Glimpses From C.S. Lewis(:

Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.

You cannot go on 'explaining away' for ever: you will find that you have explained explanation itself away. You cannot go on 'seeing through' things for ever. The whole point of seeing through something is to see something through it.

One of the things that distinguishes man from the other animals is that he wants to know things, wants to find out what reality is like, simply for the sake of knowing. When that desire is completely quenched in anyone, I think he has become something less than human.

I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic -- on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg -- or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.

Reality, in fact, is always something you couldn't have guessed. That's one of the reasons I believe Christianity. It's a religion you couldn't have guessed.

Christ died for men precisely because men are not worth dying for; to make them worth it.

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.

If you are really a product of a materialistic universe, how is it that you don't feel at home there?

All joy...emphasizes our pilgrim status; always reminds, beckons, awakens desire. Our best havings are wantings

The human mind has no more power of inventing a new value than of planting a new sun in the sky or a new primary colour in the spectrum...

Now that I am a Christian I do not have moods in which the whole thing looks very improbable: but when I was an atheist I had moods in which Christianity looked terribly probable.

'Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. but he's good. He's the King, I tell you.'

'And then she understood the devilish cunning of the enemies' plan. By mixing a little truth with it they had made their lie far stronger.'

Catching Mere Glimpses

Job 11:7-8 "Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the heavens--what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave --what can you know?"

I decided to change the name of my blog... and change the url address, but hopefully that isn't too problematic? Why? I'm so glad you asked! Instead of starting a whole new blog, I decided to keep posting here and simply change the name. I used to blog on "Incessancy" then switched to "Two Roads Diverged" because I like my blogs to reflect what's going on inside my life. You can see here why I named it "Two Roads Diverged."

Incessancy is a reflection of the incessant chaos and question asking, searching, seeking, and probing I did. Then, two paths were laid before me. I took the one less travelled by, and that is why I named my blog after the wonderful poem Two Roads Diverged. Since then God has done INCREDIBLE things in my life, heart, and mind! I look around and am in utter and complete awe of this glorious and magnificent God I serve. It blows my mind! And it humbles me because the more I see, the more I realize the less I know. And the more that I understand I barely know anything... the more I want to continually seek this wonderful Saviour of mine! My eyes are opening to the fact that I what I see is but a mere glimpse of everything glorious about God.

So again Job 11:7-8 "Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the heavens--what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave --what can you know?" What can I know? Ahh. I love these verses! It just humbles me all over again, God is unfathomable, He is limitless, His is higher than any other, deeper than the deepest depth... how do I even grasp that? How do I know a God who is so far beyond my own comprehension? Only by His grace! God reveals Himself simply because He chooses to do so! His love surpasses anything we can ever know or understand. But we can have this love, though we cannot wrap our minds fully around it, yet it is ours. Crazy! And compared to eternity? 1 Peter 1:13 "Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed." Preparing our minds, being ready... setting our hope one HIM and His grace for the day Christ is revealed. There is MORE to be revealed!! This is absolutely thrilling! God reveals Himself to us now, but we are catching but mere glimpses in light of who He is and who will be revealed to us in Eternity!

I am caught up in this, I pray forever. But this season of life I am in... I feel this blog I write in would be more exquisite if I let the name reflect my heart(:

Eh?

Matthew 16:24-26 Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

Simply, I read this and it strikes me... it means giving up that which I hold most dear, because the dearest One who holds me... means more.

My mind ponders this, heart treasures it, and soul stands in awe of the beauty of it. The surest way of losing that which possesses the most value is to try and hold on to bits and pieces of fading things of the world. What remains for all eternity? God and His infinite love. How long will the pleasures of this world last? Only but a breathe in light of eternity.

My soul yearns, oh it absolutely from the deepest parts of me, the unknown parts in me... cries out in anguish to be in the presence of my dear Savior, now, today, I want to be in heaven more and more each day! But since I am not, God obviously has some purpose He wishes for me to accomplish before I enter into His enthralling and captivating presence. This is why I wish with everything in me to learn and grow each day, to catch mere glimpses of this holy and magnificent God... because I'm not there yet. But instead of wasting away, I want to grow day by day!

