What can I even say?

In moments of silence and stillness I am caught up in God's overflow of grace. In moments such as these what can I do but trust? Each step I take is guided by a God so faithful I could never deny His love and tender leading. Patience must prevail. And yet? There is an urgency deep inside me... a longing, a hope, a desire of sorts. I am here, but with all my soul I wish to be there already. Where is there? I say I would be content to even know where there is! But more longings would overwhelm me. It oppresses me... I want to know what exactly the Lord is leading me to do. Being still does not mean being restful... it has been many months of wrestling in prayer and anguish and begging the Lord to send me somewhere, anywhere! But I am here. He knows best.

I love questions, and at times I get a picture in my mind that I ask things over and over again and He simply smiles and looks upon me with bemusement... Dearest Leah, I imagine Him speaking into me soul, your patience is only patience if it prevails. I will give you the answers when you are ready, and not a moment before. !! I mean that's what I think most of the time. I must not be ready for the answers. Maybe they would terrify me, or maybe there is more preparation I am needing. Or maybe this is a beautiful season of deepening the intimacy we share. I have a beautiful season of simply knowing my heavenly love better and better.

But truly. He is enough. I wake up and see my life through worldly eyes and sigh. Why? Why am I in this place? It is so humbling and I hate it. Then as my soul stirs to the sweet beckoning of my Savior and I see my life through His eyes... and I sigh. I have Him, and no matter what I am in this life, He is enough. I have eternity to look forward to. So I can trust and wait.

The dearest One of my heart loves me and is good. So I love Him and trust His timing is not only good, but perfect as well.


My heart is stirred by words I've heard,
In a beautifully written letter...
My soul does sing and joy it brings
For this is unfathomably better!

I must confess I cannot express
How this came to be...
Holy desire soon caught on fire
And I fell in love with Thee.

The Jump

Recently I was talking to a friend about the Lord. (What else is new?) Without going into too many details about personal things, something he said, in the midst of his explaining the beginning part of his first encounter with Christ and salvation, reminded me of something I wrote a few years ago.

I found it. I made minor edits so it would be more "readable." I think it is pretty self explanatory. However I love when you can find more or different meanings in one piece of writing. So read away(:

The Jump

There she sat. Below her was a clear and undisturbed glassy surface. A chilling wind swept in and blew her hair every which way. The water looked so serene, so calm, so peaceful. Looks can be deceiving. Exhaust from a passing car filled her lungs. Even the passing strangers traveling on the road behind beckon for her to turn back and leave.

Should she jump? Should she stay? Should she move on and wonder if the jump was worth it? It really didn’t look that dangerous. She sat and pondered her elements. It was a steep fall and she didn’t even know what was hidden in the deep water. A pipe or tree branch could be hidden underneath the blue water, something unknown, something that could potentially hurt her.

People fell into this cool pool every day; so why was she so afraid? What was holding her back? The lake was so vast and so full of unseen things, who really knew what it was like? Those who had fallen into it never looked back. Those who experienced couldn’t explain it. Some were hurt, some wanted more, some, like her, just didn’t know. The water stared back at her.

What if it was freezing, she could catch hypothermia. What if she drowned? What if it was shallow and she broke her legs? What if it was deep and sucked her under and suffocated her? What if it were more satisfying, more gratifying, and better than she could ever imagine? The what if’s were endless.

This was not a jump any could push her into; this was something only she could choose. It was so inviting, yet so frightening. Fear gripped her beating heart. To make such a leap into the unknown, to leave behind the known, could she do it, should she do it? Her mind ran a million miles an hour processing every possible question and every precaution. You would have to be crazy to willingly fall into the deep blue lake on this side of a busy highway. Everyone watching simply shook their heads and scorned those idiotic enough to jump into something so "foolish". Of course, they themselves had never made the jump, or they have fooled someone else into thinking they have a false form of it.

There was no one down to catch her, they were in too deep. Was there anyone to make the jump with her? She decided that if someone were to hold her hand and jump with her it would make all the difference. No such person existed. They all traveled 50 miles an hour down the road directly behind her. No one took the time she did to ponder such questions. Everyone was racing through life at such high speeds they forgot about the jump. Some missed the jump and were already simply drowning in their own despair. How can you miss the jump and expect your life to be the same? Some took multiple dips in the water causing it to lose it’s first allure.

She stood up and began to wave her arms at the passing cars. Stop she urged! No one would. She sat again staring at the water. To jump or not? Everything in her wanted to jump, but she was too terrified to try it. To jump or not, that is the question that hammered at every corner fold of her mind.

Was there anyone to stop and see her confused smile etched on her lips? A smile, aching to be free, and laughter echoing the whole way down while wading in the water… pulled at her. The wind began to blow harder and she only felt more alone. So alone. The jump seemed so desolate, so opposite of what it was cracked up to be. In her cynicism she doubted the exhilaration of such a jump. Yet here she was, sitting, wishing, and waiting. Her heart yearned to make the jump. So unable to leave, yet so unable to fall forward. Here she sat.

The pull... the draw... it was absolutely irresistible. Then she jumped. Suddenly she was submerged in a something entirely different and entirely more exhilarating than she anticipated. Suddenly, beneath deep blue waters, she had arrived. There she became alive. Alive as she never was before, deeper than any depth she had imagined, and overwhelmed in the most beautiful and perfect way. Here she lived.

(:

Living Life!

I am so humbled when I think about the Lord. It puts me in awe when I soak in His wondrous love! He bestows more kindness and joy on my life than I deserve. I am so unworthy of His faithful dealings with me.

Who would have thought living in Houston would actually bring such joy? Who would have thought being at a standstill could still bring fulfillment and peace? Who would have thought that despite not knowing where I am headed, I am content where I am?

He has plans for me. He has me here for a reason. Each day unfolds more of His beauty. I fall so short, but His mercy is new every morning! I am stumbling forward eyes heavenward and heart lifted to none but my Redeemer. Each step is one of faith. I do not know what tomorrow brings. I don't need to know. I need to know that here and now that the God of heaven loves me and the Holy Spirit will guide and comfort me in the midst of all things.

John 10:10b I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

That has been a theme in getting my attention as of late. The Lord is ever so gracious to my blindness. He came for me to live this life. And I find so much more joy and have found life full in every way lately. I may be more content and joyful than being at A&M!? I have found sweet fellowship, yet stay connected with my best friends God blessed me with at A&M. I find joy in so much everything!

It's as if my life is a canvas, and sometimes I reach up to the hands (God) that is painting the colors of my life. I tend to reach for the brush, I yearn and say I want to skip the end! I want to see how it's beautiful, but I don't want to experience the beauty unfold. I long and ask please just let me be WITH the hands that are so steady... but He patiently reminds me with each stroke, I want to add color and vibrancy to your life! Part of loving me is letting me bless you. His goodness cannot stay welled up inside Him, He is good so He pours out His goodness, making Him all the more good!! As the brush hits the canvas He longingly wants to me to accept His goodness of an abundant life... He wants me to have all the variations of beautiful colors, to enjoy His creativity in love. He wants to create a masterpiece out of my life- for me to enjoy and to further glorify Himself and show how incredible He is in every way. It's a win win situation.

That's what my life feels like. I read once, "Some men are so earthly minded, they are no heavenly good. And some men are so heavenly minded, they are no earthly good." Oh what a heart wrenching statement! I pray to be a balance. My soul longs for eternity in the presence of God! To worship all that He is causes my soul to leap up and stir all this crazy passion and love dwelling in me! How I long for that day! But then crash down to earth. What a terrible place to land. So many people skewing who God is... so many twisting His word, so many spitting upon the face of the Lord I so dearly love (unintentionally or maybe not.). It makes my soul weary. But then Christ beckons me, Leah are you willing to wipe the spit off my brow? Will you boldly live for me no matter what the cost? Then my heart stirs with new passion, I am to live for Him!

That is it. It is to live, to be real, to be genuine. I cannot be in some spiritual world constantly seeking some weird Jesus nirvana and leave the world crumbling behind me. He has called me to enjoy and live this life and show others how to be glad in Him. -To be a light amid darkness, to be an arrow pointing to the Savior. I am not perfect, but I serve a perfect God. I am nothing more than a young woman wholly surrendered to His love and purposes, yet still living and breathing and making decisions each day.

I live in this moment. I live for His glory. I live because He gives me joy that I cannot explain or express. He is good. His very nature is the epitome of good. And good does not indulge in every whim and desire... He is good to give me what I need, and not always what I think I need!

Oh how I love Him!

I am Not Skilled to Understand

Hello world of blogging(:

It's been a while since I've attempted to write anything here. It is absolutely mind blowing how much God has been doing in my life, heart, and soul lately. There is no place I would rather be than in His presence, in His will.

I have so much time right now. More than I ever have in my entire life honestly. It's like this huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. But in its place is this sense of urgency. For what? To be all that God has called me to be... but to grasp in some small way how to prepare for whatever He has for me. I want to read, to witness, to learn piano, to learn guitar, to love, to write, to sing, to pour into those around me, to grow in every way I possibly can! With all this time I am so terrified of wasting it.

Where to from here? I don't want to get caught up in the future and miss this moment. It is so beautiful to rest and be still before my God. I find myself wanting to get ahead of this moment, but His Spirit moves me to wait. To be still. To know Him deeper. To seek Him above all else.

It absolutely astounds me and humbles me to my core that a God so brilliant in every way possible, chose me. Loves me. Wants to use me? That I'm His own!

Here's a peak into me. This is an entry from a prayer journal of sorts:

"1 Peter 2:9 'But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God's own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.'

