Monday, December 28, 2009

Passion. Fire. Desire. Love. Hope. Beauty. Life.

Well, this heart is beating... a steady and ready thump that gets excited and races a few beats too fast at times!

O! If I could but convey what I mean! My heart grows wildly exuberant when thinking of my dear Savior and the love we share! Then my heart beats in anticipation... for my earthly love!!!! Both sweet and tender and mean more to me than what the world could ever offer.

My heart is full of love, sweet sensational love for my beloved(: No, I don't know who he is yet. But why does that mean I can't love him now?! I long to honor Christ with my life... so why can't I honor my future husband now with my actions? That is my very heartbeat, the rhythmic poundings resounding loud and sync with my very soul! My soul sings a sweet song of joy for my first love, and yet another for my second love!!

I want to keep my heart pure, my body pure, my affections unattached to any other... I want to give my whole heart to but ONE man! I don't want to waste time dating, looking, or hoping. I want to rest in my loving Saviour's arms and pursue Him with all that I am! As I run the race one day a man will run beside me and together we can run the course the Lord has set for us!! For if my eyes are to the sides looking for a running mate, my eyes aren't even on the reason I'm running!! I want to keep my sights on what truly matters above all, my sweet Redeemer!

In a world crawling with selfish indulgences... I fervently pray the Lord would keep my heart!! I don't want to date to find out who I'm compatible with nor do I want to wait around wasting away the days the Lord has blessed me with!! I want Him!! All of Him, all of His love, all of He has to offer me! And I want to honor what He has given me now, my life and time!

But it's so hard sometimes, I am completely human, and humanness is a quality I suffer! haha! I long for my lover so deeply at times it's unbearable. But bear it I will, and gladly! For I've come to one conclusion: Never do I want to indulge my desires selfishly, for if I but give one piece of me away, what does that profit? Nothing! The only man who will ever satisfy the deep longings for love and intimacy in my hearts is but ONE man!! The man the Lord is preparing for me(: How could I forsake that? How could I want to date just any guy when I have the most beautiful and amazing guy I get to spend a lifetime with!!! I'll wait for that(:

Passion. Fire. Desire. Love. Hope. Beauty. Life.

I want it all, and I'll wait forever until I have eternity to spend with the most brilliant Lover of my soul if that's what it takes!!! If the Lord wills for me to be single, I'll gladly be! I only want what He wants, and only He could match me with a man I long for. And if no such man exists, then hallelujah Jesus is mine!

And more exciting, I recently listened to Jenny and Tyler who have the cutest music on the planet. Great vocals that blend perfectly together. Oh did I mentioned they're married and love to sing love songs to Jesus and each other? So precious! In my heart I felt a tug, a little pull from a hope hidden deep in my heart (about to be exposed!!!!!)... I know the Lord has a wonderful future for me, but I've always hoped for a love who is passionate about music and sings as well!

But God knows far better than I what I need! Thank you Father!

Sigh(: God is so good! My heart is 100% full of Him and I wouldn't have it any other way!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Rad, Shach, and Benny!


So I'm reading through Daniel, and the other day I simply fell in love all over again with these two verses:

"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."
-Daniel 3:17-18

Um, wow! Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego were pretty legit! The dared to stand before a king, a king who held them in captivity, a king they were subservient to, a king who held their earthly lives in his hands... and yet they chose their love and devotion to their God above literally everything, their position in the kingdom, their riches, their very lives!! And on top of that they showed incredible faith in God.

It's breath taking when you let it sink in... here are three young men who placed their whole trust in God and had faith so strong that they KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt He was more than capable of delivering them from the furnace, yet they knew HE knew best... and even if He chose not to save their earthly life they would still stay faithful to Him. Crazy.

That's the kind of faith I want, that's the kind of daring boldness I want in my life. I don't want anything to matter, not man's decrees or man's praise, nothing but my Savior. That's the prayer of my heart...

Oh more than anything! I look around and see feeble weak faith, I see guys and girls who love Jesus genuinely... but where is the fire, the passion, the all consuming love for Him? Where is the life reflected of God's glory? Where is the devotion, heart, and offering ourselves as living sacrifices? Where is the CHRIST in christian?! "Little Christ" is what christian is supposed to mean.. There is so much more we miss!! So much more we lack... we get but a glimpse of God and some miss that entirely. Why the apathy, why the lack of care, why the complacency?! It breaks my heart...