And I want to use this life to honor and glorify His name! Which makes me grow extremely dissatisfied seeing how the world is. It is so broken, hurt, and so depressingly lost... so far from the sweet exhilarating love of Jesus! And I live so comfortably. Ugh. There are children fainting from hunger all around the world, women screaming in despair over lost children or husbands, people getting sick because there is no clean water... and each one no matter what the situation LOST and APART from the lovingkindness of my dear God! Oh how can I even type these words from the comfort of my dorm room? Then, there are people next door to me living with every comfort the world has to offer... STILL lacking the love and true comfort of knowing Christ Jesus as Lord. And what do I do? What do I say? I am not so bold. Even if I am unwavering, I am not as vocal as I ought to be.

I have so much. So many have so little. I feel lost in a world of hurt, inbetween reality and knowing in my heart something has to change. I don't want to live in a big house, I don't want to have every latest technological toy, I don't want to go out to eat every week, I don't want to sit by and do nothing. I want simplicity and going above and beyond American Christianity to reach people who desperately need a real and perfect God. Not a "god" who gives health, wealth, and ease. No!! God is so much bigger than that, amid the chaos, confusion, hurt, and dark, He is a brilliant light that steadies a heart, heals hurt, and shines brighter piercing the dark and a heart.

I cannot stay here in college station. I do not want a typical life. I want the typical new testament life. There is a path I must walk on, seeking Christ first above everything. But then I think of Job, of Abraham. God blessed them immensely with earthly things. So having stuff isn't a bad thing... which isn't hard to grasp... it's just hard to fathom having that much. It's hard to see how that is good. What good is it to have more when others have less? Which maybe I'm just naive, God used Abraham and Job for His purpose... so money isn't bad. But I don't want money to accumulate, I want money to bless others! Ahh!

I think we all have different ways we have to deny ourself. One for me is denying the urge to find the easy and short quick way to fall in love and be married(which the desires to fall in love and get married aren't bad... too much in which it exceeds Christ is NOT ok, and also how I go about love can be wrong too!!). By denying all the selfish pleasures and ways I can indulge now, by looking, seeking attention, seeking to attract, being too open, too apt to physical stumbling, flirting, wishing, watching... instead I can seek the Lord evermore, encourage my brothers, guard my heart, be intentional with my words and actions, and not get tangled up in selfish "love" by grabbing what I want, instead I wait and delight myself in the Lord and He will give me the desires of my heart, when He knows I'm ready and He knows it's right.

Or even denying how sometimes I wish I could curl up in a ball and ignore the world. I don't like talking to people sometimes. I would rather be by myself, reading, or praying and spending time with God. People can be such jerks, such hypocrites. I'm a homebody sometimes. Which is true, even though it may not seem like it. But I know God has given me a love for the lost, a heart of service, words of encouragement, and a gentle and tender care for those who simply need a friend. I have no problem talking to people, it is not a natural ease which I was born with, but something cultivated over years. And I wish... I wish I could not care and be a quiet keep to herself girl. But I am compelled by my love for Christ to love people.

I just think of so many things when I think about denying myself. The words I say, I must be intentional. The clothes I wear, choosing instead to be modest and honoring God instead of gratifying my need of selfishly seeking attention. The places I go, the movies I watch, the music I listen to, the thoughts I cannot think, the thoughts I take captive. The ill-feelings toward others I must repent of. The surrendering of my own will for His. Not seeking fame and pleasure, seeking Him and proclaiming His fame and finding all pleasure in Him!

It's not about being good morally, paying my tithe in church, and generally being an amiable and liked person. It's about God, being poured out for His purpose, loving people because He loves me, sharing Him with the world... all the while being holy and blameless because Christ has washed me anew, giving away more than what I need because others need it more, being kind-hearted to the mean-spirited... being willing to be ridiculed and unliked because I stand for the truth of God's word, not what people want to hear.

I want a simple life. I don't want the thrills and frills of what the world has to offer. I want to run barefoot through open fields and enjoying the general splendor of God's creation! I want to sit in the sunshine reading a good book, I want to laugh with people I care about, I want to build friendships, not build bigger houses to live in. I want to live with what I need, the essentials.

I want a Christ-filled life. I want His love to be the thrilling and the brightest most breath-taking thing my heart delights in. I want to find Him in music, in books, in people, in life!

My heart is not satisfied to look and see the regular life Americans lead. I want something radically different. I just have no idea what that is, or what it looks like.