Why do You love me Lord? I cannot fathom why... but You are good and love perfectly. I am Yours. I do want to proclaim Your excellencies... forever! Give me grace, humility, and strength to live according to Your purposes (:

I want to be constantly aware of You. I want to live in union with You! I want You so woven into the intricate fibers of my life there is no separation at any points.

I am absolutely enthralled by this love we share! (:"

I wrote this that morning and was in College Station visiting. That night I went to bible study at the BSM. Every single song played in worship that night struck a chord in me and resonated deep inside my soul. Everything I have been praying about, wrestling with, and conflicted about were all confronted through these songs.

"I am not skilled to understand, what God has willed what God has planned. I only know at His right hand, stands One who is my Saviour."

I trembled to sing the words. It was like every line of every song was this intensely personal prayer that I was singing to my Lord and Savior. I've wondered about next year so much. I am not worried in a sense that I am stressing myself, but I wonder and earnestly pray for answers. I want to know. I want to understand how God is working. But He isn't telling me that, He's telling me to trust, to wait, to let my faith be strengthened, to lean on Him, rest in Him, love Him, and to just long to know Him more. I am not skilled to understand! What are His plans for me? All I know is that I have a Savior who penetrates and pierces the deepest parts of me, and loves me.

It puts me in awe of how beautiful the body of Christ is. When we are doing what He calls us to and we are sensitive to the Holy Spirit, those around are encouraged. If Erik had not lead worship and chosen the songs (despite his own feelings) I would not have been so encouraged. Those who send a facebook message, or a text, or in person express what God is urging them to say... where would I be? It is this community that is such a blessing.

All I know is my God. He is my rock. He is the steadying force to this adventure I have begun to traverse upon. He is there every moment of every day.

I enjoy prayer so much. To be in constant communication with my Love is my heart's delight!

What a wonderful God! What a precious gift His son was. What an incredible life-line His Spirit is.

This life is nothing more than a simple girl striving for One greater than everything this world has to offer.

Tidbit.

The vast wonder of who this God I serve is shakes me to my core... how can I even take a breath of selfishness when I think about Him? How can I live oblivious and concerning myself with the affairs of this world when He simply... is. He exists. He reigns, He lives, He is all beauty, power, honor, glory, majesty, and everything wonderful! He is!! If I could but grasp one bit of this God... wouldn't my world be forever devastated and made new? I feel selfishness fading into oblivion and my God consuming every inch of me!!!! AH!!! WHY DO WE LIVE AS WE DO?! It's so pointless!!!

Excuse me while I go evaluate life for a moment (; And pray, and commune with this holy holy holy God.

Random Song and Book Quote(:

She's in Love
According to John

What a beautiful smile
A radiant girl
Fell in love first time I saw her
She stays on my mind
I’d give anything
To know everything about her

There’s light in her eyes
And I know it’s all for him
She carries on and on
Like he was her best friend

She’s in love (echo)
It’s not hard to see
But I would like to believe it was with me
Someone got a hold of her heart
And he won’t let go
And I know
She’s in love

She looks to the sky
When she talks about him
She believes he hung the moon
Said he had to go away
She waits for his return
Says he’s coming for her soon

How can this be fair?
This guy can walk on water
Don’t guess I’ve got a prayer
He’s written love letters - to reach her

She worships the ground he walks on
She just smiles when she says his name
It’s a match made in heaven
I can’t compete with the King of Kings

This song is so beautiful. I want people to know how in love I am with the Creator of the Heavens just by looking at my life... I want one man to be so enthralled by it that words similar to these are etched on his heart.


Here's an excerpt from a book I'm reading by Leslie Ludy:

"We Must remember that our bodies are not our own (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Therefore, because our bodies house the presence of the living God, we cannot just assume that it is our right to do whatever we want with them. Rather, our body is to spent for the glory of our King-not for the selfish pleasure of lustful men or to gratify our own selfish desire to be found attractive to the opposite sex."


On a side note I absolutely love being home and I absolutely love my family!! They are such a blessing to me(:

Living Intentionally

I've been praying a lot lately. But then again, I do that a lot anyways! I've been pondering this entire past year, remembering how I've lived, what I did right, what I did better, and how I could have lived more intentionally... despite the obvious growth from the past... I still see so many places I fell short!

Also, as a bonus, it's been so fun realizing the role of biblical women. Which I honestly cannot wait (if the Lord wills it!) to be someone's helpmate(: Which I def have struggled with understanding it. But to complete someone, to be what God designed it to be... is so beautiful. I want to lift him up, encourage him, be the wife that makes him feel more like a man. Ahh beautiful!

But above all, I want to live with one purpose in mind: Christ. It breaks my heart when I realize how selfish I am. I just want to live a life of sacrificially pouring out everything I am for the cause of Christ! And I fall so short. Every day I wake up there is an irresistible calling, urging, drawing that beckons me to seek the Lord, love the Lord, live for the Lord, know Him, make Him known, run to Him, rest in Him, and find my soul's uttermost content and joy in Him!

How do I convey the depth and weight of the love that wells up in my heart, mind, and soul for my precious and magnificent God? It fills me with awe, with wonder... with absolute amazement, that He would love me! Insane! Incomprehensible!

So now what? A&M is officially over. (One more day left! Weird!) Then a summer full of loving on kids. Then ?? As the song goes "For greater things are yet to come!" Thank you Chris Tomlin. What in the world does God have planned for me? Jeremiah 29:11-13 tells me I got nothing to sweat if I'm seeking the Lord with all my heart(;

I told my mom "Nothing in my life makes sense right now. Nothing. Everything seems impossible. But despite it all, there is an irresistible calling... I wake up and the Lord beckons me to follow Him, to follow His lead, and all I want to do is run with everything towards Him and His plan... I can't not follow Him. I literally cannot not do what He wills. I want to, I can't imagine not following Him. So despite the impossibility, I trust, I have faith, because I want more trust, I want more faith... more of Him!"

That pretty much sums it up. God is good, oh so good!! (:

Be still

Mmm. I find the weirdest juxtaposition of feelings raging in me.

Ahh. I find the strangest ambivalence presiding inside.

Sigh. I find the chaotic mess of thoughts and feelings jumbled hidden deep.

Music moves me. Music petrifies me.

I love being around people. I want to be alone.

I long for adventure. I like serenity.

I want deep heartfelt conversation. I want silence.

I want to think. I cannot stand the thoughts.

I remember. I want to forget.

I miss so much. I can't go back.

I am restless. I am at peace.

I want to run. I want to stay.

I want write. I don't know how to say it.

I want to sing.... a lot.

I want to proclaim Christ's truth. I stutter.

I want to laugh. I want to cry.

I want to love. I want to stay closed.

The list goes on.

How do you live when the thought of not living enough looms over your head? How do you live without regrets when you don't want to waste your life? How do you run when everything around you tears at you to trek a slower pace? How in the world is a 19-year old supposed to know what to do with her life?

Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God.


What do you do when it seems like every God-less life seems to be going along alright? What about when they seem to be doing better than ok? What about when lukewarm Christians seem to be doing just as good as you? What do you do when the hypocrites prevail?

Psalm 37:7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.


What about when the dark side of the world seems to attacking you head on? What about when more than just the world, but actual spiritual warfare? What of despair that battles in you? What of feeling too weak to be of use?

Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.


He is not a God to watch idly.

Zechariah 2:13 Be still before the Lord, all mankind, because he has roused himself from his holy dwelling.



Be still and know who He is. Be still and wait patiently. Be still and He will do the fighting. Be still before Him!!

Glimpses From C.S. Lewis(:

Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.

You cannot go on 'explaining away' for ever: you will find that you have explained explanation itself away. You cannot go on 'seeing through' things for ever. The whole point of seeing through something is to see something through it.

One of the things that distinguishes man from the other animals is that he wants to know things, wants to find out what reality is like, simply for the sake of knowing. When that desire is completely quenched in anyone, I think he has become something less than human.

I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic -- on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg -- or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.

Reality, in fact, is always something you couldn't have guessed. That's one of the reasons I believe Christianity. It's a religion you couldn't have guessed.

Christ died for men precisely because men are not worth dying for; to make them worth it.

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.

If you are really a product of a materialistic universe, how is it that you don't feel at home there?

All joy...emphasizes our pilgrim status; always reminds, beckons, awakens desire. Our best havings are wantings

The human mind has no more power of inventing a new value than of planting a new sun in the sky or a new primary colour in the spectrum...

Now that I am a Christian I do not have moods in which the whole thing looks very improbable: but when I was an atheist I had moods in which Christianity looked terribly probable.

'Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. but he's good. He's the King, I tell you.'

'And then she understood the devilish cunning of the enemies' plan. By mixing a little truth with it they had made their lie far stronger.'

Catching Mere Glimpses

Job 11:7-8 "Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the heavens--what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave --what can you know?"

I decided to change the name of my blog... and change the url address, but hopefully that isn't too problematic? Why? I'm so glad you asked! Instead of starting a whole new blog, I decided to keep posting here and simply change the name. I used to blog on "Incessancy" then switched to "Two Roads Diverged" because I like my blogs to reflect what's going on inside my life. You can see here why I named it "Two Roads Diverged."

Incessancy is a reflection of the incessant chaos and question asking, searching, seeking, and probing I did. Then, two paths were laid before me. I took the one less travelled by, and that is why I named my blog after the wonderful poem Two Roads Diverged. Since then God has done INCREDIBLE things in my life, heart, and mind! I look around and am in utter and complete awe of this glorious and magnificent God I serve. It blows my mind! And it humbles me because the more I see, the more I realize the less I know. And the more that I understand I barely know anything... the more I want to continually seek this wonderful Saviour of mine! My eyes are opening to the fact that I what I see is but a mere glimpse of everything glorious about God.

