I am convinced of two things. One, I am not who I was. And Two, I'll never stop growing and tomorrow I'll be changed, tomorrow I won't be who I am today.
In me there is a great stirring of my inner man, all that is within me longs for my holy and precious Savior. I am not content to know about Him, but rather my entire being longs and must know Him in an intimate and personal way or else I'll waste away in despair. I need Him. I need to know Him. My purpose, my longing, my desire is Him, to know Him, to have every loose end tied up by Him and in Him.
This burning in my heart engulfs all that I am and reaches the deepest parts of me. God! I cannot help but cry out, Abba Father!-fill me with Your presence!-Your wisdom!-Your truth!-with You!
And I am convinced of yet another thing, I have wasted so many years knowing about Him; I could have been spending my life simply knowing Him, yet in the past I haven't.
I have always had this genuine heartfelt love for Him, to say otherwise would be absurd. And yet, there was always something there, something wrong. Something called self. Something called blindness. Something that Satan has been succeeding at, keeping me just preoccupied enough with knowing about God, doing enough for God, and living a good enough life to be on the outskirts but not too radically different.
Oh! My heart and soul can hardly stand to look at the former years! I cannot thank God enough for the past 2 years and how He has begun to cultivate me for His glory.
Too long did I live the regular "christian" life. Too long was I fine with the half empty life I was living. Too long was I ok and learning just enough to keep me from straying.
I am not fine with simply knowing about God, my spirit yearns for His Spirit, to know Him intimately and deeply. I am not ok with doing things for God, rather I want Him to move through me and use me for His glory, to be poured out as a living sacrifice for His works, to showcase who He is, what He can do with someone who has been broken and made new in Christ, to do His will! I am not content to live a good moral life, my desire is to be holy and blameless in a crooked and perverse generation, to be perfect as my heavenly Father is perfect, to live as Christ has commanded... to turn the world upside down with my life! I do not for one second want to blend in with the world, I am a stranger passing through this land, my home is not here on earth but rather Christ is preparing a place for me in eternal glory where I can worship the most beautiful and awe-inspiring God of all for eternity!
And this. Every fiber of my being is hungry for His word. For prayer. For all that is of Him. I want to know and discern truth. I want to study the word on my own, with other people, to learn and grow every chance that is presented to me. To memorize scripture so that I can dwell on it moments I cannot physically read my bible, or even to share in moments when the Spirit leads me to-I don't want to strain to remember that verse or passage I KNOW I've read... I want it to be immediatly on my lips, ready to impart God's truth to any listener, friend, or person. I want truth. I want real truth, His truth, not man's interpretation of truth.
Yes, christian books are good to be sure. But my heart first and foremost is hungry for the meat of the bible, then perhaps as a nice topping or gravy I can read man's words on God's greatness.
I just want Him!
And then aside from that and rather because of that... I wish so earnestly to be a lady who exudes God's goodness, Spirit, and holiness. I wish, in the humblest way, to be one of those persons that after someone has talked with me walks away thinking, "That Leah, her heart is so enraptured with God. She is like Christ, she is a follower of Him." I want to be genuine. To be a light that shines so brightly that no one will ever mistake who I am living for. I want to be that person that after people talk to me... they walk away longing for more of Christ. I want to be that person. I don't want to have my name as my name... I want Christ to be on peoples lips as they walk away from me. I don't want it to be, wow Leah is so___, no, I want it to be wow God is so incredibly magnificent!
More than anything I want people to know I am different because of my love for God. Not just because of my words, my actions, or what I spend my time doing (all which are very important!)... but because of an unexplainable mystery that illimunates from my inner being. The mystery of Christ's love for me, and my love for Him.
Try try try. I could try and explain my thoughts all night. But the words I have said are all I can say. In the end all I can say is, Hallelujah Jesus is mine, and I am His!
P.s. Jeremiah 33:3 "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." This has been a prayer of mine I've held fast to. It never ceases to amaze me just how true this is! And it won't ever stop. What a beautiful thought!