Deep Perplexing Thought

I am inundated with deep perplexing thoughts. I cannot dare to share them, but they are pressed upon my soul anyways. In the days to come my knees will grow weary of the prayer that is to come!-but this is my wish and intention. I cling to the 37th Psalm; I cling to the Lord for His right hand upholdeth me; I cling to the promise that as I seek the Lord evermore, He will direct me in the way I should go. If anything I have learned/am learning is this: I cannot and ought not worry about ANYTHING. I can only be concerned with me and my relation to God. All else will be worked out as I am preparing my hands to do service for the Lord and His glory! He is my trajectory; He is my focus; He is the reason my very heart is beating and I only wish for each beat to be for His glory.

I remember the very lonely nights in my dorm room at college. Though they truly were not "alone" for it only brought me to sweet hours upon hours of prayer with my Heavenly Father. I cannot fathom what my life would be like apart from the grace of God; truly, I cannot begin to imagine what a lonely soul might feel with no hope or purpose or promises of God. I am extremely social and yet very anti-social. At school it was rare for anyone to be invited to my dorm room except for the very intentional purpose of fellowship and peeling the layers of a person to know them better (and even then, I was very specific in who I invited over). I did not frequent other's rooms very often. This was the "thing" to do, it was considered somewhat odd to not constantly have people in your room or be invited over. I simply sidestepped this tradition and instead kept very intentional tabs on all that I did and all I allowed over, if at all. I don't think I could have handled all the social chatter (and as I think through this... I am convinced if I was immersed into the college culture in such a way my relationship with the Lord would have suffered and I would not have heeded the Spirit's directing me out of such a place; I would still be there today if I did not have those "lonely" nights of prayer). The point is, much of my nights were spent NOT studying the philosophies of the classroom and textbooks, NOT spent socializing, NOT spent going to "Northgate" and that scene, and instead it was spent in many many nights of prayer (and of course reading the word).

Prayer is essential. Everything in my life that ever caused me to deep perplexing thought on the shifting things in my life were times I was completely immersed in prayer.

The Lord is so good. My heart is ravished by the astounding love He extends to me. He chose me, He redeemed me, He sanctifies me, He LOVES me! His Sovereign will extends to the end of my life and I know He holds every piece of me in His kind and gracious hands. As His righteous instrument and vessel, I am moved to live in accordance to His will and simply be a humble means of proclaiming just how wonderful He is in all His faithful workings in His children.

I originally planned to share this prayer:

In Prayer

O Lord,

In prayer I launch far out into the eternal world,

and on that broad ocean my soul triumphs

over all the evils on the shores of mortality.

Time, with its gay amusements and cruel

disappointments, never appears so inconsiderate

as then.

In prayer I see myself as nothing;

I find my heart going after Thee with intensity,

and long with vehement thirst to live to Thee.

Blessed be the strong gales of the Spirit

that speed me on my way to the New Jerusalem.

In prayer all things here below vanish,

and nothing seems important

but holiness of heart and the salvation of others.

In prayer all my worldly cares, fears, anxieties disappear,

and are of little significance as a puff of wind.

In prayer my soul inwardly exults with lively

thoughts at what Thou art doing for They church,

and I long that Thou shouldest get Thyself a great

name from sinners returning to Zion.

In prayer I am lifted above the frowns and flatteries

of life,

and taste heavenly joys;

entering into the eternal world

I can give myself to Thee with all my heart,

to be Thine forever.

In prayer I can place all my concerns in Thy hands,

to be entirely at Thy disposal,

having no will or interest of my own.

In prayer I can intercede for my friends, ministers,

sinners, the church, Thy kingdom to come,

with greatest freedom, ardent hopes,

as a son to his father,

as a lover to the beloved.

Help me be all prayer

and never to cease praying.

