Honestly, I feel like that is my life as of right now. It can go any which way, be molded and shaped for any purpose (any thing pertaining to glorifying the Lord that is!!).
And what is that? It is such a strange thought of not coming back to A&M in the fall. So strange, yet so exciting!
Oh to contemplate, pray, ponder, and seek the Lord's will in everything! Because yes, I have an idea, a hint, a direction, but this is by no means a strict guideline for my life.
And quite frankly, new things are being laid on my heart as each week passes. I wish I could tell all!-but some things are left to be treasured in the heart, in the soul, gently lifted up in prayer before declaring all to the world.
Fall, what will you bring? Spring? Two years from now? Who knows! Only God. And I will seek to give Him all that I am in all that I do.
I cannot even describe to you the state of my heart, nor do I wish to. Why? Because some things are better left unsaid, and a better to be shared with few. All on my heart is an overflow into my life of course!
Even the anguish, the confusion... even these cause a settling and tender and powerful peace to invade my heart. Because as new things arise, there is more to seek the Holy Spirit's guidance on! And what a beautiful thing, to pray. I love to sing, I love to pray, I love to read God's word each and every day!
Just to know my God is enough, but I thank Him for the privilege of even declaring His name, let alone simply let my lips speak His very name! How wonderful! To sing praises to Him, to be allowed to enter into His presence, to be His daughter, to love Him... just to be near Him is an overwhelming blessing I hardly know what to do with!
And I wish, O I wish with all my heart more conversation was centered upon this joy of mine... I love the silliness, I love the laughter, I love the fellowship, I love all that I have in my friends... but one thing that lacks is more of the Lord. I want to talk of Him and what He is doing in their lives, to share this beautiful breathtaking thought! But is it me? Why do we not talk of our dear Saviour more?
Oh for silliness AND soul stirring conversations about the Lord... this is what my heart desires. Give this to me, and I'll sing a song of joyous overflow to share such a blessing! Which some of my dear sisters and I do share, oh how I love them! This is a rather tricky thing with my brothers, but not impossible.
Then my dear best friend Hannah, oh how I love that woman!!!!! She encourages me so much and I love love love our conversations!!(:
And, I absolutely cannot wait for the day to come to spill my heart on the most intimate level with my future husband. Nothing on earth could be better than that! Each moment that passes without him, is a moment I'm storing up all the passion in my heart to share one day... and yet each moment that passes is a moment missed with him.
5 days, 5 months, or 5 years, or even 10 years! I'll wait until that beautiful perfect timing God has(: With a smile on my lips, and song of praise for my dear Redeemer. He is my first love, and the most tender love I will ever have.
Because this life, I have but one... and I cannot live waiting idly. I must wait with purpose,- to live each year, month, week, day, and moment for His kingdom's cause! Because from here on out, that's how I'll live regardless of what this life has in store for me.
Even in conversation. I've found myself receding deep into myself as of late. My heart is absolutely wrenched at the... dishonoring conversations that take place! Silliness I don't mind, but vulgarity, and impurities... oh my heart can hardly stand it! I want to be known as one who has a heart for the Lord, not one who's lips talk of idle and useless things. Not that every word I say is "Christianese" but that every word would be honoring, and pure. Never detrimental. Because yes, I live in this world, so I'll talk of it! But only for the sake of relationships, only for the sake of getting to know people, forming bonds, and to eventually... talk of the Lord(: It is just so hard sometimes... to sit and smile while inside my heart is screaming to speak of my love for my Saviour! Gossip, crude jokes, pointless chatter, meaningless words... O to speak of my passionate love for all things holy... all things pertaining to the Lord.
I just love God more than words would ever describe! Words cannot suffice. And wherever life leads me to... especially these next couple of years, I want to be flexible in ways that God's purpose would always remain as the trajectory of my life. Because what else is there but Him?-and His will? Nothing that concerns me.
Psalm 131 "O Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forevermore." ESV
And I rest. With so much going on in my heart, in my life, and all around... it is all I can do but rest and wait upon the Lord for guidance... even clarity. Humbly I will seek Him... because anything else would be vanity.