To Be as This Sister Was...

I have not blogged in a while, and this one will be short.

I am reading a book which a man wrote three days following his 14 years suffered in and out of communist prisons.

What prompted him to lose precious years of his life, besides the love for his Savior?

The words of his beloved wife.

"Sabina told me, 'Richard, stand up and wash away this shame from the face of Christ! They are spitting in His face.' I said to her, 'If I do so, you lose your husband.' She replied, 'I don't wish to have a coward as a husband.' "

He endured torture beyond what his heart can even bare to retell.

She waited, endured years apart from the love of her life. She herself was imprisoned and endured unbelievable evils. But she waited. She loved the very ones who ripped him from her life. She risked her life to love her enemies for just a chance to share Christ's love.

She loved. She loved her husband, her son, her fellow persecuted believers, the blasphemers, the torturers, and the very men and women who mocked and devoted their lives to destroying the truth of God, but above all, she loved her Savior. For Him alone, she lived and loved.

She knew the depths of God's heart of love by living it. She did not give in to despair, and she WAS reunited with her beloved many years after.

I do not wish for suffering, unless it is to be refined by the fire-to love as Christ loves, to know Him more intimately than I could apart from suffering.

Oh, if I were to be as this sister was... if I were to be asked if I would choose the easy path, or hard one... by the grace of God I wish to say neither, just the path that the sovereign God has ordained me to walk... the path that brings me ever closer to His heart, His ways, His truth!

I desire to be the one who loves my beloved so deeply and purely, I would tell him to stand up and be a bold warrior for the namesake of our Savior, than to be a coward and hide in the mist of safety that so easily falls away.

Soli Deo Gloria.

"THE One" verses "The One Chosen"

This is recently written but not recently thought... it has been a process of Jesus molding my convictions and thoughts regarding this subject. Hopefully the concept is clear. Comments are welcome! I enjoy reading people's thoughts on my thoughts, haha.

It is a common and widespread belief that everyone has a soul mate, someone who is their "other half", one man (or woman) who is "the one" they "fall in love" with. Why would you not believe this?-it's oozing with romance, right? False. But really, who wouldn't want to think that there is one perfect soul who fits you like no other can? Well, me. It has always struck me as bizarre to embrace this concept. Why? It is the allure that quickly forms a root of fear, despair, and even uncertainty. I wholeheartedly disagree with any belief or hopes of finding "THE One" and instead believe in "The One Chosen."

First, we must begin with extracting the origin of this nonsense "THE One." It began in Greek mythology. Humans originally possessed two heads and four arms. But the gods soon grew uneasy and begin to suspect they contained too much power and strength. A nagging fear swept through the gods and they were afraid humans might overthrow them etc. Most gods wanted to destroy them directly, Zeus, however, came up with a better idea. Why not just split the powerful bodies down the middle? Thus male and female were created. Sexual intercourse was now the way to obtain oneness once again. Now that the one person became two, all of humanity was destined the same fate. Now each human has a "soulmate", one person who is their "other half" who makes them whole again. Every person was left to search for "THE One" all their life until they finally found wholeness with the one who was their original perfect other half.

This is where "THE One" stems from. Is there any biblical truth to this? Logically, it is backwards from God's design. God created male AND female. They were completely separate beings from the beginning and yet God blessed males and females with the gift of sex where oneness could be enjoyed. God brought His two distinct persons together for the the purpose of complementing each other and the two different entities to become as one. Mythology says we were one then separated as a punishment. God is good (unfathomably good!) and would not, and did not, do that. He gave us each other as a gift, not a curse.

So, is there only one for each person? I believe God is sovereign and He knows the plans He has for us and who will end up with who. Does that mean you or I can make a mistake and "miss" the right one and end up with someone else by accident? Absolutely not. If God is the Author of our salvation, is He not the Author of the intricacies of our daily lives as well?

