For SO much more.
I love that song. As the thoughts in my head have been swarming lately, that old song has stuck out.
I am beginning to see how dissatisfied I am with Westernized life. Everything is so cliche, so cookie cutter. It's all the same this little game. Nice house, picket fence, even a two car garage; these are the things to look forward to? We have birthday parties, graduation parties, wedding day fiasco, baby showers, anniversaries of all sorts... etc etc etc. You go to these, you laugh you have fun, you live! You give presents, you give money, you give love, all of which are wonderful things.
But it's so... normal. Predictable. Pardon me for saying so, but this all sounds hollow to some extent. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against any of the above! I just think there should be so much more. What have we done? Why are we so passion-less?
I went to a baby shower Sunday, it was fun and cute and exciting. The lady was one of Dinah's nurses who meant the world to our family. She's a sweet Christian woman and I love her dearly. But all the people there, the mindless chit chat, the endless string of conversations full of words having to do with nothing of importance! Small talk! Ah, I felt so out of place.
Is this it? You go to college, you meet someone, fall in love, get married, have kids, then finally grow old?
When I say "is this it" I don't mean that that sounds bad. It sounds wonderful actually. To have my lover with me to my dying day, to live passionately and fully.
But. There is always a but. There is a longing deep inside me for something more. More? Yes. I know I can't live a cookie cutter life because I'll always be dissatisfied. I'll long for more. It's like everything in my life. I can't settle for any average joe to date because I'll never have my innermost desires fulfilled. I'm waiting for a man so wholly devoted to Jesus Christ that I will be his second love. His passion and love for Christ will be the spark for his love for me etc. If I dated any guy who claimed to be a "Christian" I believe I would miss out on something beautiful, something the Lord has planned for me. This longing to live for more is the same way. I could always be happy with the less, content maybe... but satisfied? I don't believe so.
I long desperately to live only for my Saviour, to glorify Him with my thoughts, heart, words, and actions. I want to be a reflection of Him. I want Him to use me to further His kingdom. I don't want to miss out on what He wants me to do. I'll go where He leads. And for some reason I don't think a cookie cutter life is what He has for me. Why? The desire of my heart doesn't want it. I don't want an "easy" life. Easy meaning predictable. I want Him to test me with fire and I want to come out purified. I want to move. I want to meet people. I want new opportunities to be placed in my life, ones for His purpose!
This fire burning in my soul for my Saviour only makes my day to day life even more urgent. What am I doing? Preparing? For how long? I fall so incredibly short. So short... oh it makes me want to weep. Why? Why is it so hard to live the way He has called me to live? Why does it seem there is no difference? Why is there not some sort of evidence to those around me who see it? I want to be set apart, I want to be different. I don't want to blend, I want to stir up trouble!
I want to dedicate my whole life for His purpose. And before I go off to college, I want to dedicate my whole existence to Him. I don't want to waste the college years "having fun" the way the world sees it. I want to grow ever closer to my Lord and live a life pleasing to Him. I know I may stumble, but I hope to come out stronger and to have passed the tests he places before me.
We were meant to live for so much more! Have we lost ourselves?
I want to live for more. I want to find myself in Christ alone.