So again Job 11:7-8 "Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the heavens--what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave --what can you know?" What can I know? Ahh. I love these verses! It just humbles me all over again, God is unfathomable, He is limitless, His is higher than any other, deeper than the deepest depth... how do I even grasp that? How do I know a God who is so far beyond my own comprehension? Only by His grace! God reveals Himself simply because He chooses to do so! His love surpasses anything we can ever know or understand. But we can have this love, though we cannot wrap our minds fully around it, yet it is ours. Crazy! And compared to eternity? 1 Peter 1:13 "Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed." Preparing our minds, being ready... setting our hope one HIM and His grace for the day Christ is revealed. There is MORE to be revealed!! This is absolutely thrilling! God reveals Himself to us now, but we are catching but mere glimpses in light of who He is and who will be revealed to us in Eternity!

I am caught up in this, I pray forever. But this season of life I am in... I feel this blog I write in would be more exquisite if I let the name reflect my heart(:

Eh?

Matthew 16:24-26 Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

Simply, I read this and it strikes me... it means giving up that which I hold most dear, because the dearest One who holds me... means more.

My mind ponders this, heart treasures it, and soul stands in awe of the beauty of it. The surest way of losing that which possesses the most value is to try and hold on to bits and pieces of fading things of the world. What remains for all eternity? God and His infinite love. How long will the pleasures of this world last? Only but a breathe in light of eternity.

My soul yearns, oh it absolutely from the deepest parts of me, the unknown parts in me... cries out in anguish to be in the presence of my dear Savior, now, today, I want to be in heaven more and more each day! But since I am not, God obviously has some purpose He wishes for me to accomplish before I enter into His enthralling and captivating presence. This is why I wish with everything in me to learn and grow each day, to catch mere glimpses of this holy and magnificent God... because I'm not there yet. But instead of wasting away, I want to grow day by day!

And I want to use this life to honor and glorify His name! Which makes me grow extremely dissatisfied seeing how the world is. It is so broken, hurt, and so depressingly lost... so far from the sweet exhilarating love of Jesus! And I live so comfortably. Ugh. There are children fainting from hunger all around the world, women screaming in despair over lost children or husbands, people getting sick because there is no clean water... and each one no matter what the situation LOST and APART from the lovingkindness of my dear God! Oh how can I even type these words from the comfort of my dorm room? Then, there are people next door to me living with every comfort the world has to offer... STILL lacking the love and true comfort of knowing Christ Jesus as Lord. And what do I do? What do I say? I am not so bold. Even if I am unwavering, I am not as vocal as I ought to be.

I have so much. So many have so little. I feel lost in a world of hurt, inbetween reality and knowing in my heart something has to change. I don't want to live in a big house, I don't want to have every latest technological toy, I don't want to go out to eat every week, I don't want to sit by and do nothing. I want simplicity and going above and beyond American Christianity to reach people who desperately need a real and perfect God. Not a "god" who gives health, wealth, and ease. No!! God is so much bigger than that, amid the chaos, confusion, hurt, and dark, He is a brilliant light that steadies a heart, heals hurt, and shines brighter piercing the dark and a heart.

I cannot stay here in college station. I do not want a typical life. I want the typical new testament life. There is a path I must walk on, seeking Christ first above everything. But then I think of Job, of Abraham. God blessed them immensely with earthly things. So having stuff isn't a bad thing... which isn't hard to grasp... it's just hard to fathom having that much. It's hard to see how that is good. What good is it to have more when others have less? Which maybe I'm just naive, God used Abraham and Job for His purpose... so money isn't bad. But I don't want money to accumulate, I want money to bless others! Ahh!

I think we all have different ways we have to deny ourself. One for me is denying the urge to find the easy and short quick way to fall in love and be married(which the desires to fall in love and get married aren't bad... too much in which it exceeds Christ is NOT ok, and also how I go about love can be wrong too!!). By denying all the selfish pleasures and ways I can indulge now, by looking, seeking attention, seeking to attract, being too open, too apt to physical stumbling, flirting, wishing, watching... instead I can seek the Lord evermore, encourage my brothers, guard my heart, be intentional with my words and actions, and not get tangled up in selfish "love" by grabbing what I want, instead I wait and delight myself in the Lord and He will give me the desires of my heart, when He knows I'm ready and He knows it's right.

Or even denying how sometimes I wish I could curl up in a ball and ignore the world. I don't like talking to people sometimes. I would rather be by myself, reading, or praying and spending time with God. People can be such jerks, such hypocrites. I'm a homebody sometimes. Which is true, even though it may not seem like it. But I know God has given me a love for the lost, a heart of service, words of encouragement, and a gentle and tender care for those who simply need a friend. I have no problem talking to people, it is not a natural ease which I was born with, but something cultivated over years. And I wish... I wish I could not care and be a quiet keep to herself girl. But I am compelled by my love for Christ to love people.

I just think of so many things when I think about denying myself. The words I say, I must be intentional. The clothes I wear, choosing instead to be modest and honoring God instead of gratifying my need of selfishly seeking attention. The places I go, the movies I watch, the music I listen to, the thoughts I cannot think, the thoughts I take captive. The ill-feelings toward others I must repent of. The surrendering of my own will for His. Not seeking fame and pleasure, seeking Him and proclaiming His fame and finding all pleasure in Him!

It's not about being good morally, paying my tithe in church, and generally being an amiable and liked person. It's about God, being poured out for His purpose, loving people because He loves me, sharing Him with the world... all the while being holy and blameless because Christ has washed me anew, giving away more than what I need because others need it more, being kind-hearted to the mean-spirited... being willing to be ridiculed and unliked because I stand for the truth of God's word, not what people want to hear.

I want a simple life. I don't want the thrills and frills of what the world has to offer. I want to run barefoot through open fields and enjoying the general splendor of God's creation! I want to sit in the sunshine reading a good book, I want to laugh with people I care about, I want to build friendships, not build bigger houses to live in. I want to live with what I need, the essentials.

I want a Christ-filled life. I want His love to be the thrilling and the brightest most breath-taking thing my heart delights in. I want to find Him in music, in books, in people, in life!

My heart is not satisfied to look and see the regular life Americans lead. I want something radically different. I just have no idea what that is, or what it looks like.

O For Grace to Trust Him More...

There are times when I wish to write and have my heart's content flow out and through my words. To share and exquisitely articulate just exactly how I feel and what I'm thinking. But this is near impossible, why?-because there is WAY too much going on in my little ol' soul to ever ever write about in one sitting (;

Today the laughter was unceasing, and refreshing. I've been shut away in the dark fold of my room, lying on my bed unmoving. But not horrible! The pain was near unbearable, I don't think I've been that sick in quite a while... my head hurt so badly that I couldn't even read my bible :( But alas! Instead of lying around and sleeping the WHOLE time, I maximized the usage of this wretched sickness. I couldn't read, the searing pain shoot through my head wouldn't allow it, instead I listened to sermons online(: Which I find incredibly... strange... because I have never ever met anyone in my life who listened to sermons for fun on their own time instead of watching movies or tv. What?! haha! Except Erin!!! I LOVED that time over the break when we were wrapping Christmas presents listening to sermons(: Bliss! BUT all this to say, I have been cooped up the last two days and today I was finally around friends ha. And the laughter ensued. Which is very much needed... because of tomorrow. Which would be an incredibly hard blog to write, so I'll leave that for another time.

But I laugh because I felt near tears. I just can barely stand crying. Yet I want to... the release and the torrent of emotion is so heart wrenchingly wonderful! It is good for the soul definitely. Sometimes I'll be pouring my heart out to the Lord and I wonder why there are no tears. Why? Maybe because I'm terrified of outward emotion, or possibly because my tear ducts no longer function properly? Ha Ha!

That and other things have been pressing, I feel like I have to be super human at times. I feel like I can do it all, I won't ever be sad, I won't ever cry, I won't ever be weak! I can handle any and everything, I don't need people and I can do it alone! Self sufficiency might be the words. When human weakness crawls in I get so irritated and I want to throw up my hands and yell, no! I feel invincible about so much. I can wait, I can do it, I I I I.

But I can't. And the Lord loooves to remind me, Leah, what are you thinking?! Everything you attempt withOUT Me is futile. Because HE is my strength. Only by His grace can I ever accomplish anything. And though I have the Holy Spirit's supernatual power dwelling inside me, I still am human. So it's OK to be sad. Yeah, it's ok to weep at loss, at the hurt, the hole, the missing, and the remembering. Because YES I know it's all ok and I know the Lord is sovereign, but emotions are beautiful! I'll see Dinah again in glory, but... I won't see her tomorrow, and that peirces me to the heart. I know she's in a better place, but I still miss her. BUT the beauty of it is I can still have deep resonating joy in the midst of sadness. Because joy isn't dependant on anything temporal or earthly, rather it is entirely dependant on Christ!!!! Which means I can ALWAYS be joyful no matter what! Woo, that is so comforting and peaceful to embrace(: And amid the other things going on, I constantly have to surrender my human weakness to the Lord and say, Thy will be done, because YOU know best.

Psalm 73: 25-28 Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. For, lo, they that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee. But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works.