Just to edge in closer to abyss, let's expound on and open the pandora's box of attraction. To enter into the personal arena, I used to struggle with **attraction**. Before you jump to conclusions let me explain. I would contemplate how I could possibly be attracted to different guys (notice the pluralization) if there was only "THE One" who was out there for me? If there was only one, surely I would only be attracted to him, right? Well, I thought so. Perhaps not everyone sees it as clear cut as I used to. Attraction happens with out permission and certainly interrupts. At times it cannot be helped. You don't exactly choose who you are attracted to. You may convince yourself that you "like" certain attributes about another person, but it still differs from attraction. So if you are attracted to different people over the course of time, how in the world are you supposed to find that soul mate person? Is there a special hint of uniqueness at all, or is it blind luck? Perhaps it just doesn't exist.

In reality it is about "free will". I have been "attracted" ( I use this word lightly) to different men over the course of time, but have thus far denied them. Meaning, I haven't indulged in any pleasures leading to such oneness. It is about a choice, to accept or reject, though attraction may still be present. It is about a personal choice in attraction. There is one that seems worth it. You choose them. You choose one.

But it isn't that simple either. In this denying then eventually choosing one, that still doesn't mean they are "THE One." It simply means you chose one person you thought was worth risking yourself for. That one attractive other has caused you to be vulnerable and open yourself up to potential possibilities, potential oneness (in the context of marriage of course) and potential hurt. So it is a mutual exchange of attraction and choosing risk. That still doesn't mean they are "THE One" because you chose risk. If all ends well and the risk for potential oneness outweighed the potential hurt, you'll be wrapped up in love and get married. THEN they are now "The Chosen One". You have now decided this one person is worth loving and living your life with. It's a choosing to deny all other attractions to anyone else because you have promised to remain faithful, to keep oneness between only each other. You choose them, you choose commitment, and you choose loving them above any other person. It is choosing faithfulness and wholeness instead of selfishness and brokenness.

This is far more enticing and romantic. Everyone wants to be wanted. How exciting is it to think that you were destined/cursed to find one person and they are the only one you are capable of loving/suppose to love? The alternative is dangerous, risky, full of passion and excitement, and the end result is knowing you are wanted. It is a vibrant love, one that requires want, desire, and active love... not we were cursed to find each other so were supposed to love each other. To meet an imperfect sinful person and be initially attracted only to find you are absolutely enthralled with them is breath taking!

Life is not all rainbows and butterflies, there will be hurt caused by your very love. But to know they chose you, are committed to you, and want you above any other person, that is true love; that is true romance. Which would you prefer to believe in, "THE One" you have no say or control in (and cursed and cast away from, only to search for them with blind luck), or "The Chosen One"? I believe the latter is far more enchanting.


***NOTE: Attraction is not meant in this post as only physical attraction. There is far more to being "attracted" to someone of the opposite gender than mere looks. Beauty of mind, purity of heart, consistency in actions, in speech, in faith etc... and the physical appearance. They are interwoven. And as a disclaimer, when I spoke of "struggled with attraction" it is incumbent upon me to humbly say, in that place of my life I was steeped in selfishness and tended to notice handsome guys (not men, for they surely were NOT men) more easily and allowed that distraction without a second thought.-though I DID refrain from engaging in any wrong/illicit behavior (save for the foolishness of flirting).

What can I even say?

In moments of silence and stillness I am caught up in God's overflow of grace. In moments such as these what can I do but trust? Each step I take is guided by a God so faithful I could never deny His love and tender leading. Patience must prevail. And yet? There is an urgency deep inside me... a longing, a hope, a desire of sorts. I am here, but with all my soul I wish to be there already. Where is there? I say I would be content to even know where there is! But more longings would overwhelm me. It oppresses me... I want to know what exactly the Lord is leading me to do. Being still does not mean being restful... it has been many months of wrestling in prayer and anguish and begging the Lord to send me somewhere, anywhere! But I am here. He knows best.

