Friday, March 12, 2010

No one reads this...

No one really reads this, right? Except for maybe, Hannah (cstat bff), Sarah (down in Louisiana)... and yep that's it.

Perfect(: Because now I would like to vent. Oh and talk about how amazing and wonderful God is!! He is so unfathomably good, it blows my mind!

Because I really am in awe, utter and complete awe of the One who saved my soul, of the One who made me whole. What can I do but praise His name?-to Bring Him glory, honor and fame! I'll sing with all that I am, to worship all that He is(: Loving with only the capabilty He has given, And pointing to Him with all my living! So in love... with my Redeemer, so in love, so dearly in love!

My soul aches, simply aches. I long with deeper longing each day to know Him and catch glimpses of His glory in His creation, His word, in worship, and through prayer. I ache because there is so much I do not know! I ache because there is so much lacking in me. I ache because no matter how much I grow, or how much I learn, it will never be enough!-I'll always want more. My soul thirsts for my God. My heart yearns to know His heart. My spirit cries out and worships His Spirit, to be one, to have oneness. For nothing is like the love of God. Nothing. I ache because until that beautiful day when I am before the Lord, humbled, in His presence, only then will I really have a clue about Him. What a wonderful day indeed! I ache, in the most beautiful and profoundly sweet way for my Lord.

This is from a book I am reading. It leads into the next portion of what is weighing on my heart.

"For there can be no unity, no delight of love, no harmony, no good in being, where there is but one. Two at least are needed for oneness." -Your Life in Christ, George MacDonald.

He is speaking of our oneness with God, and God the Father's oneness with Christ.

It struck me so deeply this thought of oneness. I then realized, more so, of love. How much I do not know, how much I do not realize, understand, or comprehend about this beautiful divine love I share with my Lord.

I then thought of love, in humans, the kind of love that leads to marriage. As much as I long to be married, I've always been ok with the thought of never getting married, if that's what the Lord wills.

But each day, as I'm waiting, I find this work in me... of longing for that love, not for any selfish reason (which being in love and getting married will be quite beautiful!)-but rather because it is such a tender and powerful picture of our love with God. It is only a reflection of our oneness with Him! I want to fall in love and have that one man, to be one with him... to know and grow and understand the deep intimacy I have with Christ. I long for this love, to know love more, to learn about love, to love better and more fully!

I cannot, in any way shape or form, settle. Just like I must love and draw near the Father, the same compelling is in me that I must wait for a godly man. Not a good Christian fellow, not a he's everything but____, no... I must wait for the one God is planning for me. So it terrifies me so to think about dating. I cannot, and it breaks my heart to even think of dating anyone who is not my beloved. I do not want to waste time. I have but one life to lead. I have but one life to pour all that I am out for the glory and purpose of Christ! This man, God willing there is one for me (which each day I fall more in love with Christ, the more I believe there must be a man for me), and I will bring more glory to our Father together than we ever could apart. So why would I ever waste time with another man who isn't my beloved... because obviously we can work fine separately to bring glory to the kingdom. It just confuses me so.

I am terrified of wasted time with another guy. So why am I not more terrified of wasted time now? Of the time I waste napping instead of reaching out to those around me? Why am I not a better steward of the time and opportunities God has placed before me now? There is so much wastedness in my life and it drives me to my knees. I cannot continue in this selfishness! Efficiency is not for the sake of getting more out of my days, but for bringing more glory to my precious Savior!

I am strangely uncomfortable with attractions. They are not evil. But I am tired of them. I feel like this is exactly the reason God has called me to intentional singleness! There are some men, randomly, ever since I came to cstat, that utterly blow my mind and I admire and respect them so much! I see their heart's for the Lord, their actions, their words, their love for people and above all God. I don't want to date any of them, but I do want to watch and observe. I feel like I'm in this other world, this school of godly men... and God is showing me glimpses of men He delights in. I see these men and I am worn down to tears, it is the most beautiful thing to behold, men of God. But then the hard thing is, I'm not "attracted" to all of them, just some. Some are attractive, to be sure, but I'm not attracted. And this is what gets me. Why? Why some and not the others. And let me tell you, it is very very few and far between that I am actually attractED. Less than I can count on one hand.

It is a blessing! So beautiful to see men who live for the Lord. And I know God is calling me to guard my heart ever more because I see all these qualities, traits, and characteristics of godly men. It is not my time yet, I don't think haha. It's not that I don't feel "ready" or that I can "handle" it... I just don't want to simpyl be ready to handle it... I want to be so lost in love with my God that all my love with be an overflow and joyous thing.. that trials won't be "handled" but rather will be something heartwrenchingly beautiful that we can work together in stride and in focus of Christ and bring more glory to the One above! So yeah, I could settle and find a good one now, but I want what the Lord wants for me... even if it means waiting longer and missing out on all the flirtations and dating everyone else seems to be doing.

In the end, every part of my life, I want more and more and more and infinitely MORE of my God. Because what else is there? What purpose would remain? To worship and glorify Him. What else could I possibly long for.. except that through everything here on this earth I would draw near Him!-so I'll wait for that man who will push me to be more like Christ... who will draw me into his love and point me towards God's love. But no just that, but in everything!! I just am so excited for life, and this life, and all the crazy stuff God is doing in my heart! Sometimes I just need to rest and soak it all in.. to be still and know He is God. To KNOW He is. (:

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