Oh my goodness, I just love reading Psalms(: Because really, who do I have in heaven but Him?! And He is my first desire on earth, none enrapture my affections the way He does! My heart and flesh constantly fail, but HE is my strength, but not in my flesh, just of my heart(: He satisfies my every longing foreverrr. Life apart from the Lord is no life at all... it never ceases to boggle my mind when I think about those who don't know Him, what do they even live for? It shakes me up when reading the part about people who go whoring about from Him, letting anyone or anything have your attention or satisfy your desires, or even following after carnality... !! But, O, dear friend... how incredibly good it is for me to draw near the Father!! It makes me think of James 4:8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. He desires us to draw near, for He Himself draws near to us! And this whole trust thing, I cannot even describe to you the struggle of laying down all my trust unto Him. Because I am an all or nothing kind of person. I can't do half way, I can't do partial anything... it is ALL in or not at all. So I can't even utter the words "I trust You" if I don't... because I believe it to be a holy fear, a reverence to holiness, an awe to His glory... I don't want to be loose with my prayers, if I pray it I better mean it with all my heart!!!! Maybe I'm just worse off than others because of this... but I would rather struggle for days, weeks, months even, in prayer than just say the words on my lips and in my head than mean them in my heart. He deserves the utmost in me, and if I am not willing to offer Him everything, what am I even doing? And then the beautiful ending of the chapter, that I may declare ALL His works!! Hallelujah!! I just want to praise His name and talk about Him all the time! I simply cannot get my fill when speaking the precious name of Jesus! I literally cannot wait for heaven... to worship Him, praise Him, to be in the midst of perfection in every form... to experience His love, His life, His vibrancy... and to have holy fellowship with my greatest love for FOREVER!!!!!!!! Seriously, how can I NOT declare all His works?! Which I know I fall short and it's hard to share with non believers... but I want to share Him anyways(:

Christ-centered and Christ-exalting conversation is my favorite! And if one is willing to sit and hear me continue on about the Lord, new favorite fellow believer! baha! Jk (:

Ahh(: Life.

But about this "Grace to trust Him more" bizzznesss. Sigh. The mere fact that I am stepping away from Texas A&M is cuh-razy. How easy it would be to go here for four years, get a semi fun semi nice degree, find an aggie, fall in love with an aggie, get married, bleed maroon, have aggie babies and just be maroon til my eyes bleed! But I've never been one for cliche's nor have I ever in my entire life wanted a typical life. I want a Christ-centered one to do whatever He wills!! But really, marrying an aggie isn't against a life policy of mine, just... being here for four years is! Ha! To trust that He has some plan for me is terrifyingly comforting. He has something better planned for me than I could ever comprehend! It's just taking that first step that is always hard. I do trust Him, Oh if you but even knew the brokenness it has taken to get me to this point... how untrusting I used to be, even of my dear Savior! Ridiculous I know. But with so much change, He has brought me so much nearer to Him! Oh that I trust... I trust Him with my life, my love, my future, my self, my everything! I do, Oh that I do. But I wish so fervently for even more grace to trust Him more, because it is so beautiful to trust the one who insured my eternal destiny!!! Yes I trust, but I want to trust Him more! Just like I want to love Him more! Which seems impossible, but if it is at all possible to love more, I want to!

(: Amid life, He is there. Amid confusion, He is constant. Amid the tears, He's my comfort. Amid all, He is my all in all.

Again, words do not give Him justice, nor could words every capture the essence of how my being feels toward Him, and not just feel, but knows, lives, delights, and everything else toward Him!!

Semper Gumby

Semper Gumby- Always Flexible. Thank you Champs camp for that lovely phrase(:

Honestly, I feel like that is my life as of right now. It can go any which way, be molded and shaped for any purpose (any thing pertaining to glorifying the Lord that is!!).

And what is that? It is such a strange thought of not coming back to A&M in the fall. So strange, yet so exciting!

Oh to contemplate, pray, ponder, and seek the Lord's will in everything! Because yes, I have an idea, a hint, a direction, but this is by no means a strict guideline for my life.

And quite frankly, new things are being laid on my heart as each week passes. I wish I could tell all!-but some things are left to be treasured in the heart, in the soul, gently lifted up in prayer before declaring all to the world.

Fall, what will you bring? Spring? Two years from now? Who knows! Only God. And I will seek to give Him all that I am in all that I do.

I cannot even describe to you the state of my heart, nor do I wish to. Why? Because some things are better left unsaid, and a better to be shared with few. All on my heart is an overflow into my life of course!

Even the anguish, the confusion... even these cause a settling and tender and powerful peace to invade my heart. Because as new things arise, there is more to seek the Holy Spirit's guidance on! And what a beautiful thing, to pray. I love to sing, I love to pray, I love to read God's word each and every day!

Just to know my God is enough, but I thank Him for the privilege of even declaring His name, let alone simply let my lips speak His very name! How wonderful! To sing praises to Him, to be allowed to enter into His presence, to be His daughter, to love Him... just to be near Him is an overwhelming blessing I hardly know what to do with!

And I wish, O I wish with all my heart more conversation was centered upon this joy of mine... I love the silliness, I love the laughter, I love the fellowship, I love all that I have in my friends... but one thing that lacks is more of the Lord. I want to talk of Him and what He is doing in their lives, to share this beautiful breathtaking thought! But is it me? Why do we not talk of our dear Saviour more?

Oh for silliness AND soul stirring conversations about the Lord... this is what my heart desires. Give this to me, and I'll sing a song of joyous overflow to share such a blessing! Which some of my dear sisters and I do share, oh how I love them! This is a rather tricky thing with my brothers, but not impossible.

Then my dear best friend Hannah, oh how I love that woman!!!!! She encourages me so much and I love love love our conversations!!(:

And, I absolutely cannot wait for the day to come to spill my heart on the most intimate level with my future husband. Nothing on earth could be better than that! Each moment that passes without him, is a moment I'm storing up all the passion in my heart to share one day... and yet each moment that passes is a moment missed with him.

5 days, 5 months, or 5 years, or even 10 years! I'll wait until that beautiful perfect timing God has(: With a smile on my lips, and song of praise for my dear Redeemer. He is my first love, and the most tender love I will ever have.

Because this life, I have but one... and I cannot live waiting idly. I must wait with purpose,- to live each year, month, week, day, and moment for His kingdom's cause! Because from here on out, that's how I'll live regardless of what this life has in store for me.

Even in conversation. I've found myself receding deep into myself as of late. My heart is absolutely wrenched at the... dishonoring conversations that take place! Silliness I don't mind, but vulgarity, and impurities... oh my heart can hardly stand it! I want to be known as one who has a heart for the Lord, not one who's lips talk of idle and useless things. Not that every word I say is "Christianese" but that every word would be honoring, and pure. Never detrimental. Because yes, I live in this world, so I'll talk of it! But only for the sake of relationships, only for the sake of getting to know people, forming bonds, and to eventually... talk of the Lord(: It is just so hard sometimes... to sit and smile while inside my heart is screaming to speak of my love for my Saviour! Gossip, crude jokes, pointless chatter, meaningless words... O to speak of my passionate love for all things holy... all things pertaining to the Lord.

Sigh(:

I just love God more than words would ever describe! Words cannot suffice. And wherever life leads me to... especially these next couple of years, I want to be flexible in ways that God's purpose would always remain as the trajectory of my life. Because what else is there but Him?-and His will? Nothing that concerns me.

Psalm 131 "O Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forevermore." ESV

And I rest. With so much going on in my heart, in my life, and all around... it is all I can do but rest and wait upon the Lord for guidance... even clarity. Humbly I will seek Him... because anything else would be vanity.

No one reads this...

No one really reads this, right? Except for maybe, Hannah (cstat bff), Sarah (down in Louisiana)... and yep that's it.

Perfect(: Because now I would like to vent. Oh and talk about how amazing and wonderful God is!! He is so unfathomably good, it blows my mind!

Because I really am in awe, utter and complete awe of the One who saved my soul, of the One who made me whole. What can I do but praise His name?-to Bring Him glory, honor and fame! I'll sing with all that I am, to worship all that He is(: Loving with only the capabilty He has given, And pointing to Him with all my living! So in love... with my Redeemer, so in love, so dearly in love!

My soul aches, simply aches. I long with deeper longing each day to know Him and catch glimpses of His glory in His creation, His word, in worship, and through prayer. I ache because there is so much I do not know! I ache because there is so much lacking in me. I ache because no matter how much I grow, or how much I learn, it will never be enough!-I'll always want more. My soul thirsts for my God. My heart yearns to know His heart. My spirit cries out and worships His Spirit, to be one, to have oneness. For nothing is like the love of God. Nothing. I ache because until that beautiful day when I am before the Lord, humbled, in His presence, only then will I really have a clue about Him. What a wonderful day indeed! I ache, in the most beautiful and profoundly sweet way for my Lord.

This is from a book I am reading. It leads into the next portion of what is weighing on my heart.

"For there can be no unity, no delight of love, no harmony, no good in being, where there is but one. Two at least are needed for oneness." -Your Life in Christ, George MacDonald.

He is speaking of our oneness with God, and God the Father's oneness with Christ.

It struck me so deeply this thought of oneness. I then realized, more so, of love. How much I do not know, how much I do not realize, understand, or comprehend about this beautiful divine love I share with my Lord.

I then thought of love, in humans, the kind of love that leads to marriage. As much as I long to be married, I've always been ok with the thought of never getting married, if that's what the Lord wills.

But each day, as I'm waiting, I find this work in me... of longing for that love, not for any selfish reason (which being in love and getting married will be quite beautiful!)-but rather because it is such a tender and powerful picture of our love with God. It is only a reflection of our oneness with Him! I want to fall in love and have that one man, to be one with him... to know and grow and understand the deep intimacy I have with Christ. I long for this love, to know love more, to learn about love, to love better and more fully!