I love questions, and at times I get a picture in my mind that I ask things over and over again and He simply smiles and looks upon me with bemusement... Dearest Leah, I imagine Him speaking into me soul, your patience is only patience if it prevails. I will give you the answers when you are ready, and not a moment before. !! I mean that's what I think most of the time. I must not be ready for the answers. Maybe they would terrify me, or maybe there is more preparation I am needing. Or maybe this is a beautiful season of deepening the intimacy we share. I have a beautiful season of simply knowing my heavenly love better and better.

But truly. He is enough. I wake up and see my life through worldly eyes and sigh. Why? Why am I in this place? It is so humbling and I hate it. Then as my soul stirs to the sweet beckoning of my Savior and I see my life through His eyes... and I sigh. I have Him, and no matter what I am in this life, He is enough. I have eternity to look forward to. So I can trust and wait.

The dearest One of my heart loves me and is good. So I love Him and trust His timing is not only good, but perfect as well.


My heart is stirred by words I've heard,
In a beautifully written letter...
My soul does sing and joy it brings
For this is unfathomably better!

I must confess I cannot express
How this came to be...
Holy desire soon caught on fire
And I fell in love with Thee.

The Jump

Recently I was talking to a friend about the Lord. (What else is new?) Without going into too many details about personal things, something he said, in the midst of his explaining the beginning part of his first encounter with Christ and salvation, reminded me of something I wrote a few years ago.

I found it. I made minor edits so it would be more "readable." I think it is pretty self explanatory. However I love when you can find more or different meanings in one piece of writing. So read away(:

The Jump

There she sat. Below her was a clear and undisturbed glassy surface. A chilling wind swept in and blew her hair every which way. The water looked so serene, so calm, so peaceful. Looks can be deceiving. Exhaust from a passing car filled her lungs. Even the passing strangers traveling on the road behind beckon for her to turn back and leave.

Should she jump? Should she stay? Should she move on and wonder if the jump was worth it? It really didn’t look that dangerous. She sat and pondered her elements. It was a steep fall and she didn’t even know what was hidden in the deep water. A pipe or tree branch could be hidden underneath the blue water, something unknown, something that could potentially hurt her.

People fell into this cool pool every day; so why was she so afraid? What was holding her back? The lake was so vast and so full of unseen things, who really knew what it was like? Those who had fallen into it never looked back. Those who experienced couldn’t explain it. Some were hurt, some wanted more, some, like her, just didn’t know. The water stared back at her.

What if it was freezing, she could catch hypothermia. What if she drowned? What if it was shallow and she broke her legs? What if it was deep and sucked her under and suffocated her? What if it were more satisfying, more gratifying, and better than she could ever imagine? The what if’s were endless.

This was not a jump any could push her into; this was something only she could choose. It was so inviting, yet so frightening. Fear gripped her beating heart. To make such a leap into the unknown, to leave behind the known, could she do it, should she do it? Her mind ran a million miles an hour processing every possible question and every precaution. You would have to be crazy to willingly fall into the deep blue lake on this side of a busy highway. Everyone watching simply shook their heads and scorned those idiotic enough to jump into something so "foolish". Of course, they themselves had never made the jump, or they have fooled someone else into thinking they have a false form of it.

There was no one down to catch her, they were in too deep. Was there anyone to make the jump with her? She decided that if someone were to hold her hand and jump with her it would make all the difference. No such person existed. They all traveled 50 miles an hour down the road directly behind her. No one took the time she did to ponder such questions. Everyone was racing through life at such high speeds they forgot about the jump. Some missed the jump and were already simply drowning in their own despair. How can you miss the jump and expect your life to be the same? Some took multiple dips in the water causing it to lose it’s first allure.

She stood up and began to wave her arms at the passing cars. Stop she urged! No one would. She sat again staring at the water. To jump or not? Everything in her wanted to jump, but she was too terrified to try it. To jump or not, that is the question that hammered at every corner fold of her mind.