1 Thessalonians 5:17 Pray without ceasing.

Psalm 31:1-3,5 In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust; let me never be ashamed: deliver me in they righteousness. Bow down thine ear to me; deliver me speedily: be thou my strong rock, for an house of defence to save me. For thou art my rock and my fortress; therefore for thy name's sake lead me, and guide me... Into thine hand I commit my spirit: thou hast redeemed me, O LORD God of truth.

Psalm 28:6-7 Blessed be the LORD, because he hath heard the voice of my supplications. The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.

Isaiah 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.

Psalm 4:3 But know that the LORD hath set apart him that is godly for himself: the LORD will hear when I call unto him. Stand in awe, and sin not: commune with your own heart upon your bed, and be still.

How unfathomable it is that we are given the privilege to pray and let our deepest groanings of the soul, both groans of joy and groans of anguish when do not understand, be laid bare before the Lord and yet in this the Lord is still Sovereign. We pray and He hears our supplications!-and His sovereign will is accomplished. May this not be a source of laziness, but of profound gratitude. I cannot comprehend such incomprehensible notions... that the glorious God of heaven would incline His ear to hear the faint prayers of my heart! Truly, His lovingkindness extends further than I will ever know. With joy I pray! By His grace every move I make in this life has purpose. May He be glorified in my failings as well as my successes: for He is the great Sovereign Almighty. In prayer I find, that though I may have deep perplexing thought, it is a source of absolute peace that passes all understanding.

Grace in Trials

Father of Mercies,

Hear me for Jesus' sake.
I am sinful even in my closest walk with thee;

it is thy mercy I died not long ago;

Thy grace has given me faith in the cross

by which thou hast reconciled thyself to me and me to thee,

drawing me by thy great love,

reckoning me as innocent in Christ though guilty myself

Giver of all graces,

I look to thee for strength to maintain them in me,

for it is hard to practise what I believe.

Strengthen me against temptations.

My heart is an unexhausted fountain of sin,

a river of curruption since childhood days,

flowing on in every pattern of behaviour;

Thou has disarmed me of the means in which I trusted,

and I have no strength but in thee.

Thou alone canst hold back my evil ways,

but without thy grace to sustain me I fall.

Satan's darts quickly inflame me,

and the shield that should quench them easily drops from my hand:

Empower me against his wiles and assaults.

Keep me sensible of my weakness,

and of my dependence upon thy strength.
Let every trial teach me more of thy peace, more of thy love.

Thy Holy Spirit is given to increase thy graces,

and I cannot preserve or improve them

unless he works continually in me.

May he confirm my trust in thy promised help,

and let me walk humbly in dependence upon thee,

for Jesus' sake.

(Scripture of note this evening: Psalm 34 and Philippians 4)

May my heart rest in this steadfast truth and my lips ever declare that the Lord is good. Always. (:

Purification

Lord Jesus,

I sin-Grant that I may

never cease grieving because of it,

never be content with myself,

never think I can reach a point of perfection.

Kill my envy, command my tongue,

trample down self.

Give me grace to be holy, kind, gentle, pure, peaceable,

to live for Thee and not for self,

to copy Thy words, acts, spirit,

to be transformed into Thy likeness,

to be consecrated wholly to Thee,

to live entirely to Thy glory.

Deliver me from attachment to things unclean,

from wrong associations,

from the predominance of evil passions,

from the sugar of sin as well as its gall.,

that with self-loathing, deep contrition,

earnest heart searching

I may come to Thee, cast myself on Thee,

trust in Thee, cry to Thee,

be delivered by Thee.
O God, the eternal All, help me to know what

all things are shadows, but Thou art substance,

all things are quicksands, but Thou art mountain,

all things are shifting, but Thou art anchor,

all things are ignorance, but Thou art wisdom.

If my life is to be a crucible amid burning heart,

so be it,

but do Thou sit at the furnace mouth

to watch the ore that nothing be lost.

If I sin wilfully, grievously, tormentedly,

in grace take away my mourning

and give me music;

remove my sackcloth

and clothe me with beauty;

still my sighs

and fill my mouth with song,

then give me summer weather as a Christian.