I cannot, in any way shape or form, settle. Just like I must love and draw near the Father, the same compelling is in me that I must wait for a godly man. Not a good Christian fellow, not a he's everything but____, no... I must wait for the one God is planning for me. So it terrifies me so to think about dating. I cannot, and it breaks my heart to even think of dating anyone who is not my beloved. I do not want to waste time. I have but one life to lead. I have but one life to pour all that I am out for the glory and purpose of Christ! This man, God willing there is one for me (which each day I fall more in love with Christ, the more I believe there must be a man for me), and I will bring more glory to our Father together than we ever could apart. So why would I ever waste time with another man who isn't my beloved... because obviously we can work fine separately to bring glory to the kingdom. It just confuses me so.

I am terrified of wasted time with another guy. So why am I not more terrified of wasted time now? Of the time I waste napping instead of reaching out to those around me? Why am I not a better steward of the time and opportunities God has placed before me now? There is so much wastedness in my life and it drives me to my knees. I cannot continue in this selfishness! Efficiency is not for the sake of getting more out of my days, but for bringing more glory to my precious Savior!

I am strangely uncomfortable with attractions. They are not evil. But I am tired of them. I feel like this is exactly the reason God has called me to intentional singleness! There are some men, randomly, ever since I came to cstat, that utterly blow my mind and I admire and respect them so much! I see their heart's for the Lord, their actions, their words, their love for people and above all God. I don't want to date any of them, but I do want to watch and observe. I feel like I'm in this other world, this school of godly men... and God is showing me glimpses of men He delights in. I see these men and I am worn down to tears, it is the most beautiful thing to behold, men of God. But then the hard thing is, I'm not "attracted" to all of them, just some. Some are attractive, to be sure, but I'm not attracted. And this is what gets me. Why? Why some and not the others. And let me tell you, it is very very few and far between that I am actually attractED. Less than I can count on one hand.

It is a blessing! So beautiful to see men who live for the Lord. And I know God is calling me to guard my heart ever more because I see all these qualities, traits, and characteristics of godly men. It is not my time yet, I don't think haha. It's not that I don't feel "ready" or that I can "handle" it... I just don't want to simpyl be ready to handle it... I want to be so lost in love with my God that all my love with be an overflow and joyous thing.. that trials won't be "handled" but rather will be something heartwrenchingly beautiful that we can work together in stride and in focus of Christ and bring more glory to the One above! So yeah, I could settle and find a good one now, but I want what the Lord wants for me... even if it means waiting longer and missing out on all the flirtations and dating everyone else seems to be doing.

In the end, every part of my life, I want more and more and more and infinitely MORE of my God. Because what else is there? What purpose would remain? To worship and glorify Him. What else could I possibly long for.. except that through everything here on this earth I would draw near Him!-so I'll wait for that man who will push me to be more like Christ... who will draw me into his love and point me towards God's love. But no just that, but in everything!! I just am so excited for life, and this life, and all the crazy stuff God is doing in my heart! Sometimes I just need to rest and soak it all in.. to be still and know He is God. To KNOW He is. (:

Holiness, Holey-ness

"The majority of us may be one step ahead of the world when it comes to purity, spiritual disciplines, knowledge of the scripture, and understanding the problems. But what if being one step ahead of the world is ten thousand steps behind where God desires to take us?"
-Eric and Leslie Ludy

Each time I reread those words something deep inside me groans and longs for more of the Lord! I don't want to stay where I am, I don't want to merely be "a step ahead," I want to be traversing on a path that brings me many steps closer and near my God!

I want holiness, I long for purity, I desire to be like Christ in everything. I want all that I am to be all that He has for me, because of all that He has done.

But I find a deep struggle in me. I can't quite figure it out, but it troubles me so. There is the battle of striving for holiness and throwing aside the ways of the selfish sinful man... and then seeing myself next to others.

What do I mean? When Holy Spirit lays a conviction on my life, I must follow it. When God reveals to me a way to live, I must live it. When Christ redeems me from selfish indulgences, I must run from it. But in the midst of all this changing, cultivating, and molding... I fall into the wickedness of comparing. But it doesn't start out as comparing... it starts out as I am utterly shocked and repulsed by any unholiness or even simply worldliness that is borderline impure. I cannot stand it. I hate it. I hate the things that are vulgar and vile in light of Christ's glory. I simply despise it and want to weep at the mere shame of it... to be in close vicinity of it wears down on my soul.

I want to run from it! But what happens when it is prevalent in my brothers and sisters in Christ?! Am I to rebuke and correct?-which might then makes me look holier than thou, or do I stop associating with them, or do I simply ignore it?

If I rebuke or correct, there is the problem of legalism, looking at the plank in my own eye, or being judgmental, and even someone assuming I'm trying to look better.

If I stop hanging around them, this makes questions arise and may make things uncomfortable, esp if I run into them everyyywhere.

If I ignore it I'm failing to live in holiness by being in the midst of unholiness and not caring, I am then unholy for not keeping the sacred things sacred.

I must be led of the Holy Spirit. Obviously the latter should never apply. But to know when to speak out, speak up, and be bold, or be gentle, whatever the situation calls for.

So I see it, I sense it, I am oppressed by it. Here I am running the race leaving behind the world, when I see others caught up in the world. A deep anguish settles in on me, I am longing for holiness, and in my brothers and sisters I see holey-ness. They have the same inheritance as me, the same grace, same blood shed, the same call to holiness, yet they carve a hole deep in them... the world is creating a vacuum sucking the very life out of them, covering promises of the Lord... they could have holiness and have sweeter intimacy with our dear Savior, yet they choose holey-ness, emptiness, and worldliness, instead of holiness and godliness.

Oh I want to weep! Why? How can you be a child of God, redeemed, yet living in the fallen world partaking in its pleasures?!

So I struggle. I am no better than they are. I am a broken and needy person... one who is only of any worth or value because Christ has saved me! But I long to live in holiness, I strive for it, I take out and forsake the passing pleasures of the world to dive into the deep, rich, and glorious pleasure of knowing God and making Him known!!

Oh that I would stay as far away from the pharasaic attitude and lie thinking I am better because of what I do!-it is not because of what I do that makes God love me, no!!!!-rather it is because of God's love that makes me do what I do!

And so I pray, Oh God! Dearest One of my being, keep me humble, or MAKE me humble! For what else can I pray? I hate all things impure and ungodly. I must hate what God hates. For His very Spirit is dwelling in me, and that which revolts Him, must revolt me... because He has given me not only His Spirit, but a completely radically new nature, His goodness, His holiness!! And when I start to think I'm pretty good for walking in holiness, I fall into unholiness! It is but by a humble and meek heart I can even keep on this path.

And when I am not humble, when I start to think too highly of myself, or anything... I pray for the Lord to humble me, even if it is by a means of humiliation... because I would rather that than live in pride... to be utterly humiliated terrifies me! I don't want to be torn down, but I pray for it because I long for God more than I do my own self worth. And I know He will fulfill my prayer when it needs to be... so I carefully and prayerfully examine my life and heart, asking the Lord to keep me in His ways! For that is the best way.

So what starts out as absolute brokenness seeing the unholiness people walk in, can easily turn to comparing. I can start to think, "Hey I'm doing pretty good!" Or even "At least I'm not as bad as her!" No!! I do not want this mentality. I do not want to compare holiness, no no no. I simply see my own heart as it is, long for holiness, be repulsed by unholiness... and live in awe and fear of my God.

And sometimes it's hard. I see how the Lord is beckoning me, He's calling me to travel the dusty old path, the path that is not much walked upon. Yet how can I refuse? When God draws me in I am hopelessly lost in His love and cannot fathom turning away from Him for the sake of mere turning. Psalm 42:7 "Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me" Deep is calling to deep, I just want Him to sweep over my life! He is calling me to deeper intimacy with Him, something richer, something simpler, something more beautiful and life giving than I could ever imagine!!! I long for this! And I am a thousand steps behind where He wants me, so I'll take the first steps of faith continually to draw near my Father's love. I want more, more, more! Oh how I long to adore him! To honor Him!

So everything in me is compelled to live holy because He is holy. Every fiber of my being yearns for holiness because I long for more of Christ, to be more like Him, to be caught up in His grace, to rest in His loving embrace.

"The man who gazes upon and contemplates day by day the face of the Lord Jesus Christ, and who has caught the glow of the reality that the Lord is not a theory but an indwelling power and force in his life, is as a mirror reflecting the glory of God." -Alan Redpath

I am humbled and so incredibly grateful for the love and goodness of Christ! It astounds me in the most intense ways the depth of His love for me, and the fact that He has drawn me ever closer to Him! He IS an indwelling power and force in my life, in ways I never ever thought would be possible the early years of highschool. He has transformed me in ways that it blows my mind!

And yet?-This is nothing. This is but an infinitesimal glimpse of what's to come. If I am but willing, and oh... oh my, the depth of my willingness is there... I WANT Him and cannot get enough of Him! I am constantly amazed at this journey of His heart and mine drawing near in intimacy. The beauty of who He is and what He does creates a stir in my heart, mind, and soul like nothing else can or ever will. And yet?-this is but the beginning. Each day I wake up and it's a new day to live for Him, love like Him, reach others and have the ministry of reconciling others to Him!

But how can I reconcile them unless I am gazing and contemplating who He is? How can I share Him unless He is a reality in my life?

So I cry out to Him- Father move me, move through me, apart from You I am nothing, but in You I am so much more than I could ever hope to be! I want to know Him and I want others to know Him. And not just have a head knowledge, or have some faith and goodness where life's a little more positive, no! No no no, I want everyone to have the deepest close knit relationship with God, to be reconciled to His love, to be absolutely devoted and sold out to Him!

