I must write, or burst! There is much on this heart of mine, much I'm wondering about, much I'm seeking the Lord's will on. Because to be quite frank, I don't know what in the world I'm doing here!
It's a walk of faith, this road I'm on. I always thought I'd know, I always thought it would one big parade of living where the things I'd hope for would fall in line... the band would play and the trumpets would resound! Yay and everything was the way it ought to be, what I thought it should be!-but no! Oh thank the Lord no, it is not anywhere near what I planned!
I never would have imagined being where I am now. I never could have foreseen the chain of events that led me to where I am now, who I am now. But it's so much better than I could have imagined! So much sweeter, so much richer, so much more profitable to my soul!!
The most beautiful thing of all is how the intimacy that has deepened between Christ and I is so utterly satisfying, so perfect, so wonderful! And that alone is worth more to me than all the riches that have ever existed. To know Him, and to make Him known... it is the sweetest of all callings. Nothing in me outweighs the desire I have for Christ.
But even then I do have my earthly longings, but my love for my Lord is so great all I can do is pray, All my longings before You Lord! Yes, even though my desires are not sinful, if they creep to the center of my heart, it can become something grossly wicked! So I pray and leave all that I am at the feet of Jesus and allow Him to work in my life! These desires, ones cultivated by the hand of God, beckon softly, and they stand patiently in line with my love for my Prince of Peace.
It's a narrow road, a hard road, sometimes lonely, but never without joy, peace, and love beyond compare! Sometimes it seems my eyes are so limited I see but the moments I'm in, the moments ahead are nothing more than a fog to my silly human heart. In good time the Lord will reveal more to me. Until then I marvel at His glory! I trust.
But amid the trust, there is wondering. What my Lord? I don't question His divine plan in a doubting way, I ask where to next? What would you have me do? Where would you have me go? Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and will find me. When you seek me will all your heart..." This truth is hidden deep in my heart. I believe it whole-heartedly and nothing could convince me otherwise. With all my heart I do seek His face, with all I am I search for Him, with deepest love I long for Him. He has a future for me, I'm just not sure beyond the semester what that is. Where would He have me go?
Biggest on my heart though: What of A&M? I never understood why I was there... there is nothing academically for me there. Human resources, really? I don't want to be stuck in a job where I do things I don't care about. I want to live out my days with an all consuming passion for my Lord and things He's put on my heart! One being His holy word, and the other music!! Why in the world am I here in cstat? Was it Him testing my heart and obedience? I've grown so much closer to Him and learned so much!! But for 4 years to graduate with a degree I hardly care for? Hm. Amber, Ashley, and Erin all tell me of their Old testament classes... chapel they attend... and my heart is turned! I'm so wildly excited for them! But... I'm so jealous! I want to go to school and learn about Christ. I'm not a huge fan of going to classes and lectures about pointless views of our world through the eyes of some liberal prof who couldn't care less about Christ! Half the semester I've quietly pondered these things in my heart. Lord, what am I to do? Where am I supposed to be? I wish I knew.
All these desires... all for His glory! That is all I want. I want Him to be glorified above all. I can't say enough how I truly want less and less of me so that He can come and fill the gaps, so that there can be more of HIM!
To Him be the honor and praise through this life.