And it makes me want to run! Run with endurance the race the Lord God of heaven has set before me... run towards the goal and never look behind. I want my eyes to be fixed ever heavenward...

Anyways, love those verses(:

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Future, I know you're ahead... but when will I see you?

I must write, or burst! There is much on this heart of mine, much I'm wondering about, much I'm seeking the Lord's will on. Because to be quite frank, I don't know what in the world I'm doing here!

It's a walk of faith, this road I'm on. I always thought I'd know, I always thought it would one big parade of living where the things I'd hope for would fall in line... the band would play and the trumpets would resound! Yay and everything was the way it ought to be, what I thought it should be!-but no! Oh thank the Lord no, it is not anywhere near what I planned!

I never would have imagined being where I am now. I never could have foreseen the chain of events that led me to where I am now, who I am now. But it's so much better than I could have imagined! So much sweeter, so much richer, so much more profitable to my soul!!

The most beautiful thing of all is how the intimacy that has deepened between Christ and I is so utterly satisfying, so perfect, so wonderful! And that alone is worth more to me than all the riches that have ever existed. To know Him, and to make Him known... it is the sweetest of all callings. Nothing in me outweighs the desire I have for Christ.

But even then I do have my earthly longings, but my love for my Lord is so great all I can do is pray, All my longings before You Lord! Yes, even though my desires are not sinful, if they creep to the center of my heart, it can become something grossly wicked! So I pray and leave all that I am at the feet of Jesus and allow Him to work in my life! These desires, ones cultivated by the hand of God, beckon softly, and they stand patiently in line with my love for my Prince of Peace.

It's a narrow road, a hard road, sometimes lonely, but never without joy, peace, and love beyond compare! Sometimes it seems my eyes are so limited I see but the moments I'm in, the moments ahead are nothing more than a fog to my silly human heart. In good time the Lord will reveal more to me. Until then I marvel at His glory! I trust.

But amid the trust, there is wondering. What my Lord? I don't question His divine plan in a doubting way, I ask where to next? What would you have me do? Where would you have me go? Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and will find me. When you seek me will all your heart..." This truth is hidden deep in my heart. I believe it whole-heartedly and nothing could convince me otherwise. With all my heart I do seek His face, with all I am I search for Him, with deepest love I long for Him. He has a future for me, I'm just not sure beyond the semester what that is. Where would He have me go?

Biggest on my heart though: What of A&M? I never understood why I was there... there is nothing academically for me there. Human resources, really? I don't want to be stuck in a job where I do things I don't care about. I want to live out my days with an all consuming passion for my Lord and things He's put on my heart! One being His holy word, and the other music!! Why in the world am I here in cstat? Was it Him testing my heart and obedience? I've grown so much closer to Him and learned so much!! But for 4 years to graduate with a degree I hardly care for? Hm. Amber, Ashley, and Erin all tell me of their Old testament classes... chapel they attend... and my heart is turned! I'm so wildly excited for them! But... I'm so jealous! I want to go to school and learn about Christ. I'm not a huge fan of going to classes and lectures about pointless views of our world through the eyes of some liberal prof who couldn't care less about Christ! Half the semester I've quietly pondered these things in my heart. Lord, what am I to do? Where am I supposed to be? I wish I knew.

All these desires... all for His glory! That is all I want. I want Him to be glorified above all. I can't say enough how I truly want less and less of me so that He can come and fill the gaps, so that there can be more of HIM!

To Him be the honor and praise through this life.


Is it not enough that He willingly bled and died a horrible death for us? The price was not cheap! The facts are not unchanged if we simply forget about them. He rose and conquered death, not that we could live in selfishness, but so that we may be reconciled to our Maker, our God.

So then, how do we live? Most times I see people living pretty good. You don’t lie, cuss, cheat, steal, or do wrong to anyone. But is that enough? Maybe trusting Christ and living a good life is enough for most people… but the soul in me cries never! I long with every fiber of my being to KNOW the Holy and Mighty God I call Savior in the deepest and most intimate way possible. I pray and beg God to tear away my sinful selfish longings and instead place His desires and longings in me. It’s incredibly painful, relinquishing selfishness. But I can’t think of anything else I’d rather have, less of me and more of Him!

I don’t want to memorize scripture just because that’s what we ought to do. I want to know the very heart beat of God! I want to know His word so I can know Him. And I’ve noticed His heart is for people, every single person here on this earth. Yet most days I walk past hundreds of people offering nothing more than a Howdy or a smile. I sit on buses next to people who are lost and destined for eternity without my sweet precious Jesus. Oh how my heart breaks with each beat! If I could but reach one and share His love with them… but I want to share more than just His love, I want to share HIM and I want them to know Him! Yet what can one person do? I used to agonize over this and feel useless to His cause. But I’ve come to realize that is selfishness in its truest form!! What can I do? Nothing. It’s about what HE can do, and He can do whatever He wants through one person! And I’m more than willing to lay aside my selfish blind Americanized view of things and let Him radically change my way of thinking and living.

It’s easy to think “I can’t wait to go on that mission trip” or go and do whatever for Him… because that somehow seems more spiritual. But how blind are we? Yes the world needs us, but God has placed us in our every day situations for a reason! It’s easy to seem very Christian for a weekend, a week, a month, or even two… but living for Him each moment of every day is what counts.

Oh how my soul yearns to know my Lord and to share Him with anyone who will listen!! If He would but move this heart of mine and lead me in the way everlasting, I can't think of anything else I'd rather do. To have less of me and MORE of Him! It's ridiculous how words won't suffice for the way my inner being is moved by my Lord. How do I convey the depth of my love for Him? How do I proclaim the Good News when words fail to capture the epitome of the word "good"? Only by the grace of God!!

Ah, love love love... love Him more and more with each passing day. I pray for peace, strength, and grace to go where He leads, to love how He loves, and to live a life glorifying to Him above all else!

I don't want to live a day without Him being at the center. I don't want to let my own selfish gain get in the way of what He is calling me to. My desires mean nothing if they aren't aligned with His desires!! I love Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart." My delight is in the Lord, and my heart's cry is to find Him in each moment of each day, to grow closer to Him and know His heart. And I find as I seek His face that my desires seem so trivial in light of all His glory!- I find my desires fade into oblivion... and His take over my soul. Yes, I have my moments of selfish desires... but when that happens my heart breaks and I beg God to remove all selfishness!! He knows me better than myself and knows my desires, and He is the one who placed those in me. Only He is the author and finisher of who I am and how I shall live... only He can satisfy my longings. He knows far better than I!

He knows how weak and fragile my human heart is, so I lay it at His feet each waking morn and pray He would be my strength. Ah, I love my God so much...(:

Friday, December 25, 2009

Facebook Note

This is from a couple months ago and I put it on facebook(: But I forgot about this blog... but I rediscovered it! I may start posting occasionally, who knows? But my note:

First off, I want to say how incredibly blessed and humbled I am when I think about how the God of all creation chose to love me, and loves me continually. It’s unfathomable, incomprehensible, mind-blowing, and something I’ll never understand until I’m ushered into His presence in heaven. What a marvelous thing to trust in, His unfailing perfect love. I honestly cannot imagine life without Christ’s love, and I don’t see how people live life without Him.

I want to know this Creator of love, I want to know about His love, I want to know how to love like Him, I want my life to reflect His love, I want to live a life that is an outpouring of His love, I just want to strive and follow hard after this God for a lifetime… if only to get a glimpse of His magnificence before heaven. Whatever it takes in this life, I want to know Him. How could I not? How could you know of His love and not be moved or not want to live to know Him and make Him known all the days He gives you? Any chance in this life that provides an opportunity for me to draw near to my Saviour, to understand His love better, and to grow in my faith and love in Him, I not only want it but need it as well.

We all crave love, no one can escape that much. The utterly sad truth is, most people try and find love in the wrong places. Our world is obsessed with a twisted version of love that is self-seeking. It’s not only selfish, but no human could ever satisfy the deep longing for love we intrinsically possess. And people look for that fulfillment of that longing in romantic love, not just unbelievers, but believers as well. But how can we do that? How can we sit in awe of a God so perfect and so capable of meeting every need for love… then the next minute we become infatuated with finding “the one” ?

I’m not saying human love, or romantic love is wrong, not at all. Just clarifying.