But, there are moment in which I see myself, who am I in Christ? Who do people see when they see me? It's not like opinions matter, I could care less if my personality, or face, or whatever someone doesn't like... but who do people see me as IN Christ? This I wonder. I wake up and absolutely love reading His word and spending time with Him... yet I know there is SO much for me to learn! I love learning about Him. It is such a sweet and tender thing, yet such an awe-inspiring powerful and mighty thing-Him and His word.

Yet I struggle. Not about what people see me as, because I can't control that. I can only imitate Christ and leave it like that. But I long so passionately to KNOW His word, to know His truth, to know about Him! I know lot's of bible stories and I know lot's about the word, after all I grew up in a Christian home. Yet I have such a hunger for His word... that I look at it all with new eyes, with a heart that yearns for Him... and I realize there is SO so so much I do not know! And I want to know it!

Yet sometimes I'm terrified of people seeing me and thinking I don't know a lot. So I want to build up this safe bubble of thought where people just know I know lot's from the word. But I don't know everything. I want to learn, people can teach me. So it's one of those listening and being humble and realizing... hey they may know better than me! Especially in church, I've heard thousands of sermons preached on a lot of the same topics... but as I listen I want to hear God speak through them, to learn new and beautiful truths EACH time. I used to be self conscience about writing notes during "cliche" sermons where christians think they know that message and don't need it... but we do! And I could care less, so what if they think I'm a baby christian who is so in awe of each and every word spoken! I AM in awe of hearing the truth spoken! I get so excited hearing about God, talking about God, and anything about God! There is a passion in my heart and I can't help but soak up every little word of truth spoken about my beautiful Lord!

I want to know Him. I don't know everything, no one does! So the self side says, yeah I know a lot about God... and the spirit in me being led by the Holy Spirit says I can never ever know enough about Him!

So I tell the self man in me to shut up! You've got no authority in my life(: Christ does! I'll sing praises to my God and worship in in song and with my life... with my words and with my actions. And even more, I want to know the truth so I can share the truth. I want to know more, because my heart longs for Him more.

Because yeah, in highschool I wanted to make sure no one saw the struggling christian in me, because everyone held me up on a high pedestal and regarded me as the good christian. But I am not good! God is good, He is all the good that is inside of me! And now, it's ok if people see I'm not perfect, because I'm not.

In the end, I want more of God in every single way. I am so excited each and every moment I hear other people talk about Him!!! Because I WANT TO KNOW!!! I want to grow!

I just love Him so much!(:

Knowing about vs Knowing

I am convinced of two things. One, I am not who I was. And Two, I'll never stop growing and tomorrow I'll be changed, tomorrow I won't be who I am today.

In me there is a great stirring of my inner man, all that is within me longs for my holy and precious Savior. I am not content to know about Him, but rather my entire being longs and must know Him in an intimate and personal way or else I'll waste away in despair. I need Him. I need to know Him. My purpose, my longing, my desire is Him, to know Him, to have every loose end tied up by Him and in Him.

This burning in my heart engulfs all that I am and reaches the deepest parts of me. God! I cannot help but cry out, Abba Father!-fill me with Your presence!-Your wisdom!-Your truth!-with You!

And I am convinced of yet another thing, I have wasted so many years knowing about Him; I could have been spending my life simply knowing Him, yet in the past I haven't.

I have always had this genuine heartfelt love for Him, to say otherwise would be absurd. And yet, there was always something there, something wrong. Something called self. Something called blindness. Something that Satan has been succeeding at, keeping me just preoccupied enough with knowing about God, doing enough for God, and living a good enough life to be on the outskirts but not too radically different.

Oh! My heart and soul can hardly stand to look at the former years! I cannot thank God enough for the past 2 years and how He has begun to cultivate me for His glory.

Too long did I live the regular "christian" life. Too long was I fine with the half empty life I was living. Too long was I ok and learning just enough to keep me from straying.

I am not fine with simply knowing about God, my spirit yearns for His Spirit, to know Him intimately and deeply. I am not ok with doing things for God, rather I want Him to move through me and use me for His glory, to be poured out as a living sacrifice for His works, to showcase who He is, what He can do with someone who has been broken and made new in Christ, to do His will! I am not content to live a good moral life, my desire is to be holy and blameless in a crooked and perverse generation, to be perfect as my heavenly Father is perfect, to live as Christ has commanded... to turn the world upside down with my life! I do not for one second want to blend in with the world, I am a stranger passing through this land, my home is not here on earth but rather Christ is preparing a place for me in eternal glory where I can worship the most beautiful and awe-inspiring God of all for eternity!

And this. Every fiber of my being is hungry for His word. For prayer. For all that is of Him. I want to know and discern truth. I want to study the word on my own, with other people, to learn and grow every chance that is presented to me. To memorize scripture so that I can dwell on it moments I cannot physically read my bible, or even to share in moments when the Spirit leads me to-I don't want to strain to remember that verse or passage I KNOW I've read... I want it to be immediatly on my lips, ready to impart God's truth to any listener, friend, or person. I want truth. I want real truth, His truth, not man's interpretation of truth.

Yes, christian books are good to be sure. But my heart first and foremost is hungry for the meat of the bible, then perhaps as a nice topping or gravy I can read man's words on God's greatness.

I just want Him!

And then aside from that and rather because of that... I wish so earnestly to be a lady who exudes God's goodness, Spirit, and holiness. I wish, in the humblest way, to be one of those persons that after someone has talked with me walks away thinking, "That Leah, her heart is so enraptured with God. She is like Christ, she is a follower of Him." I want to be genuine. To be a light that shines so brightly that no one will ever mistake who I am living for. I want to be that person that after people talk to me... they walk away longing for more of Christ. I want to be that person. I don't want to have my name as my name... I want Christ to be on peoples lips as they walk away from me. I don't want it to be, wow Leah is so___, no, I want it to be wow God is so incredibly magnificent!

More than anything I want people to know I am different because of my love for God. Not just because of my words, my actions, or what I spend my time doing (all which are very important!)... but because of an unexplainable mystery that illimunates from my inner being. The mystery of Christ's love for me, and my love for Him.

Try try try. I could try and explain my thoughts all night. But the words I have said are all I can say. In the end all I can say is, Hallelujah Jesus is mine, and I am His!

P.s. Jeremiah 33:3 "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." This has been a prayer of mine I've held fast to. It never ceases to amaze me just how true this is! And it won't ever stop. What a beautiful thought!

How?

Oh the beatings of my heart, the poundings surrounding all that I am and echoing into the darkness. A breath, a blink... I'm alive I feel it. But more than that... I'm alive because I sense a Holy and Mighty God breathing life and love into me a little more each waking moment.

And I'm filled with so much poetry, words, music, passion, and desire! I long to write beautiful and wondrous lines and phrases, capturing but a glimpse of the depths of my love for Him.

I want all that is in me to overflow and be poured out as an offering to Him, to share Him, to convey all that is in me because of Him, all these feelings, thoughts, longings, and desires. To share what He is teaching me.

But how? There is some interpretation... lost from the soul to my mind, I cannot truly express what the soul feels, because it is soulful, and words are merely mindful.

What to say, Lord?

It's You who gave me life, and I,
Can't explain just how
Much You mean to me now
That You have saved me, Lord
I give all that I am to You
That everyday I could
Be a light that shines Your name!



Do you know that feeling, the one where no matter how hard you try, you cannot help but smile... you can't compress the feeling into words... it's almost like words cheat the feeling somehow, cheapens it in a way. It's this glow that settles in on your soul, heart, mind, and entire being!! It's this inexplicable joy, incomprehensible love, unfathomable depth of reason and emotion mixed into one, everything makes sense in the most perfect way, colors seem more vibrant, the song of life is perfectly in tune, it's like walking outside and there is a perfect breeze but just enough sunlight to warm the outer layers yet cool enough to caress the skin... it's like realizing everything you hoped for, dreamed about, yearned for, longed for, cried out for... all of it was true!

That feeling, those imperfect descriptions... multiply by oh, I don't know... infinity? And then maybe you'll get a glimpse of what I'm trying to describe.

God's love. His grace. His peace. Just, Him!!

Ah!! Everything in me wants to sing, shout, cry, laugh, jump up, stand up, sit in awe, bow down, dance madly, and let my every breathe worship WHO He is, and WHAT He does! I want to ponder the depths of Him. I want to spend every waking moment of every day loving Him, glorifying Him, and honoring Him! Why? Because of His love!! His love for me, His love for you, His love that is so perfect and unfailing!!

I'm caught up in two things: One, I don't want to go to sleep because I want to pray, read His word, worship Him, think of Him, listen to Him, and experience His unending mercies!-and Two, I can't wait to wake up and begin a new day living out this life He has for me.. to grow ever closer to His heart and learn more, love more, change more, and be like Him more!!

And that's when it hits me. I'm 19, most people live to be older than 70... I've got 50 years+ to live... multiply by 365 and that's 18,250 days to wake up and live for Him every day! OH MY GOODNESS! I can barely even comprehend His love today... I've got like 20,000 more days to live in His love!!! My heart is going to explode! And then there's always the possibility He'll call me home sooner... what a sweet remarkable day that will be. Like Paul says:

Philippians 1:21-24"For to me, living is for Christ, and dying is even better. Yet if I live, that means fruitful service for Christ. I really don't know which is better. I'm torn between two desires: Sometimes I want to live, and sometimes I long to go and be with Christ. That would be far better for me, but it is better for you that I live." (NLT)

Woahh. Intense. So true! That is my very heartbeat. I long to be in heaven with Christ!! But if it is His will to stay here and live to minister to others and live for His glory, then by golly I am going to pour all that I am out to do that!! I used to not understand that verse.. it seemed crazy and impossible to feel that way. I really wondered what christian I knew actually felt that way... it seemed so far fetched, unreal, distant, too.. bible-y! Yet here I stand and I will proclaim louder than every before, that is the essence of my heart's beat! Really? Really! I used to be like, but first God, I want to fall in love with a wonderful man and get married. But I'm pretty sure that is super selfish. And I'm also pretty sure He is the most perfect lover EVER and He satisfies my longings like nothing else!! I still long for an earthly romance, but I long for Christ MORE!

