Monday, September 20, 2010

I am Not Skilled to Understand

Hello world of blogging(:

It's been a while since I've attempted to write anything here. It is absolutely mind blowing how much God has been doing in my life, heart, and soul lately. There is no place I would rather be than in His presence, in His will.

I have so much time right now. More than I ever have in my entire life honestly. It's like this huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. But in its place is this sense of urgency. For what? To be all that God has called me to be... but to grasp in some small way how to prepare for whatever He has for me. I want to read, to witness, to learn piano, to learn guitar, to love, to write, to sing, to pour into those around me, to grow in every way I possibly can! With all this time I am so terrified of wasting it.

Where to from here? I don't want to get caught up in the future and miss this moment. It is so beautiful to rest and be still before my God. I find myself wanting to get ahead of this moment, but His Spirit moves me to wait. To be still. To know Him deeper. To seek Him above all else.

It absolutely astounds me and humbles me to my core that a God so brilliant in every way possible, chose me. Loves me. Wants to use me? That I'm His own!

Here's a peak into me. This is an entry from a prayer journal of sorts:

"1 Peter 2:9 'But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God's own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.'

Why do You love me Lord? I cannot fathom why... but You are good and love perfectly. I am Yours. I do want to proclaim Your excellencies... forever! Give me grace, humility, and strength to live according to Your purposes (:

I want to be constantly aware of You. I want to live in union with You! I want You so woven into the intricate fibers of my life there is no separation at any points.

I am absolutely enthralled by this love we share! (:"

I wrote this that morning and was in College Station visiting. That night I went to bible study at the BSM. Every single song played in worship that night struck a chord in me and resonated deep inside my soul. Everything I have been praying about, wrestling with, and conflicted about were all confronted through these songs.

"I am not skilled to understand, what God has willed what God has planned. I only know at His right hand, stands One who is my Saviour."

I trembled to sing the words. It was like every line of every song was this intensely personal prayer that I was singing to my Lord and Savior. I've wondered about next year so much. I am not worried in a sense that I am stressing myself, but I wonder and earnestly pray for answers. I want to know. I want to understand how God is working. But He isn't telling me that, He's telling me to trust, to wait, to let my faith be strengthened, to lean on Him, rest in Him, love Him, and to just long to know Him more. I am not skilled to understand! What are His plans for me? All I know is that I have a Savior who penetrates and pierces the deepest parts of me, and loves me.

It puts me in awe of how beautiful the body of Christ is. When we are doing what He calls us to and we are sensitive to the Holy Spirit, those around are encouraged. If Erik had not lead worship and chosen the songs (despite his own feelings) I would not have been so encouraged. Those who send a facebook message, or a text, or in person express what God is urging them to say... where would I be? It is this community that is such a blessing.

All I know is my God. He is my rock. He is the steadying force to this adventure I have begun to traverse upon. He is there every moment of every day.

I enjoy prayer so much. To be in constant communication with my Love is my heart's delight!

What a wonderful God! What a precious gift His son was. What an incredible life-line His Spirit is.

This life is nothing more than a simple girl striving for One greater than everything this world has to offer.