Was there anyone to stop and see her confused smile etched on her lips? A smile, aching to be free, and laughter echoing the whole way down while wading in the water… pulled at her. The wind began to blow harder and she only felt more alone. So alone. The jump seemed so desolate, so opposite of what it was cracked up to be. In her cynicism she doubted the exhilaration of such a jump. Yet here she was, sitting, wishing, and waiting. Her heart yearned to make the jump. So unable to leave, yet so unable to fall forward. Here she sat.

The pull... the draw... it was absolutely irresistible. Then she jumped. Suddenly she was submerged in a something entirely different and entirely more exhilarating than she anticipated. Suddenly, beneath deep blue waters, she had arrived. There she became alive. Alive as she never was before, deeper than any depth she had imagined, and overwhelmed in the most beautiful and perfect way. Here she lived.

(:

Living Life!

I am so humbled when I think about the Lord. It puts me in awe when I soak in His wondrous love! He bestows more kindness and joy on my life than I deserve. I am so unworthy of His faithful dealings with me.

Who would have thought living in Houston would actually bring such joy? Who would have thought being at a standstill could still bring fulfillment and peace? Who would have thought that despite not knowing where I am headed, I am content where I am?

He has plans for me. He has me here for a reason. Each day unfolds more of His beauty. I fall so short, but His mercy is new every morning! I am stumbling forward eyes heavenward and heart lifted to none but my Redeemer. Each step is one of faith. I do not know what tomorrow brings. I don't need to know. I need to know that here and now that the God of heaven loves me and the Holy Spirit will guide and comfort me in the midst of all things.

John 10:10b I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

That has been a theme in getting my attention as of late. The Lord is ever so gracious to my blindness. He came for me to live this life. And I find so much more joy and have found life full in every way lately. I may be more content and joyful than being at A&M!? I have found sweet fellowship, yet stay connected with my best friends God blessed me with at A&M. I find joy in so much everything!

It's as if my life is a canvas, and sometimes I reach up to the hands (God) that is painting the colors of my life. I tend to reach for the brush, I yearn and say I want to skip the end! I want to see how it's beautiful, but I don't want to experience the beauty unfold. I long and ask please just let me be WITH the hands that are so steady... but He patiently reminds me with each stroke, I want to add color and vibrancy to your life! Part of loving me is letting me bless you. His goodness cannot stay welled up inside Him, He is good so He pours out His goodness, making Him all the more good!! As the brush hits the canvas He longingly wants to me to accept His goodness of an abundant life... He wants me to have all the variations of beautiful colors, to enjoy His creativity in love. He wants to create a masterpiece out of my life- for me to enjoy and to further glorify Himself and show how incredible He is in every way. It's a win win situation.

That's what my life feels like. I read once, "Some men are so earthly minded, they are no heavenly good. And some men are so heavenly minded, they are no earthly good." Oh what a heart wrenching statement! I pray to be a balance. My soul longs for eternity in the presence of God! To worship all that He is causes my soul to leap up and stir all this crazy passion and love dwelling in me! How I long for that day! But then crash down to earth. What a terrible place to land. So many people skewing who God is... so many twisting His word, so many spitting upon the face of the Lord I so dearly love (unintentionally or maybe not.). It makes my soul weary. But then Christ beckons me, Leah are you willing to wipe the spit off my brow? Will you boldly live for me no matter what the cost? Then my heart stirs with new passion, I am to live for Him!

That is it. It is to live, to be real, to be genuine. I cannot be in some spiritual world constantly seeking some weird Jesus nirvana and leave the world crumbling behind me. He has called me to enjoy and live this life and show others how to be glad in Him. -To be a light amid darkness, to be an arrow pointing to the Savior. I am not perfect, but I serve a perfect God. I am nothing more than a young woman wholly surrendered to His love and purposes, yet still living and breathing and making decisions each day.

