Sunday, February 14, 2010

"The man who gazes upon and contemplates day by day the face of the Lord Jesus Christ, and who has caught the glow of the reality that the Lord is not a theory but an indwelling power and force in his life, is as a mirror reflecting the glory of God." -Alan Redpath

I am humbled and so incredibly grateful for the love and goodness of Christ! It astounds me in the most intense ways the depth of His love for me, and the fact that He has drawn me ever closer to Him! He IS an indwelling power and force in my life, in ways I never ever thought would be possible the early years of highschool. He has transformed me in ways that it blows my mind!

And yet?-This is nothing. This is but an infinitesimal glimpse of what's to come. If I am but willing, and oh... oh my, the depth of my willingness is there... I WANT Him and cannot get enough of Him! I am constantly amazed at this journey of His heart and mine drawing near in intimacy. The beauty of who He is and what He does creates a stir in my heart, mind, and soul like nothing else can or ever will. And yet?-this is but the beginning. Each day I wake up and it's a new day to live for Him, love like Him, reach others and have the ministry of reconciling others to Him!

But how can I reconcile them unless I am gazing and contemplating who He is? How can I share Him unless He is a reality in my life?

So I cry out to Him- Father move me, move through me, apart from You I am nothing, but in You I am so much more than I could ever hope to be! I want to know Him and I want others to know Him. And not just have a head knowledge, or have some faith and goodness where life's a little more positive, no! No no no, I want everyone to have the deepest close knit relationship with God, to be reconciled to His love, to be absolutely devoted and sold out to Him!

But, there are moment in which I see myself, who am I in Christ? Who do people see when they see me? It's not like opinions matter, I could care less if my personality, or face, or whatever someone doesn't like... but who do people see me as IN Christ? This I wonder. I wake up and absolutely love reading His word and spending time with Him... yet I know there is SO much for me to learn! I love learning about Him. It is such a sweet and tender thing, yet such an awe-inspiring powerful and mighty thing-Him and His word.

Yet I struggle. Not about what people see me as, because I can't control that. I can only imitate Christ and leave it like that. But I long so passionately to KNOW His word, to know His truth, to know about Him! I know lot's of bible stories and I know lot's about the word, after all I grew up in a Christian home. Yet I have such a hunger for His word... that I look at it all with new eyes, with a heart that yearns for Him... and I realize there is SO so so much I do not know! And I want to know it!

Yet sometimes I'm terrified of people seeing me and thinking I don't know a lot. So I want to build up this safe bubble of thought where people just know I know lot's from the word. But I don't know everything. I want to learn, people can teach me. So it's one of those listening and being humble and realizing... hey they may know better than me! Especially in church, I've heard thousands of sermons preached on a lot of the same topics... but as I listen I want to hear God speak through them, to learn new and beautiful truths EACH time. I used to be self conscience about writing notes during "cliche" sermons where christians think they know that message and don't need it... but we do! And I could care less, so what if they think I'm a baby christian who is so in awe of each and every word spoken! I AM in awe of hearing the truth spoken! I get so excited hearing about God, talking about God, and anything about God! There is a passion in my heart and I can't help but soak up every little word of truth spoken about my beautiful Lord!

I want to know Him. I don't know everything, no one does! So the self side says, yeah I know a lot about God... and the spirit in me being led by the Holy Spirit says I can never ever know enough about Him!

So I tell the self man in me to shut up! You've got no authority in my life(: Christ does! I'll sing praises to my God and worship in in song and with my life... with my words and with my actions. And even more, I want to know the truth so I can share the truth. I want to know more, because my heart longs for Him more.

Because yeah, in highschool I wanted to make sure no one saw the struggling christian in me, because everyone held me up on a high pedestal and regarded me as the good christian. But I am not good! God is good, He is all the good that is inside of me! And now, it's ok if people see I'm not perfect, because I'm not.

In the end, I want more of God in every single way. I am so excited each and every moment I hear other people talk about Him!!! Because I WANT TO KNOW!!! I want to grow!

I just love Him so much!(:

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