I am inundated with deep perplexing thoughts. I cannot dare to share them, but they are pressed upon my soul anyways. In the days to come my knees will grow weary of the prayer that is to come!-but this is my wish and intention. I cling to the 37th Psalm; I cling to the Lord for His right hand upholdeth me; I cling to the promise that as I seek the Lord evermore, He will direct me in the way I should go. If anything I have learned/am learning is this: I cannot and ought not worry about ANYTHING. I can only be concerned with me and my relation to God. All else will be worked out as I am preparing my hands to do service for the Lord and His glory! He is my trajectory; He is my focus; He is the reason my very heart is beating and I only wish for each beat to be for His glory.
I remember the very lonely nights in my dorm room at college. Though they truly were not "alone" for it only brought me to sweet hours upon hours of prayer with my Heavenly Father. I cannot fathom what my life would be like apart from the grace of God; truly, I cannot begin to imagine what a lonely soul might feel with no hope or purpose or promises of God. I am extremely social and yet very anti-social. At school it was rare for anyone to be invited to my dorm room except for the very intentional purpose of fellowship and peeling the layers of a person to know them better (and even then, I was very specific in who I invited over). I did not frequent other's rooms very often. This was the "thing" to do, it was considered somewhat odd to not constantly have people in your room or be invited over. I simply sidestepped this tradition and instead kept very intentional tabs on all that I did and all I allowed over, if at all. I don't think I could have handled all the social chatter (and as I think through this... I am convinced if I was immersed into the college culture in such a way my relationship with the Lord would have suffered and I would not have heeded the Spirit's directing me out of such a place; I would still be there today if I did not have those "lonely" nights of prayer). The point is, much of my nights were spent NOT studying the philosophies of the classroom and textbooks, NOT spent socializing, NOT spent going to "Northgate" and that scene, and instead it was spent in many many nights of prayer (and of course reading the word).
Prayer is essential. Everything in my life that ever caused me to deep perplexing thought on the shifting things in my life were times I was completely immersed in prayer.
The Lord is so good. My heart is ravished by the astounding love He extends to me. He chose me, He redeemed me, He sanctifies me, He LOVES me! His Sovereign will extends to the end of my life and I know He holds every piece of me in His kind and gracious hands. As His righteous instrument and vessel, I am moved to live in accordance to His will and simply be a humble means of proclaiming just how wonderful He is in all His faithful workings in His children.
I originally planned to share this prayer:
In Prayer
O Lord,
In prayer I launch far out into the eternal world,
and on that broad ocean my soul triumphs
over all the evils on the shores of mortality.
Time, with its gay amusements and cruel
disappointments, never appears so inconsiderate
as then.
In prayer I see myself as nothing;
I find my heart going after Thee with intensity,
and long with vehement thirst to live to Thee.
Blessed be the strong gales of the Spirit
that speed me on my way to the New Jerusalem.
In prayer all things here below vanish,
and nothing seems important
but holiness of heart and the salvation of others.
In prayer all my worldly cares, fears, anxieties disappear,
and are of little significance as a puff of wind.
In prayer my soul inwardly exults with lively
thoughts at what Thou art doing for They church,
and I long that Thou shouldest get Thyself a great
name from sinners returning to Zion.
In prayer I am lifted above the frowns and flatteries
of life,
and taste heavenly joys;
entering into the eternal world
I can give myself to Thee with all my heart,
to be Thine forever.
In prayer I can place all my concerns in Thy hands,
to be entirely at Thy disposal,
having no will or interest of my own.
In prayer I can intercede for my friends, ministers,
sinners, the church, Thy kingdom to come,
with greatest freedom, ardent hopes,
as a son to his father,
as a lover to the beloved.
Help me be all prayer
and never to cease praying.
1 Thessalonians 5:17 Pray without ceasing.
Psalm 31:1-3,5 In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust; let me never be ashamed: deliver me in they righteousness. Bow down thine ear to me; deliver me speedily: be thou my strong rock, for an house of defence to save me. For thou art my rock and my fortress; therefore for thy name's sake lead me, and guide me... Into thine hand I commit my spirit: thou hast redeemed me, O LORD God of truth.
Psalm 28:6-7 Blessed be the LORD, because he hath heard the voice of my supplications. The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.
Isaiah 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.
Psalm 4:3 But know that the LORD hath set apart him that is godly for himself: the LORD will hear when I call unto him. Stand in awe, and sin not: commune with your own heart upon your bed, and be still.
How unfathomable it is that we are given the privilege to pray and let our deepest groanings of the soul, both groans of joy and groans of anguish when do not understand, be laid bare before the Lord and yet in this the Lord is still Sovereign. We pray and He hears our supplications!-and His sovereign will is accomplished. May this not be a source of laziness, but of profound gratitude. I cannot comprehend such incomprehensible notions... that the glorious God of heaven would incline His ear to hear the faint prayers of my heart! Truly, His lovingkindness extends further than I will ever know. With joy I pray! By His grace every move I make in this life has purpose. May He be glorified in my failings as well as my successes: for He is the great Sovereign Almighty. In prayer I find, that though I may have deep perplexing thought, it is a source of absolute peace that passes all understanding.
