Wednesday, December 15, 2010

What can I even say?

In moments of silence and stillness I am caught up in God's overflow of grace. In moments such as these what can I do but trust? Each step I take is guided by a God so faithful I could never deny His love and tender leading. Patience must prevail. And yet? There is an urgency deep inside me... a longing, a hope, a desire of sorts. I am here, but with all my soul I wish to be there already. Where is there? I say I would be content to even know where there is! But more longings would overwhelm me. It oppresses me... I want to know what exactly the Lord is leading me to do. Being still does not mean being restful... it has been many months of wrestling in prayer and anguish and begging the Lord to send me somewhere, anywhere! But I am here. He knows best.

I love questions, and at times I get a picture in my mind that I ask things over and over again and He simply smiles and looks upon me with bemusement... Dearest Leah, I imagine Him speaking into me soul, your patience is only patience if it prevails. I will give you the answers when you are ready, and not a moment before. !! I mean that's what I think most of the time. I must not be ready for the answers. Maybe they would terrify me, or maybe there is more preparation I am needing. Or maybe this is a beautiful season of deepening the intimacy we share. I have a beautiful season of simply knowing my heavenly love better and better.

But truly. He is enough. I wake up and see my life through worldly eyes and sigh. Why? Why am I in this place? It is so humbling and I hate it. Then as my soul stirs to the sweet beckoning of my Savior and I see my life through His eyes... and I sigh. I have Him, and no matter what I am in this life, He is enough. I have eternity to look forward to. So I can trust and wait.

The dearest One of my heart loves me and is good. So I love Him and trust His timing is not only good, but perfect as well.

My heart is stirred by words I've heard,
In a beautifully written letter...
My soul does sing and joy it brings
For this is unfathomably better!

I must confess I cannot express
How this came to be...
Holy desire soon caught on fire
And I fell in love with Thee.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Jump

Recently I was talking to a friend about the Lord. (What else is new?) Without going into too many details about personal things, something he said, in the midst of his explaining the beginning part of his first encounter with Christ and salvation, reminded me of something I wrote a few years ago.

I found it. I made minor edits so it would be more "readable." I think it is pretty self explanatory. However I love when you can find more or different meanings in one piece of writing. So read away(:

The Jump

There she sat. Below her was a clear and undisturbed glassy surface. A chilling wind swept in and blew her hair every which way. The water looked so serene, so calm, so peaceful. Looks can be deceiving. Exhaust from a passing car filled her lungs. Even the passing strangers traveling on the road behind beckon for her to turn back and leave.

Should she jump? Should she stay? Should she move on and wonder if the jump was worth it? It really didn’t look that dangerous. She sat and pondered her elements. It was a steep fall and she didn’t even know what was hidden in the deep water. A pipe or tree branch could be hidden underneath the blue water, something unknown, something that could potentially hurt her.

People fell into this cool pool every day; so why was she so afraid? What was holding her back? The lake was so vast and so full of unseen things, who really knew what it was like? Those who had fallen into it never looked back. Those who experienced couldn’t explain it. Some were hurt, some wanted more, some, like her, just didn’t know. The water stared back at her.

What if it was freezing, she could catch hypothermia. What if she drowned? What if it was shallow and she broke her legs? What if it was deep and sucked her under and suffocated her? What if it were more satisfying, more gratifying, and better than she could ever imagine? The what if’s were endless.

This was not a jump any could push her into; this was something only she could choose. It was so inviting, yet so frightening. Fear gripped her beating heart. To make such a leap into the unknown, to leave behind the known, could she do it, should she do it? Her mind ran a million miles an hour processing every possible question and every precaution. You would have to be crazy to willingly fall into the deep blue lake on this side of a busy highway. Everyone watching simply shook their heads and scorned those idiotic enough to jump into something so "foolish". Of course, they themselves had never made the jump, or they have fooled someone else into thinking they have a false form of it.

There was no one down to catch her, they were in too deep. Was there anyone to make the jump with her? She decided that if someone were to hold her hand and jump with her it would make all the difference. No such person existed. They all traveled 50 miles an hour down the road directly behind her. No one took the time she did to ponder such questions. Everyone was racing through life at such high speeds they forgot about the jump. Some missed the jump and were already simply drowning in their own despair. How can you miss the jump and expect your life to be the same? Some took multiple dips in the water causing it to lose it’s first allure.

She stood up and began to wave her arms at the passing cars. Stop she urged! No one would. She sat again staring at the water. To jump or not? Everything in her wanted to jump, but she was too terrified to try it. To jump or not, that is the question that hammered at every corner fold of her mind.

Was there anyone to stop and see her confused smile etched on her lips? A smile, aching to be free, and laughter echoing the whole way down while wading in the water… pulled at her. The wind began to blow harder and she only felt more alone. So alone. The jump seemed so desolate, so opposite of what it was cracked up to be. In her cynicism she doubted the exhilaration of such a jump. Yet here she was, sitting, wishing, and waiting. Her heart yearned to make the jump. So unable to leave, yet so unable to fall forward. Here she sat.

The pull... the draw... it was absolutely irresistible. Then she jumped. Suddenly she was submerged in a something entirely different and entirely more exhilarating than she anticipated. Suddenly, beneath deep blue waters, she had arrived. There she became alive. Alive as she never was before, deeper than any depth she had imagined, and overwhelmed in the most beautiful and perfect way. Here she lived.