O For Grace to Trust Him More...

There are times when I wish to write and have my heart's content flow out and through my words. To share and exquisitely articulate just exactly how I feel and what I'm thinking. But this is near impossible, why?-because there is WAY too much going on in my little ol' soul to ever ever write about in one sitting (;

Today the laughter was unceasing, and refreshing. I've been shut away in the dark fold of my room, lying on my bed unmoving. But not horrible! The pain was near unbearable, I don't think I've been that sick in quite a while... my head hurt so badly that I couldn't even read my bible :( But alas! Instead of lying around and sleeping the WHOLE time, I maximized the usage of this wretched sickness. I couldn't read, the searing pain shoot through my head wouldn't allow it, instead I listened to sermons online(: Which I find incredibly... strange... because I have never ever met anyone in my life who listened to sermons for fun on their own time instead of watching movies or tv. What?! haha! Except Erin!!! I LOVED that time over the break when we were wrapping Christmas presents listening to sermons(: Bliss! BUT all this to say, I have been cooped up the last two days and today I was finally around friends ha. And the laughter ensued. Which is very much needed... because of tomorrow. Which would be an incredibly hard blog to write, so I'll leave that for another time.

But I laugh because I felt near tears. I just can barely stand crying. Yet I want to... the release and the torrent of emotion is so heart wrenchingly wonderful! It is good for the soul definitely. Sometimes I'll be pouring my heart out to the Lord and I wonder why there are no tears. Why? Maybe because I'm terrified of outward emotion, or possibly because my tear ducts no longer function properly? Ha Ha!

That and other things have been pressing, I feel like I have to be super human at times. I feel like I can do it all, I won't ever be sad, I won't ever cry, I won't ever be weak! I can handle any and everything, I don't need people and I can do it alone! Self sufficiency might be the words. When human weakness crawls in I get so irritated and I want to throw up my hands and yell, no! I feel invincible about so much. I can wait, I can do it, I I I I.

But I can't. And the Lord loooves to remind me, Leah, what are you thinking?! Everything you attempt withOUT Me is futile. Because HE is my strength. Only by His grace can I ever accomplish anything. And though I have the Holy Spirit's supernatual power dwelling inside me, I still am human. So it's OK to be sad. Yeah, it's ok to weep at loss, at the hurt, the hole, the missing, and the remembering. Because YES I know it's all ok and I know the Lord is sovereign, but emotions are beautiful! I'll see Dinah again in glory, but... I won't see her tomorrow, and that peirces me to the heart. I know she's in a better place, but I still miss her. BUT the beauty of it is I can still have deep resonating joy in the midst of sadness. Because joy isn't dependant on anything temporal or earthly, rather it is entirely dependant on Christ!!!! Which means I can ALWAYS be joyful no matter what! Woo, that is so comforting and peaceful to embrace(: And amid the other things going on, I constantly have to surrender my human weakness to the Lord and say, Thy will be done, because YOU know best.

Psalm 73: 25-28 Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. For, lo, they that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee. But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works.

Oh my goodness, I just love reading Psalms(: Because really, who do I have in heaven but Him?! And He is my first desire on earth, none enrapture my affections the way He does! My heart and flesh constantly fail, but HE is my strength, but not in my flesh, just of my heart(: He satisfies my every longing foreverrr. Life apart from the Lord is no life at all... it never ceases to boggle my mind when I think about those who don't know Him, what do they even live for? It shakes me up when reading the part about people who go whoring about from Him, letting anyone or anything have your attention or satisfy your desires, or even following after carnality... !! But, O, dear friend... how incredibly good it is for me to draw near the Father!! It makes me think of James 4:8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. He desires us to draw near, for He Himself draws near to us! And this whole trust thing, I cannot even describe to you the struggle of laying down all my trust unto Him. Because I am an all or nothing kind of person. I can't do half way, I can't do partial anything... it is ALL in or not at all. So I can't even utter the words "I trust You" if I don't... because I believe it to be a holy fear, a reverence to holiness, an awe to His glory... I don't want to be loose with my prayers, if I pray it I better mean it with all my heart!!!! Maybe I'm just worse off than others because of this... but I would rather struggle for days, weeks, months even, in prayer than just say the words on my lips and in my head than mean them in my heart. He deserves the utmost in me, and if I am not willing to offer Him everything, what am I even doing? And then the beautiful ending of the chapter, that I may declare ALL His works!! Hallelujah!! I just want to praise His name and talk about Him all the time! I simply cannot get my fill when speaking the precious name of Jesus! I literally cannot wait for heaven... to worship Him, praise Him, to be in the midst of perfection in every form... to experience His love, His life, His vibrancy... and to have holy fellowship with my greatest love for FOREVER!!!!!!!! Seriously, how can I NOT declare all His works?! Which I know I fall short and it's hard to share with non believers... but I want to share Him anyways(:

Christ-centered and Christ-exalting conversation is my favorite! And if one is willing to sit and hear me continue on about the Lord, new favorite fellow believer! baha! Jk (:

Ahh(: Life.

But about this "Grace to trust Him more" bizzznesss. Sigh. The mere fact that I am stepping away from Texas A&M is cuh-razy. How easy it would be to go here for four years, get a semi fun semi nice degree, find an aggie, fall in love with an aggie, get married, bleed maroon, have aggie babies and just be maroon til my eyes bleed! But I've never been one for cliche's nor have I ever in my entire life wanted a typical life. I want a Christ-centered one to do whatever He wills!! But really, marrying an aggie isn't against a life policy of mine, just... being here for four years is! Ha! To trust that He has some plan for me is terrifyingly comforting. He has something better planned for me than I could ever comprehend! It's just taking that first step that is always hard. I do trust Him, Oh if you but even knew the brokenness it has taken to get me to this point... how untrusting I used to be, even of my dear Savior! Ridiculous I know. But with so much change, He has brought me so much nearer to Him! Oh that I trust... I trust Him with my life, my love, my future, my self, my everything! I do, Oh that I do. But I wish so fervently for even more grace to trust Him more, because it is so beautiful to trust the one who insured my eternal destiny!!! Yes I trust, but I want to trust Him more! Just like I want to love Him more! Which seems impossible, but if it is at all possible to love more, I want to!

(: Amid life, He is there. Amid confusion, He is constant. Amid the tears, He's my comfort. Amid all, He is my all in all.

Again, words do not give Him justice, nor could words every capture the essence of how my being feels toward Him, and not just feel, but knows, lives, delights, and everything else toward Him!!

Semper Gumby

Semper Gumby- Always Flexible. Thank you Champs camp for that lovely phrase(:

Honestly, I feel like that is my life as of right now. It can go any which way, be molded and shaped for any purpose (any thing pertaining to glorifying the Lord that is!!).

And what is that? It is such a strange thought of not coming back to A&M in the fall. So strange, yet so exciting!

Oh to contemplate, pray, ponder, and seek the Lord's will in everything! Because yes, I have an idea, a hint, a direction, but this is by no means a strict guideline for my life.

And quite frankly, new things are being laid on my heart as each week passes. I wish I could tell all!-but some things are left to be treasured in the heart, in the soul, gently lifted up in prayer before declaring all to the world.

Fall, what will you bring? Spring? Two years from now? Who knows! Only God. And I will seek to give Him all that I am in all that I do.

I cannot even describe to you the state of my heart, nor do I wish to. Why? Because some things are better left unsaid, and a better to be shared with few. All on my heart is an overflow into my life of course!

Even the anguish, the confusion... even these cause a settling and tender and powerful peace to invade my heart. Because as new things arise, there is more to seek the Holy Spirit's guidance on! And what a beautiful thing, to pray. I love to sing, I love to pray, I love to read God's word each and every day!

Just to know my God is enough, but I thank Him for the privilege of even declaring His name, let alone simply let my lips speak His very name! How wonderful! To sing praises to Him, to be allowed to enter into His presence, to be His daughter, to love Him... just to be near Him is an overwhelming blessing I hardly know what to do with!

And I wish, O I wish with all my heart more conversation was centered upon this joy of mine... I love the silliness, I love the laughter, I love the fellowship, I love all that I have in my friends... but one thing that lacks is more of the Lord. I want to talk of Him and what He is doing in their lives, to share this beautiful breathtaking thought! But is it me? Why do we not talk of our dear Saviour more?

Oh for silliness AND soul stirring conversations about the Lord... this is what my heart desires. Give this to me, and I'll sing a song of joyous overflow to share such a blessing! Which some of my dear sisters and I do share, oh how I love them! This is a rather tricky thing with my brothers, but not impossible.