Then of course, one may think, yeah but is it really possible live every day out in this kind of joy? With that kind of passion? I mean, everyone has their off days... when things go wrong, or life kind of stinks. There must be exceptions, right? There must be times when life just sucks and you deal with it... yea? NO!!!!

That's the whole point!!! I'll be completely honest, I cried twice today. Today was hard in the natural. I had to relinquish selfish desires and lay all my longing before the Lord... and THAT made me press closer into Him, that made me draw even more near the throne of God. Hard things, trials, bad days, satan being a jerk... it really doesn't matter... because we have the joy of the Lord! And if bad things slash trials bring us closer to the Lord... how is that bad?! It shouldn't be! And when the Lord pours out His blessings, we shouldn't settle in and forget who gave us the blessings, we should turn our eyes toward heaven and proclaim how great our God is!

Philippians 4:4 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" (NIV)

It says ALWAYS. Good or bad. Happy or sad. Joy is not dependent on situations, it's dependent on Christ. And last time I checked He never leaves or forsakes us, oh and His love is unfailing. Sounds like a win win deal to me!

But how? Honestly, it's like it says in John 3:30 "He must increase, but I must decrease." (NASB) And bam. I promise the floodgates of heaven and all its blessings will be poured out in your life when you live like this. I can safely say it has happened to me, and continues to every day!

But not worldly blessings... those are nice and a bonus, but the blessings I long for are of heavenly value. And I could care less about my crown or rewards in heaven... because CHRIST is all the reward I need!! Like, AH! How do I explain this?! The joy I have is because the intimacy I have with God. The kind of blessings I want are wisdom, insight, discernment, a heart for others, kindness, goodness, greater faith, deeper intimacy with the one who loves me!

Tozer explains it perfectly: "The man who has God for his treasure has all things in One. Many ordinary treasures may be denied him, or if he is allowed to have them, the enjoyment of them will be so tempered that they will never be necessary to his happiness. Or if he must see them go, one after one, he will scarcely feel a sense of loss, for having the Source of all things he has in One all satisfaction, all pleasure, all delight. Whatever he may lose he has actually lost nothing, for now he has it all in One and he has it purely, legitimately, and forever."

Amen!

Wow.

My heart is so clearly written out in this wise man's words.

And the craziest thing? To see how far I've come. To see the state of apathy I used to be in. To see how much joy I was missing because I wasn't living a pure life for Christ. What do I mean? I lived half for myself half for the Lord. I never did any big bad sins, in fact a lot of people who knew me in highschool would probably tell you I was a super Christian or something dumb like that haha.

I loved the Lord, but I lived steeped in selfishness. But I didn't even realize most of what I did was selfish! It's like a little kid with crumbs all over his mouth and a half eaten cookie in his hand he was supposed to give to his brother... yet he stole half of it, thinking nothing was wrong and he was doing a good thing sharing. HA!

Once the Lord opened my eyes to how selfish I was... I began to pray and just ask the Lord to relinquish ALL selfishness, to root it out at the core. It's been so painful, but so worth it. And it's not like it was over night, and it's not like the process is done! But the more I give up, the more I see Christ. The more I lay my life down, the more I see Christ in me. The more I radically change my ways to be the way the bible tells me it ought to be... the more I find my old self so pitiful. I cannot live like the world even when it tries to pull me back... I long for my Lord too much. And yeah, I definitely mess up and sin and I'm not always living right (though I strive to be perfect just like my heavenly Father is perfect!!! Matthews 5:48) but that's the beauty of it, Christ's redemption redeemed me(what a concept!). When I fall, He picks me up, when I stumble, He steadies my balance, when I despair, He lifts me up on eagles wings!

Like it says in Ephesians 4:1 "Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called,"(NASB) I want to walk worthy of His calling. That means picking up my cross DAILY, even when I don't feel like it. That means each day saying adios to selfish whims, and hello to an exciting abundant life Christ offers! I want to live in such a way that is blameless in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation. And part of walking worthy is realizing, hey I'm NOT a super human being who won't ever mess up, so I need forgiveness like everyone else.. however I DO have the Holy Spirit of God living in me to guide me... and I pray evermore for the Spirit to lead me and guide me in the ways of God's holy word.

I just can't stress enough... how much I love this incredibly just and merciful God I serve!!!

It literally blows my mind every single day!

Words don't even begin to cover it... this little post doesn't even give you but a glimpse of this passion welled up inside of me!! Christ is my all-consuming passion and it may sound boring to those who don't understand... but it's like watching a tiny black and white t.v. for so long, you get the picture, you see it and enjoy it... but with Christ at the center of my life... life is suddenly like watching a 150" high def plasma screen tv (idk if that is still the largest...)... it's like life has this HUGE burst of color and fine details, I see everything crisply and WAY more clearly than before; everything is sweeter and altogether a million times more amazing with Him!!

Oh my goodness... His love is crazy!! And I am crazy for Him... and I seriously need to do some homework! After all, 1 Corinthians 10:31 "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." (NIV) Sooo I'm not going to slack off on school because I'm super excited about God and all that encompasses... no I want to glorify Him even in the things I don't LIKE but still somehow find JOY doing because I love Him so much! I want to excel so I can bring Him glory through school too. And trust me, I've never been an academically driven person ha.

So goodnight?(: (and I noticed this post is lacking smileys... so here this will make up for it)

:D :D :D :D :D (:(:(:(:(:(:(: x85969586(:

Habits, Honor, and How it SHOULD be!!(:

Let me start off with saying how incredibly faithful God is! He absolutely, constantly, and consistently blows my mind on a daily basis! It's so intense and the closer I get to Him, the bigger and more marvelous the mystery of Him becomes. I'll never ever come close to understanding Him, His perfection, His love, His everything.. on this side of heaven at least. I cannot wait to dance madly before my King and sing for all eternity about the wonder of His majesty(: What a perfect day it will be, the day I throw off the restraints of this earthly human fleshly body, and instead am given a new body for eternity in heaven! I love my God with all that I am!! Ahh(:

That being said, He faithfully challenges me, stretches me, and bumps my standards ever higher. It's not like I want to live with super high standards, rather everything in me cries out yes Lord!-show me You! Whatever brings me closer to Him... that's how I want to live! I want to live the way He designed this life to be. I don't care about what the world thinks, or how they think we ought to live.

It never ceases to amaze me how far I've come in this life. He has kept my heart safe and I know how blessed I am that He has kept me from some terrible and wasted years. In my own selfishness, He never gave up and continually brought me to a place near Him. It was there I saw my own disgusting selfishness!

And ever since, and every day from here on out, I pray that every shape or hint of selfishness in me would be completely shattered and taken away!! Selfishness is the opposite of what Christ calls us to... He calls us to a life of radical abandon for Him!-for His love!-the cross!-salvation!-for people! To pour out our lives as a living sacrifice for His cause... the cause of bringing others back into a right relationship with Him. We're to live where others simply taste and see the Lord is good through us, because of our passionate love for Him! Because we love Him, this should be the most natural thing in the world! And to me it is... oh goodness His love is unending, and He pours Himself into me and I can't even contain it, nor do I want to! I want to share Him with every single person any chance I can. Whether it's a deep talk about the Lord with a believer or even an unbeliever, to speak truth in someone's life, or give them grace, to befriend the hurting, the lonely, the lost! To smile at those around, to be kind any chance I get. Every interaction I have with people I want them to walk away knowing there is something crazy about me... to know there MUST be a God and to simply touch every life I possibly can!

So then, what about habits? What of honor? How should it be?

The way we live today sets up how we are going to live tomorrow, and the rest of our lives. When we start to do things we're bound to repeat it!! It's like that phrase being "stuck in a rut." Ah! I never ever want to be in that place, I want the Lord to shake me up daily, convict me, change me, and mold me to be more like Him every day for all my days! I don't want to fall into bad habits at all.

Though there a about a million "habits" I could refer to, I want to touch on one in particular... simply because I've talked about this with different people lately and it's very much on my heart. Bear with me, because I'm praying the Lord would give me the words to say and the clarity to convey what I'm thinking, feeling, and have been learning ever more.

I think there are definite habits with our interactions with people. With both the same gender, and opposite gender. I think there is a beautiful design, and a perfect balance God has created! And at the same time it is so perverted and twisted in our culture... it is so skewed and so forgotten. How depressing! We've lost beauty, mystery, restraint, and a perfect order to life. We're so selfish!! We are SO selfish!!!!!!! Can I just say... WE ARE SO SELFISH!

What do I mean? I mean friendships! We are such a self-seeking generation. Here we say we love the Lord, and maybe we mean it with all our hearts... but we say this while living with a very fleshy selfish heart. I for one, have no desire to remain in my flesh, to remain in selfishness... because in my own life I have seen how selfishness keeps the sweetness of intimacy with my dear Savior at bay... I see how it tarnishes and keeps away so much God wants to give me.