I live in this moment. I live for His glory. I live because He gives me joy that I cannot explain or express. He is good. His very nature is the epitome of good. And good does not indulge in every whim and desire... He is good to give me what I need, and not always what I think I need!

Oh how I love Him!

I am Not Skilled to Understand

Hello world of blogging(:

It's been a while since I've attempted to write anything here. It is absolutely mind blowing how much God has been doing in my life, heart, and soul lately. There is no place I would rather be than in His presence, in His will.

I have so much time right now. More than I ever have in my entire life honestly. It's like this huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. But in its place is this sense of urgency. For what? To be all that God has called me to be... but to grasp in some small way how to prepare for whatever He has for me. I want to read, to witness, to learn piano, to learn guitar, to love, to write, to sing, to pour into those around me, to grow in every way I possibly can! With all this time I am so terrified of wasting it.

Where to from here? I don't want to get caught up in the future and miss this moment. It is so beautiful to rest and be still before my God. I find myself wanting to get ahead of this moment, but His Spirit moves me to wait. To be still. To know Him deeper. To seek Him above all else.

It absolutely astounds me and humbles me to my core that a God so brilliant in every way possible, chose me. Loves me. Wants to use me? That I'm His own!

Here's a peak into me. This is an entry from a prayer journal of sorts:

"1 Peter 2:9 'But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God's own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.'

Why do You love me Lord? I cannot fathom why... but You are good and love perfectly. I am Yours. I do want to proclaim Your excellencies... forever! Give me grace, humility, and strength to live according to Your purposes (:

I want to be constantly aware of You. I want to live in union with You! I want You so woven into the intricate fibers of my life there is no separation at any points.

I am absolutely enthralled by this love we share! (:"

I wrote this that morning and was in College Station visiting. That night I went to bible study at the BSM. Every single song played in worship that night struck a chord in me and resonated deep inside my soul. Everything I have been praying about, wrestling with, and conflicted about were all confronted through these songs.

"I am not skilled to understand, what God has willed what God has planned. I only know at His right hand, stands One who is my Saviour."

I trembled to sing the words. It was like every line of every song was this intensely personal prayer that I was singing to my Lord and Savior. I've wondered about next year so much. I am not worried in a sense that I am stressing myself, but I wonder and earnestly pray for answers. I want to know. I want to understand how God is working. But He isn't telling me that, He's telling me to trust, to wait, to let my faith be strengthened, to lean on Him, rest in Him, love Him, and to just long to know Him more. I am not skilled to understand! What are His plans for me? All I know is that I have a Savior who penetrates and pierces the deepest parts of me, and loves me.

It puts me in awe of how beautiful the body of Christ is. When we are doing what He calls us to and we are sensitive to the Holy Spirit, those around are encouraged. If Erik had not lead worship and chosen the songs (despite his own feelings) I would not have been so encouraged. Those who send a facebook message, or a text, or in person express what God is urging them to say... where would I be? It is this community that is such a blessing.

All I know is my God. He is my rock. He is the steadying force to this adventure I have begun to traverse upon. He is there every moment of every day.

I enjoy prayer so much. To be in constant communication with my Love is my heart's delight!

What a wonderful God! What a precious gift His son was. What an incredible life-line His Spirit is.

This life is nothing more than a simple girl striving for One greater than everything this world has to offer.

Tidbit.

The vast wonder of who this God I serve is shakes me to my core... how can I even take a breath of selfishness when I think about Him? How can I live oblivious and concerning myself with the affairs of this world when He simply... is. He exists. He reigns, He lives, He is all beauty, power, honor, glory, majesty, and everything wonderful! He is!! If I could but grasp one bit of this God... wouldn't my world be forever devastated and made new? I feel selfishness fading into oblivion and my God consuming every inch of me!!!! AH!!! WHY DO WE LIVE AS WE DO?! It's so pointless!!!

Excuse me while I go evaluate life for a moment (; And pray, and commune with this holy holy holy God.