Then my dear best friend Hannah, oh how I love that woman!!!!! She encourages me so much and I love love love our conversations!!(:

And, I absolutely cannot wait for the day to come to spill my heart on the most intimate level with my future husband. Nothing on earth could be better than that! Each moment that passes without him, is a moment I'm storing up all the passion in my heart to share one day... and yet each moment that passes is a moment missed with him.

5 days, 5 months, or 5 years, or even 10 years! I'll wait until that beautiful perfect timing God has(: With a smile on my lips, and song of praise for my dear Redeemer. He is my first love, and the most tender love I will ever have.

Because this life, I have but one... and I cannot live waiting idly. I must wait with purpose,- to live each year, month, week, day, and moment for His kingdom's cause! Because from here on out, that's how I'll live regardless of what this life has in store for me.

Even in conversation. I've found myself receding deep into myself as of late. My heart is absolutely wrenched at the... dishonoring conversations that take place! Silliness I don't mind, but vulgarity, and impurities... oh my heart can hardly stand it! I want to be known as one who has a heart for the Lord, not one who's lips talk of idle and useless things. Not that every word I say is "Christianese" but that every word would be honoring, and pure. Never detrimental. Because yes, I live in this world, so I'll talk of it! But only for the sake of relationships, only for the sake of getting to know people, forming bonds, and to eventually... talk of the Lord(: It is just so hard sometimes... to sit and smile while inside my heart is screaming to speak of my love for my Saviour! Gossip, crude jokes, pointless chatter, meaningless words... O to speak of my passionate love for all things holy... all things pertaining to the Lord.

Sigh(:

I just love God more than words would ever describe! Words cannot suffice. And wherever life leads me to... especially these next couple of years, I want to be flexible in ways that God's purpose would always remain as the trajectory of my life. Because what else is there but Him?-and His will? Nothing that concerns me.

Psalm 131 "O Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forevermore." ESV

And I rest. With so much going on in my heart, in my life, and all around... it is all I can do but rest and wait upon the Lord for guidance... even clarity. Humbly I will seek Him... because anything else would be vanity.

No one reads this...

No one really reads this, right? Except for maybe, Hannah (cstat bff), Sarah (down in Louisiana)... and yep that's it.

Perfect(: Because now I would like to vent. Oh and talk about how amazing and wonderful God is!! He is so unfathomably good, it blows my mind!

Because I really am in awe, utter and complete awe of the One who saved my soul, of the One who made me whole. What can I do but praise His name?-to Bring Him glory, honor and fame! I'll sing with all that I am, to worship all that He is(: Loving with only the capabilty He has given, And pointing to Him with all my living! So in love... with my Redeemer, so in love, so dearly in love!

My soul aches, simply aches. I long with deeper longing each day to know Him and catch glimpses of His glory in His creation, His word, in worship, and through prayer. I ache because there is so much I do not know! I ache because there is so much lacking in me. I ache because no matter how much I grow, or how much I learn, it will never be enough!-I'll always want more. My soul thirsts for my God. My heart yearns to know His heart. My spirit cries out and worships His Spirit, to be one, to have oneness. For nothing is like the love of God. Nothing. I ache because until that beautiful day when I am before the Lord, humbled, in His presence, only then will I really have a clue about Him. What a wonderful day indeed! I ache, in the most beautiful and profoundly sweet way for my Lord.

This is from a book I am reading. It leads into the next portion of what is weighing on my heart.

"For there can be no unity, no delight of love, no harmony, no good in being, where there is but one. Two at least are needed for oneness." -Your Life in Christ, George MacDonald.

He is speaking of our oneness with God, and God the Father's oneness with Christ.

It struck me so deeply this thought of oneness. I then realized, more so, of love. How much I do not know, how much I do not realize, understand, or comprehend about this beautiful divine love I share with my Lord.

I then thought of love, in humans, the kind of love that leads to marriage. As much as I long to be married, I've always been ok with the thought of never getting married, if that's what the Lord wills.

