Sunday, November 27, 2011

My Beloved

It has been years of waiting, years of prayer, years of often tearfully thinking that the desires of my heart were too much... after so long of pressing into the Lord, seeking my dear Father in heaven, and being drawn closer unto Him, that He has granted the deepest desire of my heart: an earthly love, a husband to be. (:

I never could have known or imagined the silent workings of the Sovereign Almighty, or how things were unfolding. I had no idea how He would intertwine our lives and paths! But it is better than I could have known to hope for. The deep and unflinching love I have for Samuel, the steadfast love I have come to know in him, and the love he has for the Lord is the love I have known I would need. God is so kind and gracious to His children!

I could write open ended about how much I care about my dearly loved man, but I will share a few details about his proposal. (:

It was Thanksgiving of 2011 on an increasingly cool November day in Texas at his parents house. It was a day full of life, laughter, joy and surrounded with brothers and sisters in the Lord and together we gave thanks unto the Lord through out the day. It was full of delicious food, singing songs of praise to our beloved heavenly Father, a mountainous fire to stand and warm ourselves around in the back yard, continually giving thanks to the Lord, more sweets than you could ever hope to eat, games, fellowship with wonderful friends (and family to be!), and best of all... spending it with Samuel.

Samuel and I were purposefully not "coupling off" so that we would enjoy all the fellowship and friends we were surrounded with; this was an attempt to be less selfish and wanting to spend our time with each other... to ever deepen the friendship and forge forward with courtship.

Everyone was playing Taboo (a word game) and he asked if I wanted to go to a different room and talk with him... and at first I said no we're playing the game so we ought to spend time with everyone on Thanksgiving. But he did not relent! A few minutes later he pressed again this time noting even his father had stepped out of the room and we could slip out as well. I contemplated for a moment and soon realized... every moment with Samuel is so enjoyable that as much as I wanted to be in the midst of the laughter and sweet fellowship before me... I wanted to talk to him. (: So we ventured off into the kitchen and spoke with a couple of the men for a few minutes. Samuel's sister stepped in and started teasing us about leaving the game together. (:

He asked if I wanted to go out on the deck to spend some time alone... and I asked if we could just sit at the table since it was better lighting (I like to look at my handsome husband to be when were talking!:) So off we ventured to some quiet time to spend together. Samuel began to talk very seriously and I soaked in every word. The comments and discussion were increasingly about life together amid a myriad of other things concerning marriage... and us. He told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his days with ME. Me! Samuel Rutherford Allison began to say so many sweet, tender, loving, caring, and personal things that he had held back during our courtship... slowly his words poured from his lips and began to invade my being.

In the back of my mind I wasn't sure if he would propose... but I thought it might and hoped it would. As I am absorbing his every word (it was so surreal... he has been so diligent in guarding and protecting his words, my heart, his heart, and being so thoughtful, honoring, and full of integrity as we courted... I almost couldn't believe the day had finally come where he was saying all of these things to me... not as potential and what is biblical... but tailored and perfectly fit to me) he finally said it, he told me for the first time, "I love you"! As I looked deep into his brown eyes he moved from sitting across from me to bending down on one knee, pulled out a small gray box from his pocket and asked, Leah, will you marry me? Those words I have longed to hear from one man for so long, the words that seemed so far away for so many years, those words were addressed to me! The only thing I thought to say, was compelled to say, and DID say was: yes!!! No other word could come out. I had no eloquent or wonderfully loving speech to say to him... I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with no one but Samuel!-so yes was all I could imagine saying. He then slips the most perfect ring on my finger. I sit staring at it, then looking at him, looking at it... smiling all the while... then it hits me: I want to hug him! So I asked if I could hug him now, to which he is wholly open to.

For the first time I felt the warmth of his steady and strong embrace. Having never hugged this very dear and honorable man before, the cold air seemingly ceased to exist and all that mattered was that I finally was held by the man who loved me, the man I loved, and this was a moment I have prayed and waited for for so many years. All of the waiting was worth that moment.

