Monday, December 28, 2009

Passion. Fire. Desire. Love. Hope. Beauty. Life.

Well, this heart is beating... a steady and ready thump that gets excited and races a few beats too fast at times!

O! If I could but convey what I mean! My heart grows wildly exuberant when thinking of my dear Savior and the love we share! Then my heart beats in anticipation... for my earthly love!!!! Both sweet and tender and mean more to me than what the world could ever offer.

My heart is full of love, sweet sensational love for my beloved(: No, I don't know who he is yet. But why does that mean I can't love him now?! I long to honor Christ with my life... so why can't I honor my future husband now with my actions? That is my very heartbeat, the rhythmic poundings resounding loud and sync with my very soul! My soul sings a sweet song of joy for my first love, and yet another for my second love!!

I want to keep my heart pure, my body pure, my affections unattached to any other... I want to give my whole heart to but ONE man! I don't want to waste time dating, looking, or hoping. I want to rest in my loving Saviour's arms and pursue Him with all that I am! As I run the race one day a man will run beside me and together we can run the course the Lord has set for us!! For if my eyes are to the sides looking for a running mate, my eyes aren't even on the reason I'm running!! I want to keep my sights on what truly matters above all, my sweet Redeemer!

In a world crawling with selfish indulgences... I fervently pray the Lord would keep my heart!! I don't want to date to find out who I'm compatible with nor do I want to wait around wasting away the days the Lord has blessed me with!! I want Him!! All of Him, all of His love, all of He has to offer me! And I want to honor what He has given me now, my life and time!

But it's so hard sometimes, I am completely human, and humanness is a quality I suffer! haha! I long for my lover so deeply at times it's unbearable. But bear it I will, and gladly! For I've come to one conclusion: Never do I want to indulge my desires selfishly, for if I but give one piece of me away, what does that profit? Nothing! The only man who will ever satisfy the deep longings for love and intimacy in my hearts is but ONE man!! The man the Lord is preparing for me(: How could I forsake that? How could I want to date just any guy when I have the most beautiful and amazing guy I get to spend a lifetime with!!! I'll wait for that(:

Passion. Fire. Desire. Love. Hope. Beauty. Life.

I want it all, and I'll wait forever until I have eternity to spend with the most brilliant Lover of my soul if that's what it takes!!! If the Lord wills for me to be single, I'll gladly be! I only want what He wants, and only He could match me with a man I long for. And if no such man exists, then hallelujah Jesus is mine!

And more exciting, I recently listened to Jenny and Tyler who have the cutest music on the planet. Great vocals that blend perfectly together. Oh did I mentioned they're married and love to sing love songs to Jesus and each other? So precious! In my heart I felt a tug, a little pull from a hope hidden deep in my heart (about to be exposed!!!!!)... I know the Lord has a wonderful future for me, but I've always hoped for a love who is passionate about music and sings as well!

But God knows far better than I what I need! Thank you Father!

Sigh(: God is so good! My heart is 100% full of Him and I wouldn't have it any other way!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Rad, Shach, and Benny!


So I'm reading through Daniel, and the other day I simply fell in love all over again with these two verses:

"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."
-Daniel 3:17-18

Um, wow! Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego were pretty legit! The dared to stand before a king, a king who held them in captivity, a king they were subservient to, a king who held their earthly lives in his hands... and yet they chose their love and devotion to their God above literally everything, their position in the kingdom, their riches, their very lives!! And on top of that they showed incredible faith in God.

It's breath taking when you let it sink in... here are three young men who placed their whole trust in God and had faith so strong that they KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt He was more than capable of delivering them from the furnace, yet they knew HE knew best... and even if He chose not to save their earthly life they would still stay faithful to Him. Crazy.

That's the kind of faith I want, that's the kind of daring boldness I want in my life. I don't want anything to matter, not man's decrees or man's praise, nothing but my Savior. That's the prayer of my heart...

Oh more than anything! I look around and see feeble weak faith, I see guys and girls who love Jesus genuinely... but where is the fire, the passion, the all consuming love for Him? Where is the life reflected of God's glory? Where is the devotion, heart, and offering ourselves as living sacrifices? Where is the CHRIST in christian?! "Little Christ" is what christian is supposed to mean.. There is so much more we miss!! So much more we lack... we get but a glimpse of God and some miss that entirely. Why the apathy, why the lack of care, why the complacency?! It breaks my heart...