But each day, as I'm waiting, I find this work in me... of longing for that love, not for any selfish reason (which being in love and getting married will be quite beautiful!)-but rather because it is such a tender and powerful picture of our love with God. It is only a reflection of our oneness with Him! I want to fall in love and have that one man, to be one with him... to know and grow and understand the deep intimacy I have with Christ. I long for this love, to know love more, to learn about love, to love better and more fully!

I cannot, in any way shape or form, settle. Just like I must love and draw near the Father, the same compelling is in me that I must wait for a godly man. Not a good Christian fellow, not a he's everything but____, no... I must wait for the one God is planning for me. So it terrifies me so to think about dating. I cannot, and it breaks my heart to even think of dating anyone who is not my beloved. I do not want to waste time. I have but one life to lead. I have but one life to pour all that I am out for the glory and purpose of Christ! This man, God willing there is one for me (which each day I fall more in love with Christ, the more I believe there must be a man for me), and I will bring more glory to our Father together than we ever could apart. So why would I ever waste time with another man who isn't my beloved... because obviously we can work fine separately to bring glory to the kingdom. It just confuses me so.

I am terrified of wasted time with another guy. So why am I not more terrified of wasted time now? Of the time I waste napping instead of reaching out to those around me? Why am I not a better steward of the time and opportunities God has placed before me now? There is so much wastedness in my life and it drives me to my knees. I cannot continue in this selfishness! Efficiency is not for the sake of getting more out of my days, but for bringing more glory to my precious Savior!

I am strangely uncomfortable with attractions. They are not evil. But I am tired of them. I feel like this is exactly the reason God has called me to intentional singleness! There are some men, randomly, ever since I came to cstat, that utterly blow my mind and I admire and respect them so much! I see their heart's for the Lord, their actions, their words, their love for people and above all God. I don't want to date any of them, but I do want to watch and observe. I feel like I'm in this other world, this school of godly men... and God is showing me glimpses of men He delights in. I see these men and I am worn down to tears, it is the most beautiful thing to behold, men of God. But then the hard thing is, I'm not "attracted" to all of them, just some. Some are attractive, to be sure, but I'm not attracted. And this is what gets me. Why? Why some and not the others. And let me tell you, it is very very few and far between that I am actually attractED. Less than I can count on one hand.

It is a blessing! So beautiful to see men who live for the Lord. And I know God is calling me to guard my heart ever more because I see all these qualities, traits, and characteristics of godly men. It is not my time yet, I don't think haha. It's not that I don't feel "ready" or that I can "handle" it... I just don't want to simpyl be ready to handle it... I want to be so lost in love with my God that all my love with be an overflow and joyous thing.. that trials won't be "handled" but rather will be something heartwrenchingly beautiful that we can work together in stride and in focus of Christ and bring more glory to the One above! So yeah, I could settle and find a good one now, but I want what the Lord wants for me... even if it means waiting longer and missing out on all the flirtations and dating everyone else seems to be doing.

In the end, every part of my life, I want more and more and more and infinitely MORE of my God. Because what else is there? What purpose would remain? To worship and glorify Him. What else could I possibly long for.. except that through everything here on this earth I would draw near Him!-so I'll wait for that man who will push me to be more like Christ... who will draw me into his love and point me towards God's love. But no just that, but in everything!! I just am so excited for life, and this life, and all the crazy stuff God is doing in my heart! Sometimes I just need to rest and soak it all in.. to be still and know He is God. To KNOW He is. (:

Holiness, Holey-ness

"The majority of us may be one step ahead of the world when it comes to purity, spiritual disciplines, knowledge of the scripture, and understanding the problems. But what if being one step ahead of the world is ten thousand steps behind where God desires to take us?"
-Eric and Leslie Ludy

Each time I reread those words something deep inside me groans and longs for more of the Lord! I don't want to stay where I am, I don't want to merely be "a step ahead," I want to be traversing on a path that brings me many steps closer and near my God!

I want holiness, I long for purity, I desire to be like Christ in everything. I want all that I am to be all that He has for me, because of all that He has done.

But I find a deep struggle in me. I can't quite figure it out, but it troubles me so. There is the battle of striving for holiness and throwing aside the ways of the selfish sinful man... and then seeing myself next to others.