For me personally, I definitely used to be like that. I loved the Lord but was very preoccupied with a hope for finding love, romance, and that one special guy. I think He puts desires in us but sometimes he tests those to make sure He is still our first desire. Towards the end of my junior year as I realized the deep love I had for him, how only His love satisfied me, His love was all I ever needed, all I ever wanted, and that He was all I wanted to live for... that He alone is what my heart, mind, body and soul longed for, He challenged me and had some fun with me! I still thought I needed earthly love, and sometimes that “need” would start to outweigh my need for Christ. He began to convict my heart and as I was praying one night
and He gently asked me, “Leah, am I enough?” With a passionate cry I prayed yes of course! Then He asked me... “Am I really enough, even if an earthly love never comes into your life, even if marriage is never part of your life... is My love enough?” Silence swept over me. I felt this deep turmoil in me and I prayed and wrestled over that because when I was being honest with myself and God, I wasn’t sure. But in the midst of this struggle in my heart, the obvious answer crashed down on my silly human heart, I realized of course. HIS love is more than I could ask for, more than I could comprehend, and He loves me more than any guy ever could.

So the answer was yes, He was enough no matter what. I’m not saying I still don’t have the desire to fall in love and get married, I definitely still desire that! But the Lord brought me to a point where I grasped that His love is what truly satisfies my deepest desires. And no matter what His plans are for me, I would be more than ok with singleness because He satisfies that deep longing I have to be loved. I'd much rather be single and in love with Him than trying to find love on my own terms and get side tracked from my relationship with Him.

So, when I think about love and attractions all these crazy thoughts have been growing in me since then. Obviously the single most attractive trait a man can possess (to me anyways..) is his being like Christ. I have to believe that love means so much more than just finding that person to grow old with. If the Lord has marriage in my future, it’s going to because that man and I are going to be able to live and accomplish so much more together for the Kingdom and bringing Christ glory than we ever could apart. It’s not just falling in love with a man and finding joy through that, but about putting Christ first above any and everything… especially through marriage because of all the awesome portrayals of love and marriage the Bible has.

But lately I’ve been thinking it could possibly be more. What if all this attraction and falling in love, putting Christ first business, pushes us further into God’s loving arms?-it’s another way to grow in closer intimacy with our Lord?

If a man mirrors Christ every day in his actions and is merely a reflection … he is essentially mirroring Christ’s love. For to be like Christ is to love, because God is love, and God loved us so much He sent His son to die for us… and Christ loved His Father and loved us so much he willingly bled and died for our sins so we could be reconciled to the love we so desperately need. So, living like Christ, means loving like Christ. Since this man loves the Lord and lives for Him, when falling in love and getting to know him and his heart, what is on his heart? His love for everything good and godly from the Father. His heart would be focused on the Lord, his love would be for the lord, his actions would be devoted to furthering Christ kingdom, his joy would be of the Lord, his whole life is being lived out for the sake of making Christ known. So as you(hypothetically speaking) would fall in love with him, you would see Christ’s love and understand God’s love better. We are to be like Christ, and what better way to know Christ than to know one of His followers who is like Him?

I’m trying to say that if the initial attraction starts with being drawn to someone who’s inner man is mirroring Christ and someone else gets a glimpse of that… which grows into something more, you fall in love, etc, all along the way as you learn about this someone, who is like Christ, God uses that someone to draw you ever closer to Him, not further away. And if you’re finding yourself falling away from the Lord because of a relationship it’s probably not a good idea, at all.

I’m not saying you need a relationship to know the love of God better, after all look at Paul!! But maybe if love/marriage wasn’t a selfish need for another person, we could better understand that our longing will ONLY be satisfied in Christ’s love and we could focus on loving fully and freely… not selfishly needing a person. When we find that love in Christ, that love can overflow in every area, not just in romantic relationships. But especially for romantic love, when we love like Christ we find we can’t selfishly need a person because we would want to selflessly love them(like Christ does).

Hopefully all of that makes some sort of sense. I just long for God’s perfect love with every fiber of my being first and foremost. And I can’t imagine dating just to date, or even having a few “serious” relationships trying to find the right one. I’ve found love so amazing, so divine, and that’s all I need. I just want to love the Lord and learn more about Him each and every day for all my days… so I want to wait for one who teaches me about Christ and the love He has for both of us.
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