And it makes me want to run! Run with endurance the race the Lord God of heaven has set before me... run towards the goal and never look behind. I want my eyes to be fixed ever heavenward...

Anyways, love those verses(:

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Future, I know you're ahead... but when will I see you?

I must write, or burst! There is much on this heart of mine, much I'm wondering about, much I'm seeking the Lord's will on. Because to be quite frank, I don't know what in the world I'm doing here!

It's a walk of faith, this road I'm on. I always thought I'd know, I always thought it would one big parade of living where the things I'd hope for would fall in line... the band would play and the trumpets would resound! Yay and everything was the way it ought to be, what I thought it should be!-but no! Oh thank the Lord no, it is not anywhere near what I planned!

I never would have imagined being where I am now. I never could have foreseen the chain of events that led me to where I am now, who I am now. But it's so much better than I could have imagined! So much sweeter, so much richer, so much more profitable to my soul!!

The most beautiful thing of all is how the intimacy that has deepened between Christ and I is so utterly satisfying, so perfect, so wonderful! And that alone is worth more to me than all the riches that have ever existed. To know Him, and to make Him known... it is the sweetest of all callings. Nothing in me outweighs the desire I have for Christ.

But even then I do have my earthly longings, but my love for my Lord is so great all I can do is pray, All my longings before You Lord! Yes, even though my desires are not sinful, if they creep to the center of my heart, it can become something grossly wicked! So I pray and leave all that I am at the feet of Jesus and allow Him to work in my life! These desires, ones cultivated by the hand of God, beckon softly, and they stand patiently in line with my love for my Prince of Peace.

It's a narrow road, a hard road, sometimes lonely, but never without joy, peace, and love beyond compare! Sometimes it seems my eyes are so limited I see but the moments I'm in, the moments ahead are nothing more than a fog to my silly human heart. In good time the Lord will reveal more to me. Until then I marvel at His glory! I trust.

But amid the trust, there is wondering. What my Lord? I don't question His divine plan in a doubting way, I ask where to next? What would you have me do? Where would you have me go? Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and will find me. When you seek me will all your heart..." This truth is hidden deep in my heart. I believe it whole-heartedly and nothing could convince me otherwise. With all my heart I do seek His face, with all I am I search for Him, with deepest love I long for Him. He has a future for me, I'm just not sure beyond the semester what that is. Where would He have me go?

Biggest on my heart though: What of A&M? I never understood why I was there... there is nothing academically for me there. Human resources, really? I don't want to be stuck in a job where I do things I don't care about. I want to live out my days with an all consuming passion for my Lord and things He's put on my heart! One being His holy word, and the other music!! Why in the world am I here in cstat? Was it Him testing my heart and obedience? I've grown so much closer to Him and learned so much!! But for 4 years to graduate with a degree I hardly care for? Hm. Amber, Ashley, and Erin all tell me of their Old testament classes... chapel they attend... and my heart is turned! I'm so wildly excited for them! But... I'm so jealous! I want to go to school and learn about Christ. I'm not a huge fan of going to classes and lectures about pointless views of our world through the eyes of some liberal prof who couldn't care less about Christ! Half the semester I've quietly pondered these things in my heart. Lord, what am I to do? Where am I supposed to be? I wish I knew.

All these desires... all for His glory! That is all I want. I want Him to be glorified above all. I can't say enough how I truly want less and less of me so that He can come and fill the gaps, so that there can be more of HIM!

To Him be the honor and praise through this life.


Is it not enough that He willingly bled and died a horrible death for us? The price was not cheap! The facts are not unchanged if we simply forget about them. He rose and conquered death, not that we could live in selfishness, but so that we may be reconciled to our Maker, our God.

So then, how do we live? Most times I see people living pretty good. You don’t lie, cuss, cheat, steal, or do wrong to anyone. But is that enough? Maybe trusting Christ and living a good life is enough for most people… but the soul in me cries never! I long with every fiber of my being to KNOW the Holy and Mighty God I call Savior in the deepest and most intimate way possible. I pray and beg God to tear away my sinful selfish longings and instead place His desires and longings in me. It’s incredibly painful, relinquishing selfishness. But I can’t think of anything else I’d rather have, less of me and more of Him!