What do I mean? When Holy Spirit lays a conviction on my life, I must follow it. When God reveals to me a way to live, I must live it. When Christ redeems me from selfish indulgences, I must run from it. But in the midst of all this changing, cultivating, and molding... I fall into the wickedness of comparing. But it doesn't start out as comparing... it starts out as I am utterly shocked and repulsed by any unholiness or even simply worldliness that is borderline impure. I cannot stand it. I hate it. I hate the things that are vulgar and vile in light of Christ's glory. I simply despise it and want to weep at the mere shame of it... to be in close vicinity of it wears down on my soul.

I want to run from it! But what happens when it is prevalent in my brothers and sisters in Christ?! Am I to rebuke and correct?-which might then makes me look holier than thou, or do I stop associating with them, or do I simply ignore it?

If I rebuke or correct, there is the problem of legalism, looking at the plank in my own eye, or being judgmental, and even someone assuming I'm trying to look better.

If I stop hanging around them, this makes questions arise and may make things uncomfortable, esp if I run into them everyyywhere.

If I ignore it I'm failing to live in holiness by being in the midst of unholiness and not caring, I am then unholy for not keeping the sacred things sacred.

I must be led of the Holy Spirit. Obviously the latter should never apply. But to know when to speak out, speak up, and be bold, or be gentle, whatever the situation calls for.

So I see it, I sense it, I am oppressed by it. Here I am running the race leaving behind the world, when I see others caught up in the world. A deep anguish settles in on me, I am longing for holiness, and in my brothers and sisters I see holey-ness. They have the same inheritance as me, the same grace, same blood shed, the same call to holiness, yet they carve a hole deep in them... the world is creating a vacuum sucking the very life out of them, covering promises of the Lord... they could have holiness and have sweeter intimacy with our dear Savior, yet they choose holey-ness, emptiness, and worldliness, instead of holiness and godliness.

Oh I want to weep! Why? How can you be a child of God, redeemed, yet living in the fallen world partaking in its pleasures?!

So I struggle. I am no better than they are. I am a broken and needy person... one who is only of any worth or value because Christ has saved me! But I long to live in holiness, I strive for it, I take out and forsake the passing pleasures of the world to dive into the deep, rich, and glorious pleasure of knowing God and making Him known!!

Oh that I would stay as far away from the pharasaic attitude and lie thinking I am better because of what I do!-it is not because of what I do that makes God love me, no!!!!-rather it is because of God's love that makes me do what I do!

And so I pray, Oh God! Dearest One of my being, keep me humble, or MAKE me humble! For what else can I pray? I hate all things impure and ungodly. I must hate what God hates. For His very Spirit is dwelling in me, and that which revolts Him, must revolt me... because He has given me not only His Spirit, but a completely radically new nature, His goodness, His holiness!! And when I start to think I'm pretty good for walking in holiness, I fall into unholiness! It is but by a humble and meek heart I can even keep on this path.

And when I am not humble, when I start to think too highly of myself, or anything... I pray for the Lord to humble me, even if it is by a means of humiliation... because I would rather that than live in pride... to be utterly humiliated terrifies me! I don't want to be torn down, but I pray for it because I long for God more than I do my own self worth. And I know He will fulfill my prayer when it needs to be... so I carefully and prayerfully examine my life and heart, asking the Lord to keep me in His ways! For that is the best way.

So what starts out as absolute brokenness seeing the unholiness people walk in, can easily turn to comparing. I can start to think, "Hey I'm doing pretty good!" Or even "At least I'm not as bad as her!" No!! I do not want this mentality. I do not want to compare holiness, no no no. I simply see my own heart as it is, long for holiness, be repulsed by unholiness... and live in awe and fear of my God.

And sometimes it's hard. I see how the Lord is beckoning me, He's calling me to travel the dusty old path, the path that is not much walked upon. Yet how can I refuse? When God draws me in I am hopelessly lost in His love and cannot fathom turning away from Him for the sake of mere turning. Psalm 42:7 "Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me" Deep is calling to deep, I just want Him to sweep over my life! He is calling me to deeper intimacy with Him, something richer, something simpler, something more beautiful and life giving than I could ever imagine!!! I long for this! And I am a thousand steps behind where He wants me, so I'll take the first steps of faith continually to draw near my Father's love. I want more, more, more! Oh how I long to adore him! To honor Him!

So everything in me is compelled to live holy because He is holy. Every fiber of my being yearns for holiness because I long for more of Christ, to be more like Him, to be caught up in His grace, to rest in His loving embrace.