We sit back down and drink in the intoxicating reality before us: engaged!-or betrothed is the more biblical description. I then look at my ring and am absolutely stunned at how perfect it is. We began to discuss it... for I breathlessly proclaim how perfect it was. (I will explain in a moment). He asked if I wanted another hug and I said yes... but then felt self-conscious because a few little ones were filtering in and out of the house by that point. After being so overcome with the desire to tell him I love him... I said yes I wanted another hug! So in the protection of his arms I lifted my head and whispered that I loved him. I wanted to be in his arms when I told him I loved him for the first time!

Now, about this ring. (: This is a testament to the Lord's goodness and lovingkindness He shows to His children. He is so good that he doesn't even overlook the smallest of desires that are placed within us. As you will see from the picture attached, the diamond is set with blue sapphires and then white sapphires on the outside. It is shared (for the first time) that for years the only thing I ever thought about/wanted on my ring was color. I never decided what stone or what color... but I didn't want diamonds set with diamonds it seemed to plain to me. I had never told him this. He then shares that he has known for years that he knew that the ring he wanted to give to his future wife would be a ring with more than diamonds... to have color in it! I kid you not! He custom designed the ring himself. (: It is so humbling that even the smallest detail was taken into account by our Lord and He kindly granted me the desires of my heart, by matching it with a man who's desire fits perfectly with mine.

I am so overwhelmed by the love and grace of my beloved Lord and Savior. I am so aware of my lack, so aware of how undeserving I am of his tender mercies toward me... but I am so grateful He chose me and knew me before the foundations of the world to redeem me! He has been so faithful. He has blessed me more than I can ever express. I am so amazed at the man Samuel is and how much He loves the Lord... and how he is an answer to so many of my prayers, that he is what I have hoped and desired the man I would marry would be. He is incredible. He is my beloved. He is my husband to be (:

Psalm 37: 4-7 Trust in the LORD, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday. Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


How do I express the inner workings of my heart? I wrote out a prayer on September 12th that I think is still very fitting. I have struggled for days about whether or not I wanted to share it... but in a moment of transparency while my heart is shattered all over again... I have decided I will. As the Lord pieces my broken heart back together, in Him I rest and cling to.


I am at Your mercy… I cast myself before Your feet; apart from you I am nothing more than a mess of emotions: aching, aching… aching. I do not wish to be driven mad by my feelings, but nor do I wish to become calloused and cold. Hold me in Your strong embrace, for You are the rock of my salvation. I can do nothing, I can will nothing, I can endeavor no cause of my own… I am entirely in Your providential hands, in Your sovereignty I rest. When those dearest to me wear me down to tears, may I run to You in every moment of my failings; let my conduct reflect You, not the deep wounds I receive. Teach me how to be self-controlled that I may not be tossed to and fro by the winds of men. Teach me of Your love, mercy, and grace that I might turn around and tenderly esteem others better than myself, no matter what their regard is toward me. My heart is failing as well as my flesh… to bear it I cannot imagine, but You are my strength, so bear it I shall. Let not self rule me, but let Your love be the rule I abide in. Let not my own opinions and one-sided sight blind me from the truth, rather let the truth unfold as You see fit- should my heart break, let it break plainly in Your sight, for I know You can piece it back together… to lose it would certainly be more than I can bear. Break me, if You must, but make me whole once again. My desires are naught, my hopes are insignificant, my own happiness is of no consequence, but only that You, my beloved Lord and Savior, be glorified in me. Should I suffer the pain of a separation I do not wish, comfort me as I move forward. Should my innocent hope for the ideal be unattainable, fill me with Your hope that I might not despair. I am Yours, use me as You see fit.


Psalm 66:16-20 "Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath done for my soul. I cried unto him with my mouth, and he was extolled with my tongue. If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me: But verily God hath heard me; he hath attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, which hath not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me."