Wednesday, March 31, 2010

O For Grace to Trust Him More...

There are times when I wish to write and have my heart's content flow out and through my words. To share and exquisitely articulate just exactly how I feel and what I'm thinking. But this is near impossible, why?-because there is WAY too much going on in my little ol' soul to ever ever write about in one sitting (;

Today the laughter was unceasing, and refreshing. I've been shut away in the dark fold of my room, lying on my bed unmoving. But not horrible! The pain was near unbearable, I don't think I've been that sick in quite a while... my head hurt so badly that I couldn't even read my bible :( But alas! Instead of lying around and sleeping the WHOLE time, I maximized the usage of this wretched sickness. I couldn't read, the searing pain shoot through my head wouldn't allow it, instead I listened to sermons online(: Which I find incredibly... strange... because I have never ever met anyone in my life who listened to sermons for fun on their own time instead of watching movies or tv. What?! haha! Except Erin!!! I LOVED that time over the break when we were wrapping Christmas presents listening to sermons(: Bliss! BUT all this to say, I have been cooped up the last two days and today I was finally around friends ha. And the laughter ensued. Which is very much needed... because of tomorrow. Which would be an incredibly hard blog to write, so I'll leave that for another time.

But I laugh because I felt near tears. I just can barely stand crying. Yet I want to... the release and the torrent of emotion is so heart wrenchingly wonderful! It is good for the soul definitely. Sometimes I'll be pouring my heart out to the Lord and I wonder why there are no tears. Why? Maybe because I'm terrified of outward emotion, or possibly because my tear ducts no longer function properly? Ha Ha!

That and other things have been pressing, I feel like I have to be super human at times. I feel like I can do it all, I won't ever be sad, I won't ever cry, I won't ever be weak! I can handle any and everything, I don't need people and I can do it alone! Self sufficiency might be the words. When human weakness crawls in I get so irritated and I want to throw up my hands and yell, no! I feel invincible about so much. I can wait, I can do it, I I I I.

But I can't. And the Lord loooves to remind me, Leah, what are you thinking?! Everything you attempt withOUT Me is futile. Because HE is my strength. Only by His grace can I ever accomplish anything. And though I have the Holy Spirit's supernatual power dwelling inside me, I still am human. So it's OK to be sad. Yeah, it's ok to weep at loss, at the hurt, the hole, the missing, and the remembering. Because YES I know it's all ok and I know the Lord is sovereign, but emotions are beautiful! I'll see Dinah again in glory, but... I won't see her tomorrow, and that peirces me to the heart. I know she's in a better place, but I still miss her. BUT the beauty of it is I can still have deep resonating joy in the midst of sadness. Because joy isn't dependant on anything temporal or earthly, rather it is entirely dependant on Christ!!!! Which means I can ALWAYS be joyful no matter what! Woo, that is so comforting and peaceful to embrace(: And amid the other things going on, I constantly have to surrender my human weakness to the Lord and say, Thy will be done, because YOU know best.

Psalm 73: 25-28 Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. For, lo, they that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee. But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works.

Oh my goodness, I just love reading Psalms(: Because really, who do I have in heaven but Him?! And He is my first desire on earth, none enrapture my affections the way He does! My heart and flesh constantly fail, but HE is my strength, but not in my flesh, just of my heart(: He satisfies my every longing foreverrr. Life apart from the Lord is no life at all... it never ceases to boggle my mind when I think about those who don't know Him, what do they even live for? It shakes me up when reading the part about people who go whoring about from Him, letting anyone or anything have your attention or satisfy your desires, or even following after carnality... !! But, O, dear friend... how incredibly good it is for me to draw near the Father!! It makes me think of James 4:8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. He desires us to draw near, for He Himself draws near to us! And this whole trust thing, I cannot even describe to you the struggle of laying down all my trust unto Him. Because I am an all or nothing kind of person. I can't do half way, I can't do partial anything... it is ALL in or not at all. So I can't even utter the words "I trust You" if I don't... because I believe it to be a holy fear, a reverence to holiness, an awe to His glory... I don't want to be loose with my prayers, if I pray it I better mean it with all my heart!!!! Maybe I'm just worse off than others because of this... but I would rather struggle for days, weeks, months even, in prayer than just say the words on my lips and in my head than mean them in my heart. He deserves the utmost in me, and if I am not willing to offer Him everything, what am I even doing? And then the beautiful ending of the chapter, that I may declare ALL His works!! Hallelujah!! I just want to praise His name and talk about Him all the time! I simply cannot get my fill when speaking the precious name of Jesus! I literally cannot wait for heaven... to worship Him, praise Him, to be in the midst of perfection in every form... to experience His love, His life, His vibrancy... and to have holy fellowship with my greatest love for FOREVER!!!!!!!! Seriously, how can I NOT declare all His works?! Which I know I fall short and it's hard to share with non believers... but I want to share Him anyways(:

Christ-centered and Christ-exalting conversation is my favorite! And if one is willing to sit and hear me continue on about the Lord, new favorite fellow believer! baha! Jk (:

Ahh(: Life.

But about this "Grace to trust Him more" bizzznesss. Sigh. The mere fact that I am stepping away from Texas A&M is cuh-razy. How easy it would be to go here for four years, get a semi fun semi nice degree, find an aggie, fall in love with an aggie, get married, bleed maroon, have aggie babies and just be maroon til my eyes bleed! But I've never been one for cliche's nor have I ever in my entire life wanted a typical life. I want a Christ-centered one to do whatever He wills!! But really, marrying an aggie isn't against a life policy of mine, just... being here for four years is! Ha! To trust that He has some plan for me is terrifyingly comforting. He has something better planned for me than I could ever comprehend! It's just taking that first step that is always hard. I do trust Him, Oh if you but even knew the brokenness it has taken to get me to this point... how untrusting I used to be, even of my dear Savior! Ridiculous I know. But with so much change, He has brought me so much nearer to Him! Oh that I trust... I trust Him with my life, my love, my future, my self, my everything! I do, Oh that I do. But I wish so fervently for even more grace to trust Him more, because it is so beautiful to trust the one who insured my eternal destiny!!! Yes I trust, but I want to trust Him more! Just like I want to love Him more! Which seems impossible, but if it is at all possible to love more, I want to!

(: Amid life, He is there. Amid confusion, He is constant. Amid the tears, He's my comfort. Amid all, He is my all in all.

Again, words do not give Him justice, nor could words every capture the essence of how my being feels toward Him, and not just feel, but knows, lives, delights, and everything else toward Him!!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Semper Gumby

Semper Gumby- Always Flexible. Thank you Champs camp for that lovely phrase(:

Honestly, I feel like that is my life as of right now. It can go any which way, be molded and shaped for any purpose (any thing pertaining to glorifying the Lord that is!!).

And what is that? It is such a strange thought of not coming back to A&M in the fall. So strange, yet so exciting!

Oh to contemplate, pray, ponder, and seek the Lord's will in everything! Because yes, I have an idea, a hint, a direction, but this is by no means a strict guideline for my life.

And quite frankly, new things are being laid on my heart as each week passes. I wish I could tell all!-but some things are left to be treasured in the heart, in the soul, gently lifted up in prayer before declaring all to the world.

Fall, what will you bring? Spring? Two years from now? Who knows! Only God. And I will seek to give Him all that I am in all that I do.

I cannot even describe to you the state of my heart, nor do I wish to. Why? Because some things are better left unsaid, and a better to be shared with few. All on my heart is an overflow into my life of course!

Even the anguish, the confusion... even these cause a settling and tender and powerful peace to invade my heart. Because as new things arise, there is more to seek the Holy Spirit's guidance on! And what a beautiful thing, to pray. I love to sing, I love to pray, I love to read God's word each and every day!

Just to know my God is enough, but I thank Him for the privilege of even declaring His name, let alone simply let my lips speak His very name! How wonderful! To sing praises to Him, to be allowed to enter into His presence, to be His daughter, to love Him... just to be near Him is an overwhelming blessing I hardly know what to do with!

And I wish, O I wish with all my heart more conversation was centered upon this joy of mine... I love the silliness, I love the laughter, I love the fellowship, I love all that I have in my friends... but one thing that lacks is more of the Lord. I want to talk of Him and what He is doing in their lives, to share this beautiful breathtaking thought! But is it me? Why do we not talk of our dear Saviour more?

Oh for silliness AND soul stirring conversations about the Lord... this is what my heart desires. Give this to me, and I'll sing a song of joyous overflow to share such a blessing! Which some of my dear sisters and I do share, oh how I love them! This is a rather tricky thing with my brothers, but not impossible.

Then my dear best friend Hannah, oh how I love that woman!!!!! She encourages me so much and I love love love our conversations!!(:

And, I absolutely cannot wait for the day to come to spill my heart on the most intimate level with my future husband. Nothing on earth could be better than that! Each moment that passes without him, is a moment I'm storing up all the passion in my heart to share one day... and yet each moment that passes is a moment missed with him.

5 days, 5 months, or 5 years, or even 10 years! I'll wait until that beautiful perfect timing God has(: With a smile on my lips, and song of praise for my dear Redeemer. He is my first love, and the most tender love I will ever have.

Because this life, I have but one... and I cannot live waiting idly. I must wait with purpose,- to live each year, month, week, day, and moment for His kingdom's cause! Because from here on out, that's how I'll live regardless of what this life has in store for me.

Even in conversation. I've found myself receding deep into myself as of late. My heart is absolutely wrenched at the... dishonoring conversations that take place! Silliness I don't mind, but vulgarity, and impurities... oh my heart can hardly stand it! I want to be known as one who has a heart for the Lord, not one who's lips talk of idle and useless things. Not that every word I say is "Christianese" but that every word would be honoring, and pure. Never detrimental. Because yes, I live in this world, so I'll talk of it! But only for the sake of relationships, only for the sake of getting to know people, forming bonds, and to eventually... talk of the Lord(: It is just so hard sometimes... to sit and smile while inside my heart is screaming to speak of my love for my Saviour! Gossip, crude jokes, pointless chatter, meaningless words... O to speak of my passionate love for all things holy... all things pertaining to the Lord.


I just love God more than words would ever describe! Words cannot suffice. And wherever life leads me to... especially these next couple of years, I want to be flexible in ways that God's purpose would always remain as the trajectory of my life. Because what else is there but Him?-and His will? Nothing that concerns me.

Psalm 131 "O Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forevermore." ESV

And I rest. With so much going on in my heart, in my life, and all around... it is all I can do but rest and wait upon the Lord for guidance... even clarity. Humbly I will seek Him... because anything else would be vanity.

Friday, March 12, 2010

No one reads this...

No one really reads this, right? Except for maybe, Hannah (cstat bff), Sarah (down in Louisiana)... and yep that's it.

Perfect(: Because now I would like to vent. Oh and talk about how amazing and wonderful God is!! He is so unfathomably good, it blows my mind!

Because I really am in awe, utter and complete awe of the One who saved my soul, of the One who made me whole. What can I do but praise His name?-to Bring Him glory, honor and fame! I'll sing with all that I am, to worship all that He is(: Loving with only the capabilty He has given, And pointing to Him with all my living! So in love... with my Redeemer, so in love, so dearly in love!

My soul aches, simply aches. I long with deeper longing each day to know Him and catch glimpses of His glory in His creation, His word, in worship, and through prayer. I ache because there is so much I do not know! I ache because there is so much lacking in me. I ache because no matter how much I grow, or how much I learn, it will never be enough!-I'll always want more. My soul thirsts for my God. My heart yearns to know His heart. My spirit cries out and worships His Spirit, to be one, to have oneness. For nothing is like the love of God. Nothing. I ache because until that beautiful day when I am before the Lord, humbled, in His presence, only then will I really have a clue about Him. What a wonderful day indeed! I ache, in the most beautiful and profoundly sweet way for my Lord.

This is from a book I am reading. It leads into the next portion of what is weighing on my heart.

"For there can be no unity, no delight of love, no harmony, no good in being, where there is but one. Two at least are needed for oneness." -Your Life in Christ, George MacDonald.

He is speaking of our oneness with God, and God the Father's oneness with Christ.

It struck me so deeply this thought of oneness. I then realized, more so, of love. How much I do not know, how much I do not realize, understand, or comprehend about this beautiful divine love I share with my Lord.

I then thought of love, in humans, the kind of love that leads to marriage. As much as I long to be married, I've always been ok with the thought of never getting married, if that's what the Lord wills.

But each day, as I'm waiting, I find this work in me... of longing for that love, not for any selfish reason (which being in love and getting married will be quite beautiful!)-but rather because it is such a tender and powerful picture of our love with God. It is only a reflection of our oneness with Him! I want to fall in love and have that one man, to be one with him... to know and grow and understand the deep intimacy I have with Christ. I long for this love, to know love more, to learn about love, to love better and more fully!

I cannot, in any way shape or form, settle. Just like I must love and draw near the Father, the same compelling is in me that I must wait for a godly man. Not a good Christian fellow, not a he's everything but____, no... I must wait for the one God is planning for me. So it terrifies me so to think about dating. I cannot, and it breaks my heart to even think of dating anyone who is not my beloved. I do not want to waste time. I have but one life to lead. I have but one life to pour all that I am out for the glory and purpose of Christ! This man, God willing there is one for me (which each day I fall more in love with Christ, the more I believe there must be a man for me), and I will bring more glory to our Father together than we ever could apart. So why would I ever waste time with another man who isn't my beloved... because obviously we can work fine separately to bring glory to the kingdom. It just confuses me so.

I am terrified of wasted time with another guy. So why am I not more terrified of wasted time now? Of the time I waste napping instead of reaching out to those around me? Why am I not a better steward of the time and opportunities God has placed before me now? There is so much wastedness in my life and it drives me to my knees. I cannot continue in this selfishness! Efficiency is not for the sake of getting more out of my days, but for bringing more glory to my precious Savior!

I am strangely uncomfortable with attractions. They are not evil. But I am tired of them. I feel like this is exactly the reason God has called me to intentional singleness! There are some men, randomly, ever since I came to cstat, that utterly blow my mind and I admire and respect them so much! I see their heart's for the Lord, their actions, their words, their love for people and above all God. I don't want to date any of them, but I do want to watch and observe. I feel like I'm in this other world, this school of godly men... and God is showing me glimpses of men He delights in. I see these men and I am worn down to tears, it is the most beautiful thing to behold, men of God. But then the hard thing is, I'm not "attracted" to all of them, just some. Some are attractive, to be sure, but I'm not attracted. And this is what gets me. Why? Why some and not the others. And let me tell you, it is very very few and far between that I am actually attractED. Less than I can count on one hand.

It is a blessing! So beautiful to see men who live for the Lord. And I know God is calling me to guard my heart ever more because I see all these qualities, traits, and characteristics of godly men. It is not my time yet, I don't think haha. It's not that I don't feel "ready" or that I can "handle" it... I just don't want to simpyl be ready to handle it... I want to be so lost in love with my God that all my love with be an overflow and joyous thing.. that trials won't be "handled" but rather will be something heartwrenchingly beautiful that we can work together in stride and in focus of Christ and bring more glory to the One above! So yeah, I could settle and find a good one now, but I want what the Lord wants for me... even if it means waiting longer and missing out on all the flirtations and dating everyone else seems to be doing.

In the end, every part of my life, I want more and more and more and infinitely MORE of my God. Because what else is there? What purpose would remain? To worship and glorify Him. What else could I possibly long for.. except that through everything here on this earth I would draw near Him!-so I'll wait for that man who will push me to be more like Christ... who will draw me into his love and point me towards God's love. But no just that, but in everything!! I just am so excited for life, and this life, and all the crazy stuff God is doing in my heart! Sometimes I just need to rest and soak it all in.. to be still and know He is God. To KNOW He is. (: