Paradox of Love

I know I don't blog often, but often times I am so inundated with thoughts I have no idea where to start!

I am faced with a challenge. The task of reevaluating many things in my life. Some I'm sure will be easy to face the sifting, but others I'm quite sure will end in the death of my flesh. The question is, is my life, actions, words, and heart defined by God and His truth, or is it defined by my culture?

To think over the years and the constant change and growth that has undergone inside me... it hurts to have to continue the process. It seems as if I'm an inch tall and I'm trying so hard to stretch to loftier heights... but it is impossible when I've allowed so many things to box me in: sin, pride, selfishness, cultural expectations, fear, etc. These parameters can only be let go, weeded out, and completely changed by the grace of God.

I just want to weep when I think of all that is holding me back! But He forgives, He sanctifies... He is known to make saints out of sinners. God's mercies are new every morning. I half expect to wake up and to finally "arrive." But I know that is not the case. Two verses are very much embedded on my heart and mind:

Philippians 3:7,8 "But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ." and 2 Timothy 4:6,7 "In pointing out these things to the brethren, you will be a good servant of Christ Jesus, constantly nourished on the words of the faith and of the sound doctrine which you have been following. But have nothing to do with worldly fables fit only for old women. On the other hand, discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness;"

I read these words and I must sit to savor and be saturated by it. It brings me to tears because I KNOW the Holy Spirit is doing a work in me. I was reading and praying the other day and it struck me just how much I've grown. If I had no other proof of the veracity of God's word... the transformation within me would be overwhelmingly more than enough. Yet in that I am eternally indebted and grateful that God chose me and redeemed me... that He loves me!-and I want to spend the rest of my days loving Him, serving Him, obeying Him, and glorifying Him with my life. I am anticipating the days to come, for I know they are going to be filled with losing things that might have once been "gain" for His sake... I know that I must discipline myself for the purpose of godliness. I have much to learn, and I cannot despair over my lack, but instead let it be a reason to throw myself into deeper devotion, more intentional studying and reading of His word, and be more zealous for good deeds.

It never ceases to amaze me how He faithfully answers my prayers. I pray for selfishness to be rooted out, He does!-still does. I pray for humility, He shows me how little I am and how big He is, and how much I need to learn. The more I seek Him, the more I find my prayers are less about "gain" but more about Him.

I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that my hunger and thirst for Him/His word is seemingly insatiable, yet I am so enraptured with God and so satisfied in Him. As Tozer so eloquently wrote: "To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love."