Monday, November 17, 2008


I feel as if I am light years behind everyone else when it comes to college. I have not started any applications and that stresses me out! Tomorrow I plan to buckle down and start.

I feel so lost because everyone else in my family just knew they were going to A&M after my oldest sister Rebekah started the tradition. My mom is the most encouraging, she simply tells me to follow where God is leading me. I love her for that. She doesn't say, "Follow your heart!", no she is much wiser than that. But all of my older sisters constantly slide in comments about A&M and how it's the best. Hannah constantly tells me to go to school with her. It's really hard because I would love to go there and be with them, but I really am not at all sure if that's where God wants me yet. I'm looking at Ouachita Baptist, but I mean who the devil goes there?! All I know is that I can apply look into scholarships, grants, and loans. When that is all said and done I wait to see if I'm even accepted, during that waiting period I pray.

It feels like everyone around me has it together. This person was accepted, that person was, this person has a full ride scholarship, that person has had schools contact them to play sports, and that person of there has multiple scholarships. What is this madness! It's only November! But apparently if you're smart and on the academic road to success you will have completed everything before October and be accepted in November. I don't want to be on any road to success, all I want to be on is God's road. I want so desperately to be in his perfect will. I don't want to be selfish and go where I want to go, I want to be where he wants me.

I got the idea that it is extremely important to pick the right college because that is where I will obviously find my husband. But it's been a dream of mine since I was young to find my future husband in highschool. When I saw senior year approaching (this is during the summer) I freaked out and decided maybe it all depends on college! But I took a deep breath. Who am I kidding? God has it all under control. All that I need to worry about is myself. I want to live the set apart life he has called me to live, and one day, if it is in his planning, a Godly man will pursue me. So with that knocked off, college seemed less vital. ;].

I get so stressed about college. I hate taking the first step with anything. I am secretly terrified. I want to go forward and love the impending change, but I have such a hard time stepping alone. I want someone there with me. So my Junior year (last semester) when my mom told me to go sign up for a class at the community college I said ok. But then she told me to drive down there and sign up. By myself? I asked. Impossible. I had no idea what to do or who to talk to. She just said go so I finally did. Ever since then I just sign myself up. But I make excuses and try and avoid anything new and difficult. I just am better with someone at my side, just for moral support. I signed up for all my classes at the college today, and I know what I want to do for minimesters and summer courses. I got it down ;].

In a nutshell, I'm stressed about college and feel like I have no talents, no future, and no course to go on. I have no idea what I want to major in nor do I know what I want to do after college.

But I know it'll be ok in the end. As long as I trust Christ and take the first steps and seek him through it all, I'll be ok. I may not have a great career plan in place, nor make lot's of money, but I really don't care. I don't need material pleasures. I just want to be in His will.

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