So what of friendships? I think that guys and girls are VERY different, and that it is so beautiful that we are! I love it! Because of that difference, there is a balance. We both reflect God in different ways... we teach each other things. But with a balance. I think that friendships with the same gender are a HUGE blessing from the Lord... my sisters in Christ can call me out when I'm doing wrong, can encourage me and there is no confusion about the meaning, they can speak truth in my life with authority the Lord has given and they understand!-not to mention we relate the same, so duh it's perfect from God. Same goes for men with other brothers in Christ. Then on the flipside... whew... I think that it is VASTLY different the way our interactions should be!!

There is a book I read that proclaimed one of the most profound statements about guy and girl interaction... "Anything that you wouldn't do with another guy after marriage is something that you shouldn't do with another guy before marriage."-Leslie Ludy (emphasis added). Can I just say... AMEN! and Woah! What if we all took that mindset?!

I explained it like this to someone: What if you have a lot of guy friends before marriage, what if you have an inside joke with a guy... you laugh and have good CLEAN fun. No big deal right? Wrong! Imagine this: What if you're future spouse/fiance/boyfriend(which dating is DUMB I'll save that for another day;) has a lot of girl friends. What if you're in the same room with them and you're hanging out with all your good friends and he is across the room laughing, whispering, and talking to another girl about THEIR inside jokes! How would you feel? If you're married, you're like WHAT THE?! Weird! A man isn't supposed to have that level of familiarity with another woman after marriage, even while being engaged, or if you're dating... because he's not treasuring YOU his woman and has his attention focused elsewhere. So then if that is a weird thought... and we see how strange it is... why do we do it before marriage?

If I'm not going to want my husband to have close girl friends and share parts of himself with them, why would I do that to him? If I'm not going to flirt or "be friendly" with all the guys I know AFTER marriage, why in the world would I do it before? "Oh it's no big deal! It's not like I know who he is now!" Wrong again!! It is a big deal! The habits we form now are going to stay with us, so are we going to create God-honoring habits, or are we going to create selfish ones?

So let's take it a step further, because I love doing that(: So obviously there are boundaries and maybe you can say, you've got a good point Leah. But, there is so so much more! Not only are we not to supposed to not flirt or have inside jokes with guys... I don't think we're supposed to be best friends with every guy, just one, only the one God has set apart for you in marriage! Now you may not agree here(: But I firmly believe this! If you're getting close to guys, and think it's ok with having best guy friends... take a step back and ponder why. You're sharing your heart with them, whether you're talking about God, life, laughing, school, stress, joyful things, etc. And let me ask you this, why would you share your heart with a guy who hasn't shown ANY inkling about guarding, protecting, or honoring your heart? Because you're friends and that's what friends do? GIRL friends with other GIRLS maybe, GUY friends with other GUYS perhaps... but not mixed. Or perhaps when you're upset you turn to a guy for comfort, you lean on him and he is there for you.. perhaps he even is godly and lifts you up with scripture, how is that wrong? It's not like it's a bad thing, that's how it's supposed to be... within marriage!! And if we go to our guy friends now for comfort or to "vent" we're depending on them... not God. First off, a guy can speak truth into your life, sure, he cane make you see things different, sure, but can he give you a peace that transcends all understanding?! Nope! And if we depend on guys... we're defacing the value of our relationship with our future spouse. How is it going to be different? How is it going to be special?

Yeah, this is extreme... but everything about our life in Christ is called to extremity! It's not like He makes these type of boundaries to laugh at us and our frustration... rather He is guarding our hearts! I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure in my own life and everyone I see pretty much has no idea what's going on between guys and girls. It's beautiful! It's part of how God planned it. But we confuse and muddle and mix up this beauty with our own selfishness.

I could go on with a million examples, but why? I think you get my drift.

There is a level of intimacy God has designed with our interactions with everyone. With Him, it is the sweetest and most beautiful, exhilarating, satisfying, AMAZING intimacy... His Spirit dwells within us, our soul responds and takes delight in the Lord! For us girls, we have our sisters in Christ... woman who are supposed to look out for each other, love each other, rebuke and call each other out so we can keep each other accountable, cry with one another, have the bonds of that best friend who is going to be with us through it all! And catty christian girls who tear one another down is SO depressing... and that is for another blog post, ha. Then with the men in our life, what of them? God has blessed us with godly Christ-like brothers... thank You Father! It's not wrong to have these, they are definitely a good thing to have in life!!! Sometimes you just need a man to help with man things, and if you don't have a dad or blood brother, God has the guys in the church there to be there. But not to have close friendships with. It's great opposite gender interaction... but the deepness should be closely guarded. Flirting is stupid and self-seeking. After all, when you flirt (whether you realize it or not) the underlying motive is for you to direct attention on yourself, you want to be noticed by the guys you're around! SELFISH. We're supposed to be building our brothers up and always directing the attention to Christ with our words and actions.

And then, oh my dear friends... then there is the exception! :D There is the perfect design and perfect plan to satisfy our deep human desires... because God doesn't ask us to give stuff up to be mean or hold back His blessings... He wants us to vigorously guard our hearts for ONE man... so that all the love and initimacy between the two of you can be sweet, precious, different, special, heartfelt, and last a lifetime! One day, if the Lord wills, there is a man who you can share everything with, without restraint, without guilt, without it being wrong... you can connect spiritually, emotionally, and physically with him on all of the deepest levels... and spend a lifetime cultivating and deepening that intimacy!! God doesn't want us to guard our hearts for just ourselves, but for our future spouse!

Crazy!

And that's how we live with honor! When we create and cultivate habits that are pleasing to the Lord now, they will honor our future spouse now and forever after. That is how it should be!

Also, as a bonus... when we're thinking about someone and what we can do before marriage physically (assuming you KNOW you are going to marry that person)... most people think of purity as a line and want to know WHERE that line is. If you're thinking that way you need to get on your face and ask the Lord to forgive you for such a selfish attitude!!! YES I said it!! Another favorite quote, "How far is too far?- How far can we possibly go to honor God in this area of our lives?" Woah! When we're thinking about what we're allowed to do before marriage, what's "ok" and what's not... we're diverting our attention on our selfish man.. not putting our thoughts and longings before God, not doing His will, doing our own selfish thing.

And I also believe that the words I love you are some of the most important words people can say. Yes, there are different types of love and maybe we can love our brothers with friendship love... but saying that to them is DUMB and definitely skews the line. In my mind it's just simpler to NOT say that to guys! Haha(: However I love telling my girl friends how much I love them, cuz I know they are a blessing from God. But if a guy tells me that, even as a friend I'm not going to say it back. That's something I'm saving up to tell my future spouse, Lord willing, for our entire life together!! Also, saying I love you when you're dating is SELFISH too! Do you know you're going to spend the rest of your life with them? Maybe, but until you say I do, that's not your promise to give away. Those are sacred words a man and a woman share.

Whew.

So with all this new information, it may just seem like a lot of regulations and restraint. Yes to restraint!-but simply because restraint is good. But if everyone lived like this... it would infuse an OLD yet new to us breath of fresh air in romance... the mystery would return, the pursuing would be a sweet time, winning of a woman's heart wouldn't simply mean asking her to be your girlfriend or going on dates... it would be somothing simply, sweeter, more innocent. Something absolutely mind blowing that satisfies that longing in us ladies to be cherished, and satisfies for the guy of conquering and winning and all that entails manliness! He is protecting, pursuing, and guarding something of great worth... and he will cherish it if isn't just handed over to him on a whim! I want a beautiful God-scripted romance!!! I want my love for my man to reflect my love for Christ, I want it to be an outpouring!!

(:

I never intended this to be so long, but either way I'll just have to continue blogging to keep speaking my heart!!:D

Let me just say this though, I don't know everything... nor do I claim to have a magic formula. I just feel so blessed and humbled that the Lord has completely changed and revolutionized my heart towards all this!!! Above all I want to be led of the Spirit, to honor God, and glorify Christ in all I do! And as I grow closer to Him... He constantly changes me, my heart, my thoughts, and my standards. I don't mind one bit because anything that is going to bring my closer to Him I want it with every fiber of my being! I love Him more than life itself!!!!!!

P.S. I forgot to mention this!!!!! Since we're supposed to be careful with our interactions with guys... and we minister to other ladies and whatnot, I just think it's SO cool that God has this perfect fit!! When we're together with our husband it's this crazy design... you both minister to your own gender, the way it's supposed to be.. and you're a team for the Lord, when he sees opportunities but can't pursue it because he's a man, that's when he can step back and you come forward, and same with him... when a brother needs truth spoken in his life, it's not your place as a girl to do that... you can step back and let HIM do it!! It's this awesome balance! and ahh! I can't even describe how amazing this is.. it blows my mind! That's why it's not a big deal if you step back as a girl... because then men can step up!! WOO! I hope that makes sense?! :D

P.S.S I forget this point as well... ahhh! I hate forgetting stuff haha! BUT when we as women are guarding our hearts and not giving them away freely to every guy friend... one day one will come along and pursue your friendship... and if you know it's of the Lord then that's def ok!! Because if you are guarding your heart... and that one guy sees you're giving him the go ahead... it's so much more legit than if you just talk deeply to every guy! He knows what's up... he knows how much you love Christ... he'll know he's got to WIN that best friendship and heart(: Oh yeahh! Haha being a girl is SO fun!! :D But yeah... another blog on THIS to come soon?! Perhaps haha(: And that's my prayer... that I don't give my heart away even if friendships... that when the right man comes the Lord would give me clarity and wisdom... that I wouldn't be good friends with a guy because he's godly... but because he's the one God has planned for me!! I pray that the Lord would give my man wisdom on how to win my heart, because I'm not going to tell him haha(: But friendship is the first and most important step. Wow I seriously need a whole blog about this one! hahaha! I can't wait for this day! Whether it's far or near, close or not... it's going to be sooo Christ-centered it will blow my mind(: