There are times when I wish to write and have my heart's content flow out and through my words. To share and exquisitely articulate just exactly how I feel and what I'm thinking. But this is near impossible, why?-because there is WAY too much going on in my little ol' soul to ever ever write about in one sitting (;
Today the laughter was unceasing, and refreshing. I've been shut away in the dark fold of my room, lying on my bed unmoving. But not horrible! The pain was near unbearable, I don't think I've been that sick in quite a while... my head hurt so badly that I couldn't even read my bible :( But alas! Instead of lying around and sleeping the WHOLE time, I maximized the usage of this wretched sickness. I couldn't read, the searing pain shoot through my head wouldn't allow it, instead I listened to sermons online(: Which I find incredibly... strange... because I have never ever met anyone in my life who listened to sermons for fun on their own time instead of watching movies or tv. What?! haha! Except Erin!!! I LOVED that time over the break when we were wrapping Christmas presents listening to sermons(: Bliss! BUT all this to say, I have been cooped up the last two days and today I was finally around friends ha. And the laughter ensued. Which is very much needed... because of tomorrow. Which would be an incredibly hard blog to write, so I'll leave that for another time.
But I laugh because I felt near tears. I just can barely stand crying. Yet I want to... the release and the torrent of emotion is so heart wrenchingly wonderful! It is good for the soul definitely. Sometimes I'll be pouring my heart out to the Lord and I wonder why there are no tears. Why? Maybe because I'm terrified of outward emotion, or possibly because my tear ducts no longer function properly? Ha Ha!
That and other things have been pressing, I feel like I have to be super human at times. I feel like I can do it all, I won't ever be sad, I won't ever cry, I won't ever be weak! I can handle any and everything, I don't need people and I can do it alone! Self sufficiency might be the words. When human weakness crawls in I get so irritated and I want to throw up my hands and yell, no! I feel invincible about so much. I can wait, I can do it, I I I I.
But I can't. And the Lord loooves to remind me, Leah, what are you thinking?! Everything you attempt withOUT Me is futile. Because HE is my strength. Only by His grace can I ever accomplish anything. And though I have the Holy Spirit's supernatual power dwelling inside me, I still am human. So it's OK to be sad. Yeah, it's ok to weep at loss, at the hurt, the hole, the missing, and the remembering. Because YES I know it's all ok and I know the Lord is sovereign, but emotions are beautiful! I'll see Dinah again in glory, but... I won't see her tomorrow, and that peirces me to the heart. I know she's in a better place, but I still miss her. BUT the beauty of it is I can still have deep resonating joy in the midst of sadness. Because joy isn't dependant on anything temporal or earthly, rather it is entirely dependant on Christ!!!! Which means I can ALWAYS be joyful no matter what! Woo, that is so comforting and peaceful to embrace(: And amid the other things going on, I constantly have to surrender my human weakness to the Lord and say, Thy will be done, because YOU know best.
Psalm 73: 25-28 Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. For, lo, they that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee. But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works.
Oh my goodness, I just love reading Psalms(: Because really, who do I have in heaven but Him?! And He is my first desire on earth, none enrapture my affections the way He does! My heart and flesh constantly fail, but HE is my strength, but not in my flesh, just of my heart(: He satisfies my every longing foreverrr. Life apart from the Lord is no life at all... it never ceases to boggle my mind when I think about those who don't know Him, what do they even live for? It shakes me up when reading the part about people who go whoring about from Him, letting anyone or anything have your attention or satisfy your desires, or even following after carnality... !! But, O, dear friend... how incredibly good it is for me to draw near the Father!! It makes me think of James 4:8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. He desires us to draw near, for He Himself draws near to us! And this whole trust thing, I cannot even describe to you the struggle of laying down all my trust unto Him. Because I am an all or nothing kind of person. I can't do half way, I can't do partial anything... it is ALL in or not at all. So I can't even utter the words "I trust You" if I don't... because I believe it to be a holy fear, a reverence to holiness, an awe to His glory... I don't want to be loose with my prayers, if I pray it I better mean it with all my heart!!!! Maybe I'm just worse off than others because of this... but I would rather struggle for days, weeks, months even, in prayer than just say the words on my lips and in my head than mean them in my heart. He deserves the utmost in me, and if I am not willing to offer Him everything, what am I even doing? And then the beautiful ending of the chapter, that I may declare ALL His works!! Hallelujah!! I just want to praise His name and talk about Him all the time! I simply cannot get my fill when speaking the precious name of Jesus! I literally cannot wait for heaven... to worship Him, praise Him, to be in the midst of perfection in every form... to experience His love, His life, His vibrancy... and to have holy fellowship with my greatest love for FOREVER!!!!!!!! Seriously, how can I NOT declare all His works?! Which I know I fall short and it's hard to share with non believers... but I want to share Him anyways(:
Christ-centered and Christ-exalting conversation is my favorite! And if one is willing to sit and hear me continue on about the Lord, new favorite fellow believer! baha! Jk (:
But about this "Grace to trust Him more" bizzznesss. Sigh. The mere fact that I am stepping away from Texas A&M is cuh-razy. How easy it would be to go here for four years, get a semi fun semi nice degree, find an aggie, fall in love with an aggie, get married, bleed maroon, have aggie babies and just be maroon til my eyes bleed! But I've never been one for cliche's nor have I ever in my entire life wanted a typical life. I want a Christ-centered one to do whatever He wills!! But really, marrying an aggie isn't against a life policy of mine, just... being here for four years is! Ha! To trust that He has some plan for me is terrifyingly comforting. He has something better planned for me than I could ever comprehend! It's just taking that first step that is always hard. I do trust Him, Oh if you but even knew the brokenness it has taken to get me to this point... how untrusting I used to be, even of my dear Savior! Ridiculous I know. But with so much change, He has brought me so much nearer to Him! Oh that I trust... I trust Him with my life, my love, my future, my self, my everything! I do, Oh that I do. But I wish so fervently for even more grace to trust Him more, because it is so beautiful to trust the one who insured my eternal destiny!!! Yes I trust, but I want to trust Him more! Just like I want to love Him more! Which seems impossible, but if it is at all possible to love more, I want to!
(: Amid life, He is there. Amid confusion, He is constant. Amid the tears, He's my comfort. Amid all, He is my all in all.
Again, words do not give Him justice, nor could words every capture the essence of how my being feels toward Him, and not just feel, but knows, lives, delights, and everything else toward Him!!