I don’t want to memorize scripture just because that’s what we ought to do. I want to know the very heart beat of God! I want to know His word so I can know Him. And I’ve noticed His heart is for people, every single person here on this earth. Yet most days I walk past hundreds of people offering nothing more than a Howdy or a smile. I sit on buses next to people who are lost and destined for eternity without my sweet precious Jesus. Oh how my heart breaks with each beat! If I could but reach one and share His love with them… but I want to share more than just His love, I want to share HIM and I want them to know Him! Yet what can one person do? I used to agonize over this and feel useless to His cause. But I’ve come to realize that is selfishness in its truest form!! What can I do? Nothing. It’s about what HE can do, and He can do whatever He wants through one person! And I’m more than willing to lay aside my selfish blind Americanized view of things and let Him radically change my way of thinking and living.

It’s easy to think “I can’t wait to go on that mission trip” or go and do whatever for Him… because that somehow seems more spiritual. But how blind are we? Yes the world needs us, but God has placed us in our every day situations for a reason! It’s easy to seem very Christian for a weekend, a week, a month, or even two… but living for Him each moment of every day is what counts.

Oh how my soul yearns to know my Lord and to share Him with anyone who will listen!! If He would but move this heart of mine and lead me in the way everlasting, I can't think of anything else I'd rather do. To have less of me and MORE of Him! It's ridiculous how words won't suffice for the way my inner being is moved by my Lord. How do I convey the depth of my love for Him? How do I proclaim the Good News when words fail to capture the epitome of the word "good"? Only by the grace of God!!

Ah, love love love... love Him more and more with each passing day. I pray for peace, strength, and grace to go where He leads, to love how He loves, and to live a life glorifying to Him above all else!

I don't want to live a day without Him being at the center. I don't want to let my own selfish gain get in the way of what He is calling me to. My desires mean nothing if they aren't aligned with His desires!! I love Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart." My delight is in the Lord, and my heart's cry is to find Him in each moment of each day, to grow closer to Him and know His heart. And I find as I seek His face that my desires seem so trivial in light of all His glory!- I find my desires fade into oblivion... and His take over my soul. Yes, I have my moments of selfish desires... but when that happens my heart breaks and I beg God to remove all selfishness!! He knows me better than myself and knows my desires, and He is the one who placed those in me. Only He is the author and finisher of who I am and how I shall live... only He can satisfy my longings. He knows far better than I!

He knows how weak and fragile my human heart is, so I lay it at His feet each waking morn and pray He would be my strength. Ah, I love my God so much...(:

Friday, December 25, 2009

Facebook Note

This is from a couple months ago and I put it on facebook(: But I forgot about this blog... but I rediscovered it! I may start posting occasionally, who knows? But my note:

First off, I want to say how incredibly blessed and humbled I am when I think about how the God of all creation chose to love me, and loves me continually. It’s unfathomable, incomprehensible, mind-blowing, and something I’ll never understand until I’m ushered into His presence in heaven. What a marvelous thing to trust in, His unfailing perfect love. I honestly cannot imagine life without Christ’s love, and I don’t see how people live life without Him.

I want to know this Creator of love, I want to know about His love, I want to know how to love like Him, I want my life to reflect His love, I want to live a life that is an outpouring of His love, I just want to strive and follow hard after this God for a lifetime… if only to get a glimpse of His magnificence before heaven. Whatever it takes in this life, I want to know Him. How could I not? How could you know of His love and not be moved or not want to live to know Him and make Him known all the days He gives you? Any chance in this life that provides an opportunity for me to draw near to my Saviour, to understand His love better, and to grow in my faith and love in Him, I not only want it but need it as well.

We all crave love, no one can escape that much. The utterly sad truth is, most people try and find love in the wrong places. Our world is obsessed with a twisted version of love that is self-seeking. It’s not only selfish, but no human could ever satisfy the deep longing for love we intrinsically possess. And people look for that fulfillment of that longing in romantic love, not just unbelievers, but believers as well. But how can we do that? How can we sit in awe of a God so perfect and so capable of meeting every need for love… then the next minute we become infatuated with finding “the one” ?

I’m not saying human love, or romantic love is wrong, not at all. Just clarifying.

For me personally, I definitely used to be like that. I loved the Lord but was very preoccupied with a hope for finding love, romance, and that one special guy. I think He puts desires in us but sometimes he tests those to make sure He is still our first desire. Towards the end of my junior year as I realized the deep love I had for him, how only His love satisfied me, His love was all I ever needed, all I ever wanted, and that He was all I wanted to live for... that He alone is what my heart, mind, body and soul longed for, He challenged me and had some fun with me! I still thought I needed earthly love, and sometimes that “need” would start to outweigh my need for Christ. He began to convict my heart and as I was praying one night
and He gently asked me, “Leah, am I enough?” With a passionate cry I prayed yes of course! Then He asked me... “Am I really enough, even if an earthly love never comes into your life, even if marriage is never part of your life... is My love enough?” Silence swept over me. I felt this deep turmoil in me and I prayed and wrestled over that because when I was being honest with myself and God, I wasn’t sure. But in the midst of this struggle in my heart, the obvious answer crashed down on my silly human heart, I realized of course. HIS love is more than I could ask for, more than I could comprehend, and He loves me more than any guy ever could.

So the answer was yes, He was enough no matter what. I’m not saying I still don’t have the desire to fall in love and get married, I definitely still desire that! But the Lord brought me to a point where I grasped that His love is what truly satisfies my deepest desires. And no matter what His plans are for me, I would be more than ok with singleness because He satisfies that deep longing I have to be loved. I'd much rather be single and in love with Him than trying to find love on my own terms and get side tracked from my relationship with Him.

So, when I think about love and attractions all these crazy thoughts have been growing in me since then. Obviously the single most attractive trait a man can possess (to me anyways..) is his being like Christ. I have to believe that love means so much more than just finding that person to grow old with. If the Lord has marriage in my future, it’s going to because that man and I are going to be able to live and accomplish so much more together for the Kingdom and bringing Christ glory than we ever could apart. It’s not just falling in love with a man and finding joy through that, but about putting Christ first above any and everything… especially through marriage because of all the awesome portrayals of love and marriage the Bible has.

But lately I’ve been thinking it could possibly be more. What if all this attraction and falling in love, putting Christ first business, pushes us further into God’s loving arms?-it’s another way to grow in closer intimacy with our Lord?

If a man mirrors Christ every day in his actions and is merely a reflection … he is essentially mirroring Christ’s love. For to be like Christ is to love, because God is love, and God loved us so much He sent His son to die for us… and Christ loved His Father and loved us so much he willingly bled and died for our sins so we could be reconciled to the love we so desperately need. So, living like Christ, means loving like Christ. Since this man loves the Lord and lives for Him, when falling in love and getting to know him and his heart, what is on his heart? His love for everything good and godly from the Father. His heart would be focused on the Lord, his love would be for the lord, his actions would be devoted to furthering Christ kingdom, his joy would be of the Lord, his whole life is being lived out for the sake of making Christ known. So as you(hypothetically speaking) would fall in love with him, you would see Christ’s love and understand God’s love better. We are to be like Christ, and what better way to know Christ than to know one of His followers who is like Him?

I’m trying to say that if the initial attraction starts with being drawn to someone who’s inner man is mirroring Christ and someone else gets a glimpse of that… which grows into something more, you fall in love, etc, all along the way as you learn about this someone, who is like Christ, God uses that someone to draw you ever closer to Him, not further away. And if you’re finding yourself falling away from the Lord because of a relationship it’s probably not a good idea, at all.

I’m not saying you need a relationship to know the love of God better, after all look at Paul!! But maybe if love/marriage wasn’t a selfish need for another person, we could better understand that our longing will ONLY be satisfied in Christ’s love and we could focus on loving fully and freely… not selfishly needing a person. When we find that love in Christ, that love can overflow in every area, not just in romantic relationships. But especially for romantic love, when we love like Christ we find we can’t selfishly need a person because we would want to selflessly love them(like Christ does).

Hopefully all of that makes some sort of sense. I just long for God’s perfect love with every fiber of my being first and foremost. And I can’t imagine dating just to date, or even having a few “serious” relationships trying to find the right one. I’ve found love so amazing, so divine, and that’s all I need. I just want to love the Lord and learn more about Him each and every day for all my days… so I want to wait for one who teaches me about Christ and the love He has for both of us.
Publish Post

Saturday, July 25, 2009

The Men of Austen

The other night I watched both Persuasion (2007 version) and Mansfield Park (1999 version) and it brought me to a point of particular thought:

Which hero do I like best?

Well, there are six novels written by Miss Austen. 1. Pride and Prejudice 2. Sense and Sensibility 3. Northanger Abbey 4. Mansfield Park 5. Persuasion and 6. Emma

Each has a leading man, a leading lady, a villain, and a plethora of extras.

For the heroes we have Mr. Darcy, Edward Ferrars, Colonel Brandon, Henry Tilney, Edmund Bertram, Captain Wentworth, and George Knightley.

I'll assume everyone knows the basic plots of all the books... so I won't elaborate. I really love Mr. Darcy because, after all, he was the first Austen hero I ever saw on screen or read about. But more and more I come to love Captain Wentworth and Edmund. Forget about the others... these are the ones I must embellish on!

Mr. Darcy. He is reserved and a very thoughtful man. He thinks hard on everything, especially his friends, and would do anything for them, whether right or wrong. He studies a person and gets to know them before forming an opinion. He is wise with his money, absolutely loves and dotes on his sister. He cares about her well being and will stop at nothing to protect her (even running off creepy guys who want to use her!). Then of course even when he is turned down... he is still irrevocably in love with Elizabeth and goes out of his way to impress her and win her over. He is a true gentleman through and through... yet he is so perfectly flawed. He is a jerk and pretty arrogant and thinks he can get whoever he wants with his money. The nerve! He's presumptuous and expects a lot. But he is so lovable too...

Captain Wentworth. He is soo dreamy :]. His and Anne's love story is close to my top favorite. It probably ties with Lizzie and Mr. Darcy's. But he is so innocent and full of life in the beginning. All he wants is Anne and to love her and be with her forever. He is utterly devoted to her... then she lets him down. It nearly breaks his heart. Years go by and they meet again and his heart is hardened towards her. She is still hopelessly in love with him and he doesn't even see it. The passion of his bitterness and her hope is so... beautiful. OK. We're talking about HIM not the story haha. Well I love it because he is so embittered toward her and you feel his tension around her (because he's still in love with her, duh!). He tries with all his might to ignore her (and fails I might add). He can't keep her off his mind and he is oblivious to the fact that another girl is in love with him. He doesn't even see that every girl is falling head over heals in love with him (and his captaincy). Well he straightens up his act and realizes he's still madly in love with Anne. When the highly elligible Mr. Elliot tries to woo Anne, Wentworth is furious and filled with jealousy. He tries to talk to her but her annoying family ruins everything. Dismayed with jealousy he almost gives up.-yet he doesn't! So his passion for Anne gives him hope. I love the fact that he lays his heart before her once more... willing to let it be broken forever for just one more shot. Ah so romantic. Well she takes him back, of course. I love the passion of Captain Wentworth.

(OK. I know I said I wouldn't retell the stories... but I can't help it! I just love them so much!)

Edmund Bertram. This love came later. One thing that bothers me is how oblivious he is. he just has no idea Fanny is in love with him! Seriously?! She adores him!!! I love the relationship they have. He is so intelligent and tutors her in the ways of the world (ie politics, history, religion, outdoors stuff, etc). They are both very intellectual and discuss matters of all kinds of importance. He reads, yet loves the outdoors. He is very concerned with family honor and is furious when that crazy lady Mary(?) suggests Tom may die. He is shocked she could be so cruel and wish for the death of his older brother!-so out she goes. He also doesn't care what people think. He wants to go into the clerical minister life even though he could have a more prestigious job. That's what he loves, and that's what he was going to do... no matter what anyone said. I love his character bunches... I just have a hard time getting over how dumb he is about Fanny. It takes him the whole book/movie to get with the program!

In the end I think perhaps in real life I would fall for an Edmund (Intelligent, good conversationalist, loves books, writing, loves God, loves music-especially in church, yet a romantic too.) But I love Mr. Darcy's character as well. He is so well mannered and just what a man ought to be. He is sensible, good natured, sensitive, caring, yet reserved. He doesn't cross the line though he wants to; he refrains. BUT I just adore Captain Wentworth as well. I love his passion and love that is like a fire... all he wants is his Anne back! He has always been a good upstanding gentleman and willing to do the right thing, even if it means sacrificing his own happiness.

It's just too hard to pick! They are my top three for sure. If I met any one of these in the flesh I would most likely fall head over heals in a heartbeat!

I appreciate Jane Austen's creativity and novels SO much. I could talk and discuss this for hours :]

I don't know which lady I like best, which villain I hate most, or even which family I dislike the most! haha!

It is so humorous that the families are always so irritating! They all have their funny little flaws. It's so wonderful. All of the stories are so good.

I feel a Jane Austen movie marathon coming on before college starts!! :]

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Too Much

I try and blog but I end up having too much to say... and I never finish my posts. So I have several drafts needing finishing that I know will never be finished. Well? Oh well. Instead I will write of other things on my heart.

So, what is one my heart? What am I willing to spill to the blogging community? The desires of my heart. At least one. How I feel, what I look forward to.

Love. Don't we all look for it? We search high and low, left and right, yet it always seems to be just out of reach. That's simply because everyone searches in the wrong places. Say what? That's right. Each day I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love... with the most perfect lover of all. He is so selfless and gave up everything because of His love for me. How incredible! To truly know love and be capable of loving... we must fall in love with the Creator of love. He is the very essence of love. Now I'm getting sidetracked. Christ is the most perfect form of love and to love him is to be satisfied.

This is what excites me! Since I'm traversing down a path where I am seeking the Lord with all my heart... I find so little time to worry about finding love and that special guy. Instead I'm filled with unspeakable joy at the future. I see it this way: It's not simply about falling in love and living happily ever after with someone. It's about finding a like minded person who is so in love with Christ... then you fall in love with each other and together you further his kingdom! Because of your love for Christ and the love you two share all that matters is living to glorify the Heavenly Father.

I wish I could explain exactly how I see it in my head. But I really have no idea how. That's the basic gist of it.

Love for Christ, love for another... loving to love Christ and glorify him.

Sigh. It is so much more amazing than I am explaining... but I'll end with that note.

Friday, July 3, 2009

So much to do... so little time!

Tonight, once I'm done with this blog post, I will write thank you cards.

Tomorrow I need to pack for camp, clean the bathroom, clean my room, run by Walmart, go to work, then go to Abby's for 4th of July Celebrations.

Sunday is camp!

Whew. Tomorrow is going to be intense. I cannot oversleep!! I've been doing that quite a bit lately. I'm just not use to the intensity of working two jobs. (AFT and Chick Fil A). I'm so exhausted after work, esp when I work both jobs in one day. Ah yes, why do I have two jobs? College expenses and whatnot. Sigh. I'm so excited about college!

I am officially signed up for IMPACT camp. I am eagerly anticipating this retreat. I decided to go to Impact verses Fish camp for mainly one reason: It's a Christian organization. I want to plug in with other like minded Aggies as soon as I can! I want the fellowship with other believers. I'm going to the first session which is called "alpha" and I have no idea why. BUT!!! Jimmy Needham is going to be our Worship leader!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHH! lskdjlskfh I'm so excited about that! He went to A&M. I love his songs, his heart, his passion for the Lord. It's so good to have a worship leader as dedicated as he is.

But I also am stoked about camp this week. It's with a small church and no one my age is going with our camp... but I'm hoping I'll meet some people there. I can't wait to see how the Lord moves in my heart. The worship is what I'm looking forward to most. I love to sing praises to my Saviour!

Last but not least... I got my haircut. I really like it... but... it's not what I asked for. She messed up. I got shorter bangs (like) but she cut off 2 1/2 inches off my hair. That doesn't seem like a lot but I am trying to grow it out and she cut way too much off (dislike). I wanted ut asymmetrical and uneven on one side (like) and I also wanted it to be angled... BUT she didn't do this!!! (DISLIKE). So she cut off way too much to even try to get it angled... ugh. I'll live. 2 out of 3 ain't bad. But it looks cute and she did a good job, she just didn't do superb. Though I will never ever let anyone but my normal lady cut my hair from now on!!

That's all for now folks!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

We were meant to live...

For SO much more.

I love that song. As the thoughts in my head have been swarming lately, that old song has stuck out.

I am beginning to see how dissatisfied I am with Westernized life. Everything is so cliche, so cookie cutter. It's all the same this little game. Nice house, picket fence, even a two car garage; these are the things to look forward to? We have birthday parties, graduation parties, wedding day fiasco, baby showers, anniversaries of all sorts... etc etc etc. You go to these, you laugh you have fun, you live! You give presents, you give money, you give love, all of which are wonderful things.

But it's so... normal. Predictable. Pardon me for saying so, but this all sounds hollow to some extent. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against any of the above! I just think there should be so much more. What have we done? Why are we so passion-less?

I went to a baby shower Sunday, it was fun and cute and exciting. The lady was one of Dinah's nurses who meant the world to our family. She's a sweet Christian woman and I love her dearly. But all the people there, the mindless chit chat, the endless string of conversations full of words having to do with nothing of importance! Small talk! Ah, I felt so out of place.

Is this it? You go to college, you meet someone, fall in love, get married, have kids, then finally grow old?

When I say "is this it" I don't mean that that sounds bad. It sounds wonderful actually. To have my lover with me to my dying day, to live passionately and fully.

But. There is always a but. There is a longing deep inside me for something more. More? Yes. I know I can't live a cookie cutter life because I'll always be dissatisfied. I'll long for more. It's like everything in my life. I can't settle for any average joe to date because I'll never have my innermost desires fulfilled. I'm waiting for a man so wholly devoted to Jesus Christ that I will be his second love. His passion and love for Christ will be the spark for his love for me etc. If I dated any guy who claimed to be a "Christian" I believe I would miss out on something beautiful, something the Lord has planned for me. This longing to live for more is the same way. I could always be happy with the less, content maybe... but satisfied? I don't believe so.

I long desperately to live only for my Saviour, to glorify Him with my thoughts, heart, words, and actions. I want to be a reflection of Him. I want Him to use me to further His kingdom. I don't want to miss out on what He wants me to do. I'll go where He leads. And for some reason I don't think a cookie cutter life is what He has for me. Why? The desire of my heart doesn't want it. I don't want an "easy" life. Easy meaning predictable. I want Him to test me with fire and I want to come out purified. I want to move. I want to meet people. I want new opportunities to be placed in my life, ones for His purpose!

This fire burning in my soul for my Saviour only makes my day to day life even more urgent. What am I doing? Preparing? For how long? I fall so incredibly short. So short... oh it makes me want to weep. Why? Why is it so hard to live the way He has called me to live? Why does it seem there is no difference? Why is there not some sort of evidence to those around me who see it? I want to be set apart, I want to be different. I don't want to blend, I want to stir up trouble!

I want to dedicate my whole life for His purpose. And before I go off to college, I want to dedicate my whole existence to Him. I don't want to waste the college years "having fun" the way the world sees it. I want to grow ever closer to my Lord and live a life pleasing to Him. I know I may stumble, but I hope to come out stronger and to have passed the tests he places before me.

We were meant to live for so much more! Have we lost ourselves?

I want to live for more. I want to find myself in Christ alone.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


Sometimes I fluctuate between wanting to write about deeply personal stuff, and between not wanting to say too much in case anyone actually reads this.

So for now, I am still undecided.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

One year ago

To me it seems absolutely insane a year could have passed so fast. Honestly 2008 was not great by any means. But I believe it was a very important year none the less.

One year ago I prayed with everything in me for God to finally send a guy into my life to knock me off my feet. Haha God sure has a sense of humor. He sent a guy who knocked me to my knees and turned me towards Him. Literally, one month with one guy who didn't believe in Christ's authority and sovereign power changed me radically. That sent me on a path following my Saviour with everything in me. I've grown so much last year. I don't plan to stop.

One year ago, I made a list of resolutions. Thankfully I didn't keep them all. Funniest one? Finally "make out with a dude." (And why? Just because everyone gave me a hard time because I have never kissed a guy in my life) But I REALLY don't want to anymore. I actually want to save myself completely for one person. Since Christ calls us to a life of purity, I always had a hard time grasping that. I know it's crazy, and possibly lame, but who CARES. It means I don't want to date anyone, nor do I want to play the kissing game. One day, one guy will appreciate that I didn't give my body away freely, even in just a simple kiss. And if no such guy exists, then I shall remain single forever, with Christ's love to fully satisfy me. However I do believe in forgiveness, and that's another topic for another post. The point is, from one year ago I have changed my thinking.

One year ago, I was not the person I am now.

Two roads diverged in a single wood, And I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

I pray fervently I would not lose sight of what is important to me in this life. I hope, though I shall slip, that I would never tire of getting back up and traversing on the course Christ has set for me.

Ephesians 4:1 "As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received."

Psalm 139:25 "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me and know my thoughts: and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way of the everlasting."

I pray this year I would live differently and that from here on out I would continue to change into the person Christ calls me to be.

On a side note today begins the 31 day challenge. I have a bad habit of forgetting to read my Bible some days. I'll forget one day but do it the next. Not good. So one of my goals is to FOR SURE read it every day these 31 days. I want to make a healthy habit of it. Number two is to work out. Can I do it? I will tell you at the end of the 31 days if I did.